Well, guess what? Men can see that, too. And that internal void scares men away like nothing else. Men pursue their dreams. Because of that, many men go through life fulfilled, not needing women, simply enjoying sex, until one day around age 25 or 30 they feel ready to settle down and find a wife.
On the other hand, very often women just pursue men instead of their dreams. That leaves a big gap. That puts all the responsibility for satisfaction in your life on a man. And that leads to the desperate, dramatic, and clingy behaviors that men run away from and that women hate when they see it in themselves. One of the biggest issues in sustaining a healthy relationship is developing a balanced use of your own time and especially your energy.
The habits necessary for a good relationship are essential to practice now, before you have a partner. You must, each week of your life, throughout your life:
a) take some time for work, whether it be furthering your career, bringing home the bacon, advancing your education;
b) have positive experiences with him, whether it be a weekly date night (without the kids) or, during exceptionally busy periods, checking in before he goes to sleep, giving him a kiss when he gets home, and asking him how his day went;
c) Time to regain your energy. Every single week. In order to truly be a good spouse and good mother, you owe it to your children to take the time to revitalize. Whether it means you need a babysitter once a week or whether your husband or friends take care of the kids, you need time, alone, each week relaxing. Cheap or expensive, whether it be by getting a massage (maybe from your sweetheart!), gardening, painting, going to Starbucks with a friend, whatever fills you with energy; Next,
d) Pursuing your passions. Whether it's garden club, hiking club, scrap booking - whatever it is, you must make an unwaivering commitment to it. Sure, a couple times a year, you'll miss a meeting; but you need to commit to it. Committing to it will, again, give you passion for your life and help the men in your life (especially your children) to respect you. There is no need to get emotional about this commitment.
Just calmly explain that you get energy from this commit to allow yourself to be a better wife and mother. Finally,
e) Time with friends. This is something both you and your love need. Some of this time can be spent as two couples together; but the most important time you can spend is with your "girlfriends," connecting as women (in the same way as he needs to connect to men). Do not expect your husband to bear the brunt of your emotions.
Emotions are something that women tend to understand best. While it is important to be able to connect emotionally with your partner, it is far more important to have a safe, open group of friends that you can connect to as well, if not every week, every other week. The excuse of time is simply not applicable here.
People who properly revitalize themselves through "alone" time, relaxation, and time with friends have enough energy to accomplish all of this, each week, while still maintaining a healthy family life and job.
For help with this, check out the book, "The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal". If you truly feel you cannot accomplish this in any given week, schedule it in so you accomplish it within every 2-week period.There is, however, one last step. The step you perhaps avoid. The step you want to do, but somehow always find it hard to.
Exercise. Exercise, that source of agony - but also a source of energy. Something you'll find, once you commit to it for a month, will be something you start looking forward to. But don't look at exercise as a step to losing weight. Instead of a goal of, "I want to lose 5 lbs this month," set a goal of "I want to walk for 20 minutes, 2 times a week, every week this month. If I miss a day or two, that's ok, I'll just start right up again." You'll never need to do more than 20 minutes of cardio (if you want more challenge, try interval training) - and once you've been staying strong with your 20 minutes each week, perhaps get a personal trainer or very knowledgeable friend who can help you put together a 20-minute strength training routine. Add 10 minutes of stretching, and you've got all the exercise you need, 2-3 times a week. Don't allow your friend or trainer to over-burden you, however.
Don't even think about weight loss.
Focus only on building a habit and making it consistent.
Success will be looking back on your calendar and saying, "I didn't miss one of my eight workouts this month!"
Yes, exercise will make you look better. But it will also make you healthier, more energetic, more vibrant, more mentally cued in, and happier!
Plus you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you are doing a good thing for yourself. This step is extremely important for building a natural sense of self-discipline and confidence. If either of these is an issue for you, try getting involved in a challenge course.So now you know what you need to accomplish each week. Great! It will take some time to get to the point where you fully incorporate it, however. And once you do find a man, you will have to have the strength to say, "I'm sorry; I can't do it tonight. I already scheduled something else. Perhaps next week?"
This first section will take some time to develop. Even then, it is a lifelong process. You must develop the strength to do it, getting stronger and stronger over time.
When a man comes across a woman with a fulfilled, satisfied life, who stands by what she does and shows she puts herself first so that she has enough energy to love and respect those around her, shows that she values herself and doesn't need a man to fulfill her
(only having a man in her life because she loves HIM specifically, not because she NEEDS any man),
a man will be very, very hesitant to do anything that would let her leave. So commit to pursuing your passions and dreams. You are worth it.
And if you want a truly wonderful man, you owe it to him to discover how to energize and revitalize yourself, so instead of draining him, you are a constant source of energy in the relationship. For yourself, and for your relationship, even if you are extremely poor and must find very cheap sources of passion and excitement, make a commitment today to take the next 60 days and focus, each day, on fulfilling each of the steps above, from pursuing your passions to taking time for yourself
So - it's been a month or two. You've worked each day on building a more fulfilling life. You find satisfaction in it. You realize that, the more satisfaction you're getting out of your life, the more consistently you exercise, the more energy you have to do well at work, at home, and in relationships. You're learning to take time for yourself and not feel guilty. You're beginning to see a difference in your life - you're more confident, you see people respecting you more, and perhaps you're even building a larger social network. There was some resistance from friends or family - but you recognized that they wished they were also doing what you were and kept going.
