1/25/2009

Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship


If you've ever been in a relationship for very long, especially if you were married it is almost a guarantee that you've had a money fight. One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is differences in values and goals and habits when it comes to money, and especially communication about money issues.

Money can't buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart.

The crux of this article is to learn how to talk about money, and learn to align your financial goals. If you can do those two things, you've done more than most couples, and you've done a lot to keep your relationship on solid ground.

1. Sit down and talk about financial goals and values. Many couples often neglect this step, even if it seems obvious and commonsense. But because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, many couples leave these important things unsaid, and often don't even think about it individually.
They have goals and values when it comes to money, but they're not examined. That's a mistake, as one person might want to be frugal in order to save for future goals, while the other might like to spend and enjoy things now, while the getting is good. The differences often come from different upbringings, and they can be emotionally charged (see next step for more on this). It doesn't have to be difficult, though, and it might take a few meetings to get to actual written goals, with a time frame for each, but that's where you want to be eventually.


* Each person should have a budget (formal or crude, either one) of what their income and expenses are before going into the discussion. Spend some time going over your past 3 months of expenses and income to prepare a good overview of what and where are your expenses. Make sure to include those $5 lattes every morning, and the high-grade gasoline instead of the cheap stuff, and be prepared to calmly explain the justification for things that your partner may not readily see the value in! (And be prepared to invest in a latte machine - or whatever it takes to help make the compromises successful.)


* Tell your partner you'd like to sit down and have a talk about the future — what your goals are and how you can work together, as a team, to achieve them. Start by spitting out the things each of you want — a house, kids, college education for the kids, a healthy emergency fund, nice cars, travel each year, nice clothes, gadgets and computers, etc.


* Then prioritize, and see if you can come up with things in common. If you want different things, it is important that you talk about why, and consider the other person's desires. If that's what makes the other person happy, you should want to make them happy - that's the basis of a good relationship. But relationships aren't one-sided, either, so you should be able to be happy too. The point is that both sides should be considered, and you should look for a win-win solution or compromise so that you can both be happy.


* Discuss how you will handle assets and debts that were accumulated before the relationship began. If you are married in the U.S., your spouse's creditors can hold you legally responsible and pursue your assets if you don't keep your finances completely separated, or if you ever get divorced. Plus, your spouse's credit score will affect your ability to get joint credit, which is often necessary for large purchases (such as a home). So if you're married, the best route is to work together to pay off debt as quickly as possible, avoiding late payments. If you're planning on getting married soon, a pre-nuptial agreement can help protect one person's assets from the other person's creditors.If you're not married, you may choose to treat individual debt as a shared expense, or you may not - the choice is yours as a couple.


2. Remove emotions from financial talk. From your first meetings about financial goals to your subsequent weekly talks (addressed in a later step), it's important that the two of you stay calm, don't get hurt or angry over any of the issues, and try to look at these issues objectively. Often financial issues are tied up in all kinds of emotional issues, stemming from childhood, from issues of security to feeling like your way is better, to feeling hurt if your way of spending is criticized in any way, and much more. These emotional issues are all tangled together with financial issues, and it's important that you untangle them and just deal with financial goals and habits:


* Don't use emotional, accusatory, or inflammatory language. Use nonviolent communication.

* Don't blame the other person or even be negatively critical.

* Simply talk about your financial goals, developing a plan for getting to those goals, developing a system for dealing with finances, and so forth.

* Also, try not to feel like you're under attack if the other person talks about your goals or habits — let this be an open discussion, and if you feel under attack, stop and take a breath and remember that this isn't a discussion about you personally but about how the two of you are going to meet your goals. Again, think of this as a team effort, not as a you-vs-me effort.


3. Come up with a plan to meet your goals. Once you're able to come up with common financial goals (a huge step - celebrate! Within your budget.), you will need a plan to get you there. This will take into account your joint income, your debt, your savings, how much you can put towards debt and/or saving each month, whether you want to cut back on certain things in order to meet your savings goals, how long you want to give yourself to meet financial goals, and so forth:


* Start by having a definite time frame for each goal, and then figure out how much you need to save (or pay towards debt) each month to get to your goals. Try to get into the habit of paying yourselves first.