Sure, time management was hard at first - but by renewing your energy and checking out a couple books, now you feel like you have more time than ever! You're a better partner, a better worker, and feel like a new woman. Congratulations!
-continue to Get the Right Man -3
What do you want out of your personal life? Do you just want one short-term relationship after another? Are you waiting for the right guy to come along?
Well even if he does you probably won't even know it. Outlined below are the exact steps you need to make yourself into a vibrant, interesting, fun person; attract the man of your dreams; and help him commit to you. Please be patient and receptive.
Even if some ideas are "old news" to you, you will certainly learn a thing or two by the time you finish reading! The first few steps for finding a man are the most difficult ones. These are the steps that, when not attended to, will appear over and over again throughout the marriage, leading to arguments, suffering, or perhaps divorce. It's the one many women feel the most resistance to.
The reason for this? It requires not only time and energy, but a little bit of risk - by pursuing your desires or even just allowing yourself to dream, you expose yourself to the possibility of not getting them. Of trying and failing. And often, it's easier to say you don't want something because if you don't try, you never run the risk of being a failure.
The true failures in life, however, are people who end up resenting their lives or those around them because they never got the guts to go for their dreams. People don't regret failure. At the end of life, people regret the things they always wanted but never tried to do. Part of the resistance you feel will simply be because many women feel selfish pursuing their own passions.
However this self-sacrificing practice has been shown in research to be a high predictor for divorce. Sure, you will want to resist - but perhaps you should admit that you truly deserve to allow yourself to give this a shot, because in truth, you want a man who has done the same thing.
And, to tell you the truth, most men you would be attracted to do all of this without being asked, without feeling guilty for it - because it is not something to feel guilty about. The first thing to keep in mind as we begin to go over the concepts below is how men operate. (There are, of course, both feminine and masculine people of both genders.
For ease of use, we say "men and women" hereafter, but this can easily be applied to a "male or female" version of either sex, as typically, regardless of the sex, masculine energy is typically attracted to feminine. Here, we're referring to the masculine energy when we say "men".) On the average, men love action. They love doing. When something interests them, they'll do it. That makes them interesting and revitalizes them when they're drained - so they don't feel guilty about it. They have full lives, fun friends, great gadgets - all these things make men interesting to women. (Even when women hate their man's friends, these friends are typically a source of carefree fun for men.)
The second thing to keep in mind is the purpose of a relationship. Relationships - whether friendship or romantic - are first and foremost about someone who you enjoy being around. It's really that simple. When relationships deteriorate, it's because the people no longer enjoy each other. It is not enjoyable to be around anyone who is not respectful or who you can't trust. Even people who you may feel chemistry with are not always people who can make you happy. So to start the process -
Begin by just clearing the room of distractions and sitting down to imagine this scenario. Really sit back. Take a deep breath. Relax. Allow yourself to stop the resistance within you and just breathe. After taking just enough time to do this step, you can go back to your life and doubts. Now - imagine the following without fear or doubt.
Imagine - just for a moment - you had all the money in the world, no responsibilities at all, and anything you could want. The only work you have to do in this dream is work you choose to do because you enjoy it. Now - imagine what you would do each day, every day. You can have any position you want (from secretary to construction to lawyer to charity work), any hobbies you want (from woodcutter to runner). You can travel (France, Italy, China, Japan).
You can play any music instrument you like (guitar, piano, mandolin, drums), participate in any sport (soccer, kayaking, running, strength training), read anything (from science to literature), write anything (novels, poetry, music), do anything you want out in nature (hiking, studying herbs, birdwatching), have any type of spiritual experiences or just meditation, even just something as simple as gardening if you want. Make a list of all of the things you would do with your free time if you had the chance.
Next, make a list of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences you want. Traveling somewhere, skydiving, white water rafting, anything at all. The things you want to do before you die. Write down anything else you have passion for, you find fascinating, you really wish you were involved in.
Look at the lists in front of you. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Yeah, but I could never do that, because... (time, money, I'm scared, my mother, etc)." And that's the exact thought process that people have who never really find themselves satisfied. Instead, look at those things, go back over them, and circle 10 that bring an emotional response within you, that really strongly appeal to you regardless of how unattainable they are. Now, instead of saying, "I can't because..." say, "I will, and here's the plan!"
That exact attitude - known as the "winner's attitude" has been shown, again and again, to produce results. Now perhaps select one or two that are really impossible - becoming President (change it to getting involved in politics or studying politics, whatever fulfills your desire), for example, or stopping time.
Accept the possibility that you might not get them. But for all the others, NEVER accept the possibility that you will not try - because that is simply you giving up on yourself. 8. Those ten items you have written down - those are the keys. Those speak to you. Those things - as you begin to learn to do them, save money for them, study for them, work for them, whatever your plan may be, no matter how long you have to wait for them - those 10 things (AND the pursuit of them!) are what your passions are, what will make you interesting, vibrant, and full of youth - the very qualities you need to find a man.
The uncompromising pursuit of the things that inspire you will show a man that you have interests beyond just him - that, in itself, will make you interesting. Pursuing those passions is what we call "having a life" - an essential when you want a man to respect you. Now, yes, you may not get all 10. And you certainly should not take financial risks you cannot afford to lose for them (although making some sacrifices in daily expenditure can help).
But you will certainly find it very possible to commit to doing one or two as hobbies each week, even if the process of trying to learn them is embarrassing, even if your family won't support you, even if a guy asks you to schedule a date during that time. And especially, you will have one or two which you will work during your life to achieve, making a commitment to go skydiving or visit Italy no matter how many years it will take. You can do what you are "supposed to do" at work, if you want. But those 10 things - of those, hold on strongly to pursuing 5 of them for your whole life, or until you find you are no longer passionate about them. Because by making your dreams and passions a priority, you show a man that you believe your dreams matter. And because of that, he will respect you and believe your dreams matter, perhaps trying to help you achieve them.
If you're still wrestling with the feeling that you cannot do these things, there are experts in every possible field out there that have found a way to combat that excuse. Just go out and find a book to get you started. Here are some resources to help you. If you think you don't have enough time (everyone's favorite excuse!) check out flylady.net. If you think you do not have enough money, check out the books, "The Automatic Millionaire," "Miserly Moms," or "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". If you feel you are two shy, realize that it is not something you have to live with forever - that many people have overcome - and make a pledge to get rid of it. Start by just getting into the habit breathing, of being relaxed, then waiting no longer than 3 seconds to just say "hello" to people.
Next, make a point of going to public places each week and saying "hello" to 10 strangers a week. Gradually increase that to 20. Move on, when you're comfortable, to having simple conversations about things that do not involve either of you personally - usually a comment on the environment you're in. You'll learn overtime to deal with just about any personality type and learn not to care too much about what people think of you. Whatever else you find holding you back, face your fears, again and again, until you no longer fear them.
At this point, you might be saying - "Hey, I'm here to find a man!" Yup, you're right. But all of these steps are essential for combating one of the largest issues on the female side of relationships - the feeling of a void in your life that we incorrectly think is because of the lack of a man.
Well, guess what? Men can see that, too. And that internal void scares men away like nothing else. Men pursue their dreams. Because of that, many men go through life fulfilled, not needing women, simply enjoying sex, until one day around age 25 or 30 they feel ready to settle down and find a wife. On the other hand, very often women just pursue men instead of their dreams. That leaves a big gap. That puts all the responsibility for satisfaction in your life on a man. And that leads to the desperate, dramatic, and clingy behaviors that men run away from and that women hate when they see it in themselves.
continue to Get the Right Man-2
Finding a guy is one thing, but keeping him around is another. Both are important steps. But what are some of the secrets of women who find men willing to commit?
This is not an all-encompassing guide, but it may be a start in helping you develop deeper relationships.
Steps
1. Love yourself.
If you're not happy with who you are then don't expect others will be. Analyze yourself and change what you don't like. Positive self-esteem is key.
2. Know your role.
An important part of any relationship is making both partners aware that they have a crucial and indispensable role to play.
3. Be emotionally grounded.
Life with you should not be a roller coaster ride. Men generally like women who are stable, and vice versa.
Sometimes this is a difficult task in our hectic lives, but it is not impossible. If you find yourself referred to as a "drama queen" in more than one instance, seek help and guidance in relaxing your nerves and calming your emotions.
4. Men are often slower to commit because they are very careful about getting to know a woman before they commit to her.
They date first before becoming a boyfriend, they stay a boyfriend first before getting engaged. This is often hard for women, but there is a lesson to be learned from it. They make sure (as women should) that they feel compatible on all levels. This process must happen at its own pace. Pressuring a man to make a decision before he feels he knows you will inevitably lead him to doubt. Don't talk about marriage until either he brings it up or it's been about a year.
5. Keep dating fun, as it should be.
If dating goes well, and your interactions are positive, he'll want you to be his girlfriend. If he builds experience with you and sees you as a person he wants to be with forever, he will get more serious about his future and work, start considering longer-term goals such as buying a home, and begin to discuss the future more and more. Only once he has made a decision about you and feels prepared and mature enough to propose will he do so.
6. Show confidence.
Be sure of yourself, and ready to tackle whatever is before you. Many men love confident women. How can a man not feel privileged when he earns the esteem of a woman who values herself so highly?
7. Show endearment with class.
A certain look. A scratch on the back. A soft kiss. Nothing "clingy" or inappropriate.
8. Appreciate a man's strengths.
And tell him so, even if he's already prideful. Then support him when he is at his best, and avoid nagging or berating him when he is at his worst.