* Create a spending plan (if you haven't already) for each month, and see if you can adjust it to meet that monthly goal. You might need to cut back on some things, or earn extra income, or both. Or you might discover that your goals aren't realistic and you need to cut back on them, reprioritize, or push them back a bit in order to meet them. This plan to meet your goals is how you will align your daily and monthly spending with your long-term goals. It's also a great way to resolve minor short-term disputes - for example, "you should definitely buy fewer shoes, and I should buy fewer video games, so we can buy that house in three years and travel to Europe in two years". Spending plans will evolve as time goes by -- this is inevitable; be prepared to adjust and adapt to your changing situations (promotion at work, unexpected expenses like constant car repairs indicating an upcoming major expense, etc.) as needed.


4. Develop a system for finances that works for both of you. It may take some trial, error and tweaking before you get it right. Keep in mind that no one arrangement is in any way "better" than the other. The best arrangement is the one that creates the most harmony in your relationship.


* Use the communal approach if you have very similar spending styles and saving goals. All of the income received by the couple goes into a single account, and all expenses come out of that single account. If you're not on the same page about spending, like if one person tends to make money decisions that the other person tends to disagree with, this approach can lead to frequent arguments. Communication, trust, and discipline are essential for this arrangement to work smoothly.


*
Use the individual approach if you have different spending styles. Keep separate accounts to which your individual incomes are deposited. Put money into a joint account only for shared expenses. Decide what those shared expenses are going to be (usually rent or mortgage, utilities, etc.) and what proportion each partner will pay. You can each put in half of the expenses, or you may decide to contribute a percentage that's relative to your individual income (e.g. one person makes twice as much per year as the other, so one person puts twice as much towards the shared expenses as the other). The remainder of the money in each person's account is theirs to keep and spend or save however they wish.

* Use the allowance approach if it fits. This is a hybrid of the previous two arrangements. Put everything into a joint account, but then give each person an allowance to spend as they wish. The allowance can be in cash, or it can be transferred to individual accounts. Decide as a couple how much of an allowance each person should get. This works best for people who tend to spend money on different things, but who still want to pool their income.


5. Decide who will be handling the "administrative" aspects of your finances. In order to put your financial plan into action, you'll need to figure out how you're going to pay your bills, pay debt, deposit into savings, have money for various spending needs (like gas and groceries and eating out), and so forth. Someone will have to take responsibility for each part of the system (it's better if you're both involved, but you should find what works best for you as a couple). Usually there's one person who's more inclined to do the bookkeeping, and sometimes he or she doesn't mind carrying this responsibility. Otherwise, you'll need to define and assign responsibility. One person might go to the bank while the other updates your financial program (like Quicken or Money) or your checking register to make sure you're in balance, for example.


* If one person will be handling the finances more than the other, what is his or her responsibility in consulting with the other before, say, moving money into the savings account or IRA?


* If the person who normally handles these tasks can't do it (e.g. medical issue, away on a trip, etc.) does the other person know enough about the process to step in?



6. Have weekly financial meetings. This is very important, and it's a step that many couples overlook. Just because you have common financial goals and a plan and a system doesn't mean that everything is fine. If one person takes responsibility for the finances, for example, and the other is out of the loop, there will likely be problems down the road. You don't want to be in the situation where one partner took care of the finances and the other was blissfully ignorant...until it was revealed that they were way behind on payments and would soon have to file for bankruptcy. That isn't a good time in a relationship!
To prevent problems like this, have a weekly meeting where you sit down and talk about finances. You can review your accounts, your spending plan, what is coming up in the next few weeks that you'll need to budget for, any problem areas, what to do with your annual bonus, where you are with your goals, and so forth. Make sure you're both caught up on everything, and that you're working well as a team.


7. Adapt as needed. You may need to adjust the allowances or proportions if a big expense arises, like one person loses a job, or suffers from a major illness or injury, or even takes up a new (and expensive) interest or hobby. For instance, let's say a couple uses the communal approach, and then one partner decides to take up golfing again.

The couple may decide that the best way to accommodate this is to designate a "golfing allowance" so that one partner knows exactly how much the other partner is going to be spending on this hobby, and there are no surprises ("You spent how much on that golf club?!?"). (In the golfing example, additional expenses could be drawn from the person's personal allowance.) Many couples modify their arrangement significantly as their circumstances change. A couple may, for example, start off with the individual approach, then transition into the communal approach when they start a family or make a large investment together.