9. Be fun.
This sounds basic, but it's a critical factor in any relationship. Have a sense of humor. Don't be uptight or negative.
10. Overflow with joy.
Women who are glad to be alive and are enjoying every minute of it may be irrepressibly attractive to men.
11. Glow.
If the warmth of your heart is written all over your face, and your feelings for your guy show in the sparkle in your eyes, you will melt him. This is what removes all doubt - it's the important "silver bullet".
12. Practice humility.
A humble person is not someone who downplays herself; it is a person who controls her ego and shows a genuine interest in others.
13. Date.
It may not be obvious, but you actually have to go out on dates with a man and commit to a relationship before he will propose. The term "date" in modern culture is vague and sometimes redefined as something more than it is. Simply converse with a man and get to know more about each others' lives.
14. Don't assume.
Some men wait slightly longer than you might want before they ask. If he is really worth marrying, you should be willing to wait (within reason). But if he is uninterested (or worse, making excuses) even after a long period of time, you need to reevaluate the direction of your relationship. Remember, great romances are not built on bargaining and ultimatums - in the best marriages the man is the one initiating conversations about marriage. Sometimes allowing a man to lead the direction of a relationship is in-line with your desires. Try it, you'll like it.
15. Remember that romance runs both ways.
If you want to be respected and treated as an equal, do the same for him. Be romantic. Make him want to be in this relationship. Don't be a cheapskate. Men often enjoy romance too; pretending otherwise will only drive him away.
16. Remember that some men are perfectly willing to date women they really like but don't see as "marriage material."
If, after six months to a year, you still haven't heard him refer to his future plans for marriage or family (with or without you) you may need to ask, "What qualities do you look for in someone you see yourself committing to?" If he mentions qualities he's complimented you on, take it as a good sign. If his compliments are largely related to sex, it probably is not.
17. If you feel the need to have a serious talk, reconsider the approach.
Instead of coming at him with a serious tone (which will bring up his innate fear of pressure for commitment), be upbeat and positive. "I really love spending time with you. I really feel happy around you. But I just want to double check and see if we're on the same page. While I know it is too soon for us to worry about it, I do want to get married in the future and want to make sure I'm dating someone who has the same values as me. As we get to know each other better and better, are you beginning to see me as someone you could possibly see that happening with?"
18. Convey unconditional love.
A strong relationship should be based upon more than convenience. Pushing past difficult times while remaining together requires a deep commitment and appreciation for one another. Unconditional love is developed over time. It is a choice we make, not necessarily a feeling we experience.
19. Set goals.
Marriage itself only works when you're moving forward, so it's good practice to start now. Generally speaking, men like women who know who they are and where they're going, even if some of the goals need to be changed a bit down the road.
Tips
* A comfort with, and affinity towards men is non-negotiable. No man will commit to spending the rest of his life with a "man hater"... nor should he.
* If you disrespect a man by openly flirting with other men his presence, don't expect a ring.
* If he is not showing a desire to marry after several months or longer, he may never want to marry you. You don't want a man to "settle" for you; your partner should see you as his first choice or something is wrong.
* Know what you are looking for in a man. Learn what personally attracts you to others to help find a better match. Be honest about communicating these preferences, but do so in subtle, caring manner.
* Most men want a feminine woman. Interestingly, women who fit this description are more likely to attract masculine men.
* Ironically, women who give men an incentive to marry them may end up moving him in the opposite direction.
* It's certainly important to maintain who you are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Whatever attracted him to you, be sure to maintain it. It is well-documented that men appreciate women who are beautiful, cute, and/or sexy in their eyes. If you disregard this fact, don't expect your man to view you as the "most beautiful woman in the world".
* Visualize being the woman who a man remembers fondly. Capitalize on your positive unique qualities, talents, or interests.
* As author Sarah Ban Breathnach said, "If you wait for the best, you will very often get it." Expect good things to happen. Create a mission statement - and be specific - defining precisely what it is you want in a man. Revisit and revise this statement from time to time. Prepare yourself mentally to meet and marry the man of your dreams.
* Show some confidence-women who have high self-esteem, are comfortable and happy with themselves, are irresistible to men. Smile, show off your love for him and yourself by showing how happy your relationship makes you!
* Always, always, always keep trying new things on multiple fronts. Whether it's new food, a new sport, or a new travel destination, this will keep life exciting, and you interested in your own life. Both men and women become depressed when they feel they know exactly what to expect out of the rest of their lives.
* Be positive, fearless, and enjoy your life! If you think you need him to make life more fulfilling, then you need to focus on you for a while and learn how to be whole without him. A man won't fill any void.
Warnings
* Women whom men eventually leave might exhibit the following traits: o Complaining. It's not good to be negative. After a while this is like listening to a bad disco record over and over. Believe it. o Thinking men are all about sex. Giving it out early and often will not necessarily keep a man. Hint: How soon first sex happens, in and of itself, has little to do with how long a relationship lasts. o Focused on physical appearance. Being cute is not enough to land a well-rounded guy forever. If you get a guy to commit to you based on looks alone, stay tuned for a miserable life together. o Taking no risks. They worry about everything and don't have the guts to go for what they want. o Having general problems. OK, someone else in your past has nothing to do with your new guy. You must enjoy being a woman and be attracted to what makes men male.
* Jealousy. Unfortunately, jealous people may also cheat on their partners. Studies say that when people criticize others, listeners tend to consign the traits criticized to the speaker him/herself. Are you a walking, self-fulfilling prophecy?
* Vanity: No guy likes a wife who goes around thinking she's better than everyone around her. Positive Self-esteem-Good. Vanity-Bad.
* Don't be controlling. If you are a controlling woman, you are not showing him the respect he may need to feel good about himself.
How to Have a Healthy Relationship
There are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship, many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.
Steps
1. Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness.
Accept yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Take good care of yourself. If you really want, you CAN always find something to do that makes you feel good about yourself right now. Love yourself, so pursue your true needs. Light up your true desires. Ask yourself why you didn't?
Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way.
Keep reminding yourself you are GOOD ENOUGH to have a happy life and a healthy relationship. Make yourself happy, and then share with one another.2. Make and keep clear agreements.
Respect the difference between yourself and your partner.
Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it.
Leave the partner if you can't reach any agreement or you find he or she always makes excuses for breaking the agreement or plan.
If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late.
If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement and/or tell the truth about any feelings you're having about someone else before you act on them. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.3. Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan.
You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Most people argue to be "right" about something.
They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Okay, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship.
Having a healthy relationship means that you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn to love and share and learn from those experiences.
If you can't reach any mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you is wrong or bad, it only means you don't suit each other.
4. Approach your relationship as a learning experience.
Each one has important information for you to learn. For example, do you often feel 'bossed' around in your relationship, or do you feel powerless?
When a relationship is not working, there is usually a familiar way that we feel while in it. We are attracted to the partner with whom we can learn the most, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no longer serves us.
A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it continues to improve.5. Tell the unarguable truth.
Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love.
Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner.
Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it.
The unarguable truth is about your true feelings; your partner can argue about anything that happens outside of you, but he or she cannot rationally deny your feelings.
Here are some examples:
"I felt scared when I saw you talking to him at the party,"
"I feel angry when you hang up on me,"
and
"I felt sad when you walked out during our fight and didn't want to be around me."6. Do not do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation.
The things you do for your partner must always be done because you chose to do them and you wanted to do them.
Do not hold your "good deeds" over their head at a later time.
Keeping score in a relationship will never work: a person is less likely to notice and value all the contributions of their partner as much as their own.7. Forgive one another.
Forgiveness is a decision of letting go the past and focusing on the present.
It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it.
If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign.
It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.8. Review your expectations.
Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money.
Make sure you don't expect your partner to fulfil every need in your life. One person cannot be everything to you.
Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation, but your partner cannot alone give you all of that.
You need to get some from your friends, from your family, but first and foremost, love yourself. And above all, you can have perfect thing only from God.
Attempting to change someone else's mode of processing or personality style won't work -- and will create derailments.9. Be Responsible.
Here's a new definition:
Responsible means that you have the ability to respond.
Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you are to blame.
There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it, and get curious about why you are jealous and how you might do it differently next time.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, get curious about why this situation seems similar to others from your past, and how you might create a better relationship for yourself rather than dwell in anger or resentment or try to change your partner instead.10. Appreciate yourself and your partner.
In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better. Tips* Know yourself and be honest with yourself and love yourself -- first! Only then can you truly appreciate and love someone else. * Take good care of yourself. Treating yourself with respect and love is as important as respecting and loving your partner. Conduct yourself with dignity, even if you're very familiar with one another.* All good relationships are based upon mutual respect. If you do not feel respect for your partner, or believe your partner is losing respect for you, then consider ways of rebuilding it immediately. Respect is the key. If you have true respect for one another, then nothing can go wrong. You just have to find the right person to respect, this is the hard part.
* Ask questions, clarify, don't assume. Do not talk if your mind is not clear or full of anger. When you feel hurt, do not say
"you don't love me / you never loved me" or
"let's break up" or
"when do you want to break up?".
You will regret one day. Tell him or her you feel hurt, and ask for clarification first.* Treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Be gentle and kind.
Apologize if your partner feels hurt. Apology does not mean you are bad, it only means you care.
When you are full of anger, it will surely burst out of your mouth if you open it. Calm down first, then think it through, then try to talk.
When your partner asks to be left alone, do not blame or criticize. Show your respect and support by give him or her the time and space to calm down and think it through first. But do not leave any unsolved problem for too long.* Be the first to tell your partner, either positive or negative.
Trust is as essential as respect. If you want your partner to trust you, trust him or her first. Let your partner play guessing games may lead to misunderstanding and frustration. But, don't just tell him or her the issue, also talk about your plan to solve it.
* Strike while the iron is cold. Know when to be reflective and invoke principles. When the house is burning is no time to teach fire safety principles.* Communicate with your partner. Without communication, there is no relationship. Stay in touch by, for example, calling your partner even if it's just to say 'hi' and 'I love you'.* Avoid any activity that could cause your partner to experience doubt, suspicion or distrust - build your credibility and earn trust and respect by always communicate truthfully and proactively, and always keep your words.