8. Above all, stay positive and be honest. Remember: you're a team. You have the same goals and you want each other to be happy. Team members can help each other out and encourage each other, or they can rip the team apart by being negative, by blaming, by working against common goals. If you always stay positive, you'll succeed as a team. Be encouraging, stay focused on solutions not blame, and make sure love is the foundation of everything you do.


Tips


* No matter how you choose to handle your finances as a couple, you should talk about and dedicate money to an emergency fund of three to six months' worth of living expenses.


* Just because you have individual accounts doesn't mean you don't trust one another. Sometimes it's not convenient to discuss every single purchase in real time, and this can occasionally lead to misunderstandings and even overdraft fees at the bank. It's possible to make individual accounts into joint accounts so that you can see each other's financial activities, but agree not to use money from the other person's designated account without discussing it first, or unless it's an emergency.

---www.wikihow.com with some changes in some part

1/22/2009

The right man for me?


Perhaps you have been dating a man who seems to be very caring, loving & supportive. You wonder & want to seek relationship advice, "Is he the right man for me?"

How do you know if Mr. Right is going to be that man who will be willing to commit to a meaningful relationship & is a person who you can feel comfortable with for the rest of your life?

Here are a few guidelines that might help you make that decision.


When relationships begin, each person is putting on their best face. Of course we don't want the other person to know that down deep inside of us, we are really insecure & have characteristics about ourself that we keep hidden. It is not until the relationship becomes committed or the legal binding of marriage occurs that it is safe to begin to allow that aspect to surface, with less fear that your partner is going to leave you. This is true for everyone on some level, whether one is conscious or unconscious about those insecurities.

It is common for that shadow side to surface after a commitment is made in the relationship, leaving feelings of disappointment. The biggest flaws will be the deepest hidden. There are qualities of a man to look for that will let you know that your man is capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. And this indeed forms the relevant part of relationship advice.

How does your man handle conflict or resolve differences?

Does he become quiet and refuse to discuss the problem?
Or is he willing to communicate about the differences & help to resolve the situation in a loving way?

Communication is essential to a successful relationship. If your man shows signs of withdrawing, pouting, or becomes angry when a conflict arises, it is a major sign of emotional immaturity.

Both partners need to be able to address a problem by sharing their views & emotions without blaming the other. You cannot resolve a problem if he refuses to talk about it or isn't emotionally connected well enough to know what he is feeling. If there is no possibility of conflict, then perhaps the intimacy in the relationship may not be easily established. That doesn't mean that conflict is necessary, but it does mean that he should be willing to take the initiative to openly discuss difficult/controversial subjects & move out of any conflicting situation very easily. The relationship will then deepen.


Does your man value your happiness?

A successful relationship is maintained by both the partners by respecting & honoring their love by committing to each other's best interests. If you are with a man who doesn't cherish your love, but is only concerned with his own happiness, be very wary. He should be willing to go beyond his own self interests & see the worth of honoring those values that you aspire to & hold dear. If you value financial responsibility then his life should show his commitment to a job & being sensible with debt. And if family values are important to you then he must spend maximum time with the family. The relationship advice will be that your happiness must be his priority.

Is your man considerate?

A man should be dependable. Does he show up when he says he will? Does he say he is going to call & you don't hear from him? You should be able to know that he stands by his word & you can trust him to be there when he says he is.

To be in a successful relationship you should be able to lean on your man, knowing that he will be willing to be there for you. Thus you will never feel the need of any relationship advice.


--advice from Dr Rakesh Chopra, http://www.DrRakeshChopra.com .

1/14/2009

Why I Love You


Why I Love You
Figure this: You are giving a bouquet of gorgeous roses to your beloved. You expect a generous hug, a peck on the cheek, or at least a warm "thank you".
Instead you are asked, "Why do you love me?" To answer these spur of the moment questions, we bring you reasons to love someone. So prepare yourself with these "reasons for loving you" and answer the question that begins with reasons why I love you! Given here are top 20 of the most popular reasons that we came up, to answer this often asked question.