In this way, if something happens which looks incriminating, your partner will believe you if you claim you are innocent. Past behavior predicts future actions - building a solid foundation of trust and integrity will take you far.
However, ultimately your life and where it takes you is more important than your obligations to someone else. If there is trust in a relationship, you should be able to do what you want. You aren't responsible for making someone else jealous.* Always make sure to show your partner that you appreciate him/her.
Whether it's calling them to check in, say I love you, or just spend your Saturday night together. The possibilities are endless.* Know when to say no, and know when time and space are actually constructive tools.* It is not always a good idea to answer certain questions with absolute truth if they bring emotional harm.
"Do you sometimes think about your ex?" and
"do I look fat in these pants?" are both loaded questions.
In a relationship, answer questions honestly, but with tact and grace. For example,
"I think you have other pants that look better on you" is a helpful answer, instead of simply "they don't", or "they do make you look fat".* Remember what you don't do is as important as what you do.* Avoid flirting with others, especially previous partners or coworkers. Doing so may spur romantic feelings for another. There is nothing wrong with having friends of a gender you are attracted to; just keep flirting out of the friendship.* Tell your partner how you really feel about your ex and why you're no longer romantically involved. Don't ever lie or cheat on your partner, however one of those questions it's best not to answer totally honestly is
"do you still think about your ex?"
If you have fond memories, don't dwell on them, and hasten to assure your partner that while you occasionally remember places you went or things that happened, you are so much happier to be with your present partner. Period. Don't launch into a rehashing of the old days with the ex, or wax nostalgic.* 'It can help to learn the difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships' - That way you can see potential problems as and when they arise
(Remember - its likely you would see something Unhealthy at some point so don't be alarmed or shocked as there is no perfect relationship because we are all human and fallible).
If you see something Unhealthy in your relationship try and work out why this is and see if you can work towards resolving it.
Warnings
* Keep your expectations about the relationship realistic.
Marriage should not be on your mind if you've been dating for a week, for example.
Nor should you think that the relationship is going to solve all of your problems, or that you'll never be lonely again, or anything like that.
Relationships can be wonderful things, but be realistic about them. Just as one can feel lonely in a crowd, one can also feel lonely occasionally when in a relationship - that doesn't mean the relationship is bad, it only means you're feeling a little down. Don't ascribe too much importance to it unless these feelings linger and begin to dominate your days and nights. If this happens, seek help; you may be spiralling into a depression.* Do not assume that any one relationship will be perfect. It is human to experience disagreements and emotional pain. Working past these issues may be an ongoing struggle.* Do not call it quits when you do argue. When in a state of anger, we can not rationalize and often find ourselves losing control by saying things we don't mean. Hang in there and try to work it out before finalizing a break-up that you will regret afterwards. That said, if you find you are arguing more and more, examine the possible reasons, and talk it over together.
-from WikiHow with addition in some parts
How to Define Love
"How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" — Albert Einstein
Love is difficult to define. How do you avoid confusing it with infatuation or lust? Philosophers and psychologists both have attempted to define love, or at least its difference from infatuation and lust. If you are looking to find love, the following observations may be helpful.
Steps
1. The dictionary defines love in the ways we use the word. For example love is:
* A strong positive emotion of. affection or pleasure. e.g. "His love for his work." or "I love cooking."
* Any object of warm affection or devotion or liking; "the theater was her first love". I love French food.
* Beloved: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment
* A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction. e.g. "She was his first love" or "She loves her husband."
* A score of zero in tennis or squash; "It was 40 love!"
* Sexual love: sexual intercourse between two people. e.g. "They made love." "He hadn't had any love in months";
2. Love is characterized by the desire to do anything for that person no matter what. And you're willing to work out your problems together. And you just can't hardly breathe when you're around them and even though you may see them all the time or hardly ever it's as if you get that rush of what you felt when you got your first kiss #The Greeks defined love in four categories:
* AGAPE love is unconditional love. It is love by "CHOICE". A good example is "GOD LOVES US"
* PHI LEO love is the love of "ATTRACTION" guided by our likes or our healthy or unhealthy needs and desires.
* STORGE is a physical show of "AFFECTION" the need for physical touch.
* EROS is the physical "SEXUAL" desire, intercourse.
3. Define love, what does it mean to you? Be bold and write down the feelings and thoughts you have about love.
4. Be aware of moments you feel love towards anyone or anything.
5. Consider your motives, what are you getting from the situation.
6. Think about whether you'd feel the same way if the other person's looks were to change.
7. Capture that feeling with metaphors, poetry or songs.
8. Define love like a psychologist: love can be viewed triangularly. There are three key components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
* Passion underlies physical desire, sexual behavior, and arousal. This is the physical side.
* Intimacy is the emotional aspect: closeness, connectedness, and warmth of friendship.
* Commitment is the decision-making part "CHOICE" of love; are couples willing to work it out?
9. Understand that love may start as harmless flirting and smiles and winks and maybe even kissing, but it is usually infatuation at this point, a more curious approach by one or both parties. While time is usually spent looking to discover more about this intriguing person, much time will be spent pondering the many possibilities of what could happen, or the consequences that may become of a certain action, or on the other hand the good that may come of it.
10. Understand that most often to the person in love there will be little left of interest in the real world, food will taste bland, concentrating will have become a serious mental struggle and even fun pastimes may seem worthless, as pacing and walking or even simply sitting or lying while thinking about the person seems a more sensible thing to do.
* This type of behavior can lead to serious disturbances at work and at home, especially if the person feeling love is already an item with somebody else with whom they may have shared these feelings at some time in the past.
11. Note that although love has never been scientifically proven to exist, it is thought; quite accurately as of yet that one can only be in love with one person or thing at a time. The part of the human being that is reserved for sharing with another (which some may call the soul, or the heart) is used up while dedicating itself to that one source, and that it is impossible to feel the overwhelming feeling twice at once.
* Although similar, love is thought not to be like pain which has definite locations; it is thought that it can move around, although usually it will reside in the lower stomach or the bottom of the throat, with sensitive areas like the temples and the legs and joints feeling stressed and weak. The mouth is often dry and the eyes seem strained, and this is all usually given the diagnosis of love sickness; or in some cases where love isn't present; influenza.
12. Understand that time does seem to be the only healer in the case of love. The full connection of two loving parties (mutually) could lead to a stronger relationship, and developments such as procreation and marriage; but in the case of a single party or the rejection of the first party by the second, or even in the case of a secret love, being in love will usually only fade after the interest is out of sight and out of mind, or gives full closure to the pursuer.
13. Realize that in some cases (especially in literature) love will last forever. No matter how much time passes by, or what obstacles become present in the path to true and pure love, love will endure. This may be far fetched from reality, but many find it to be a preferable way to think.
* Although this may be a much more joyous belief to have of love, there are also those situations where love does fail. This can be easily said to have been due to false love of mistaken identity between persons (as lovers are star crossed and are meant to find each other). Either way, the difference between feeling love and not feeling it is a distinct one, and cannot be mistaken. It is a true sickness that is present and can be more crippling than the flu, depression and many other illnesses combined.
* Love can cause war; in the cases of love of religion and the love of money; war can cause people to steal and murder, it can lead to suicide and shatter marriage and family life, it can spread disease and give birth to evil; but love is eternal and cannot be eliminated, it is what makes people human. "I think therefore I am" may also be translated as "I love therefore I am". Being able to think give us the ability to choose our partners not because of their breed or simple survival of the fittest, but in order for us to develop as human beings, and to share our love and spread it on to new generations, so that while love lasts eternally, our mark upon humanity lasts forever through our children and children's children; we have made our mark upon humanity; our genetic code will continue to be passed on and develop for ever more. This possibility is a gift, not a dedication, we have to choose as we were born with conscientiousness, not animal instinct.
* Desire is the want of more and is unfillable, not to be confused with Love which is joy and contentment.
Tips
* There are many combinations, all of which form some kind of love. Is there passion and friendship but very little commitment? This is defined as "passionate love." Are you committed but feel no passion or friendship? This is called "empty love." What most people ultimately desire, is "TRUE LOVE" the total package: passion, intimacy, friendship and commitment in one healthy relationship. It's the most fulfilling love. It is unconditional, and in my opinion the only "CHOICE".
* For inspiration, read Elizabeth Barrett Browning's famous poem, "How Do I Love Thee?"
* For additional inspiration, you might want to consider this Shakespeare quotation: "Love is not love/Which alters when it alteration finds" (Sonnet 116)
Warnings
* Just because you feel love doesn't mean the other person does!
* People are capable of falling in and out of love so if your "true love" turns out to be abusive or makes you cry more than smile, end it and find a healthy person to love.
* Remember there are levels of love, and true love is a "CHOICE" and just because someone says they love you doesn't mean they love you. Their actions will tell.
* Love is not a feeling. couples who have been married for a considerable amount of time, at least 10 years, can tell you that true love is not a feeling. Feelings tend to come and go; true love shouldn't.
* Love can take over your whole life if you are not careful. Let it not take you over, but become a part of who you are. When you think about the person you love it should make you want to be a better person, for them.
How to Get a Good Man It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman.
This is written from a man's perspective to help frustrated women that are sincerely looking for a good man but keep finding losers.
Steps
1. Be yourself.
When you meet someone for the first time, you may be tempted to be someone you're not, such as "putting on your best face".
There's nothing wrong with wanting to make a good impression.
However, it is possible to take this too far and in turn repel men.
The same applies with myths about dressing sexy and excessive flirtation.
If you do not respect your body, you will only attract men who have a similar lack of respect for you and your body, and a good man will find it more difficult to take you seriously. Be yourself, and a real man will respect you.