* You complete me.
* You give the word Perfect a new meaning
* I can be myself when I am with you
* You bring out the best in me.
* Just a sight of you lifts my up spirits.
* You have taught me what it is to love and be loved.
* I can be clumsy and foolish when I am with you, yet know that your love for me will never diminish.
* Your smile is enough to make a dull day seem bright as sun.
* Being in your arms makes me feel like I can never be lost again.
* Ever since you have come into my life, I yearn to come back home and see your lovely smile.
* Your innocence makes me forget all shady things of this world.
* I love the way you get angry whenever I am late; yet wait for me for as long as it takes.
* You have given meaning to my existence.
* I love the way your face glows whenever I gift you something.
* You are the only one who can make me smile even in my deepest sorrows.
* I respect the faith you have in me and love you for it.
* I love the calm look on your face when you are sleeping.
* I love waking up in the morning and finding you by my side.
* I get lost in the depth of your mysterious eyes.
* I can fight against the world because I know you will be by my side always.
taken from here.

1/11/2009

Show you like him

Sneaky Ways to Show Him You're Interested
None of them are lame...SWEAR

You have a crush on a guy in Spanish class (!Tu eres muy caliente!). You're dying to make a move, but you don't know how he'll react. He could laugh in your face. Or, start avoiding you like you're yesterday's cafeteria lunch. If only you could let this cutie know you like him without looking like a total fool.

the web of mystery
IMs can start out so innocently, but quickly evolve into fierce flirtations.
what to do: When you see your cutie log on, grab his attention by tossing out a question about homework. Be sure to make it an open-ended one like, "How do you think you did on that science test?" If he seems like he's up for chatting, respond with a flirty line like, "I wanna go to the party on Friday, but my parents have plans, so I'm not sure how I'd get there." But if he replies, "I dunno," and nothing else, then he may not be interested. Or, maybe he has a case of writer's block, so try tossing out one more question just to be sure. No response? Next! There are plenty more cute boys out there.
(But first of all, make sure that you serious , i mean, intend to him. I'm not talking about short-term relationship in my blog. I just put something to force you a serious relationship to marriage. ^^Hope this work well for you^^ )

why this works:
Your crush can't see you, so you never have to worry if your blush-prone face turns the color of a candied apple. You also don't have to stress about coming up with something witty on the spot-IM etiquette allows you at least a few minutes to think of a clever comeback. If he doesn't play along after a couple of tries, pound out a quick buh-bye and get outta there.


the look of love

Hey, they don't call them "the windows to the soul" for nothing. Your eyes are the best way to send out a silent-but strong-message. When you let a glance linger a few seconds longer, the message is, "I see you. I like you. Let me rock your world."
Warning: Not all eye contact is -created equal. The signal you're sending him has to be just right.

what to do: First, your glance should start at his brow, move down to his cheekbones and, finally, let your look land around his chin. Every few seconds, meet his eyes again (you might even toss in a smile), then continue scanning his face. This needs to be quick and smooth, and only last about seven or eight seconds. Don't stare because that can seem a little, uh, psycho. He'll notice that you've checked him out, but he won't feel stared down.
why this works: Because you won't have to utter a single word, this approach is ideal for even the shyest girl. If your dude sends back vibes that he's not at all interested (like looking away or seeming bored), it's no big deal. Hey, you never actually said that you liked him, right?
----taken from here with some modification on some parts.

1/08/2009

Stop Thinking About Your Boyfriend's Past Relationships

How to Stop Thinking About Your Boyfriend's Past Relationships

Can't stop thinking about your Boyfriend's past relationships?
1. Ask yourself why you are thinking about your Boyfriend's exes.
Is your boyfriend constantly bringing them up in conversation and making comments that leave you feeling inadequate?
Or perhaps it's you creating this problem for yourself, by comparing yourself to the ex?
Identify whether your need to think about them is due to his behaviour or your own.

2. If your Boyfriend is bringing them up, it's time to talk. Tell him how hurtful it is when he mentions his ex and give him a chance to change. If you see no improvement, you should re-consider your relationship. He may not be over his ex.
3. If you're thinking about them yourself, look at why.
Is your self-esteem not as great as it should be? This may well cause you to be look at his past relationships and cause you further worry. Perhaps you are a jealous person? Whatever the reason, only you can work it out.

4. Live in the moment! Those past relationships didn't work for a reason.

Tips
* Be totally honest with yourself when working out why you are thinking about relationships.
* Be kind to yourself - the ex may appear to have something you don't, but your Boyfriend clearly sees you have something to offer (otherwise, he wouldn't be around).
* By thinking about your Boyfriend's ex partners, you are only causing yourself and the relationship a problem. If your boyfriend is truly over his past relationships, bringing them back up to him is likely to turn him off!
--from wikihow.com