2. Have a life.
Desperate, dramatic, and clingy relationships are often rooted in a feeling of need and desperation for a man to fill your life. Even if you have low self-esteem, but work over time to build it.
Pursue your goals, explore your passions, have an interesting life, do things that take you outside your boundaries. Don't put up a tough exterior to get over shyness; gradually learn to build trust with a network of people, so that your boyfriend isn't the only person you open up to and share your life with.
3. Be relaxed and cool.
Most guys hate it when girls are possessive, bitchy, clingy, controlling, etc. Learn to relax, and have fun. We all have too much going on in our lives; don't be the high maintenance "drama queen".
Having a woman around who makes life more difficult than enjoyable will make a man lose interest. If you do things like show genuine concern when the man has had a rough day, it will earn his respect and go toward winning him over and a good man will reciprocate.
Remember that most men, especially the good ones, are looking for someone with whom they can be comfortable, and not someone who is always intense.
4. Realize differences in communication.
Men can often miss the subtle messages that women send in their body language. Don't judge a guy because of this, it's just the way men are.
Subtle body language like smiles only make a man think that you might like him; he can't assume it means you're interested without being accused of being a self-absorbed jerk.
To drive the point home, gradually introduce more "obvious" body language like playful touches on the arm, playful banter and teasing, winks, inside jokes, playfulness, or (when you know him better) attempts to find a man's ticklish spots.
(Don't be afraid to kindly tease him over minor things - women who pretend a man is perfect are regarded as weak in their eyes.)
Flirting will not only show him you like him enough to get that physical and playful, but also help to break the physical barrier and allow a man to feel more comfortable making a few advances to you. But don't forget to look at how he is reacting to you.
5. Take a good look at yourself.
Psychological studies have shown that people seek out partners to fill a psychological void. Sometimes these voids are unhealthy, for example a woman who is unhealthy will actually seek out any man for the "high of seduction" or to get attention and feel desirable.
Look inside yourself and ask yourself why you want a man so bad, be truly honest with yourself, and if need be talk to a therapist about this.
A woman with issues only attracts a guy with issues as well, and a good, real man doesn't want anything to do with a woman who has more issues than TIME magazine.
If you want a good, healthy relationship with a real man, make certain that your own mental state and intentions are healthy.
6. Drop the games.
Nobody likes a partner who plays "head games". This is deceptive, and will hurt anybody who trusts you. Be real, don't play games, and good men will respect you and may even pursue you. Playing head games will only make good men run away. Remember the communication thing? That is especially true here.
If you like a guy, don't push him away and act like you don't like him. Tell him.
Yes, there are some men who do like the thrill of the chase, but all good men genuinely want to respect you and your wishes, and will leave you alone if you insist on it. Remember, men communicate directly, if you act like you don't want him, he'll think you don't want him.
7. Treat him with respect.
This is the most important thing of all. Men hate being around a woman who emasculates them, and a good man won't take long to leave such a woman.
Don't be afraid to help your man feel good about himself. A little known secret is that men are just as insecure as women. If he's with his friends or family be open to opportunities to let your man look like "the man". It will win his love and respect.
8. Don't be afraid to make a move.
Let's be real, a good man doesn't desperately need any woman, he would like to meet a good woman. If he's a good man, he will appreciate the compliment to his attractiveness, at the very least.
But remember that compliments are usually given to acquaintances - people who are intimate usually have a more honest connection, with playful teasing and banter.
Think of good relationships between brothers and sisters, parents and children, especially couples - they're always joking, laughing, teasing, flirting in a positive way. A woman who is always complimenting may simply be boring and look desperate.
Even if you are old-fashioned and never want to be the woman who asks a man for a date, you can still go out of your way to talk to him, and arrange to be with him.
Don't over do this, however; unless he is already attracted to you before the encounter, the more obvious it is that you've put a ton of time into the encounter without his direct encouragement, the more desperate and less attractive you look. Work on building attraction first.
9. Respect yourself.
If you say no, he should stop. If he doesn't stop, leave. Don't ever be uncomfortable saying no. Don't go against your morals to try to keep a guy. If you feel this is necessary, then either he's not a good man, or he is a good one but simply isn't a good match for you specifically (e. g. he is currently "playing the field" and is up front and honest about it, but you're looking for an exclusive relationship).
Don't be uncomfortable saying yes, either. If you feel the time is right, believe in your worth and don't worry that you're "giving yourself away."
You respect yourself and you're confident that he'll come back for more! A man who doesn't respect you in the morning never properly respected you to begin with, and a man who doesn't respect your wishes to wait is too impatient to make a good partner. Either way, find someone else.
10. Follow the Golden Rule.
That means apply the same rules to yourself that you'd apply to others, including him. Real men do in fact notice this, they just don't scream it out.
For example, if you do want to try finding his ticklish spots, then don't complain one bit if he tries finding yours in return. Don't go on about how you "don't NEED no man!" or about "men this, men that" if you don't want him treating you the same way.
DO, on the other hand, treat him--and others--with respect, dignity, and honor. Others will notice, too, and who knows--if they know you want a good, real man but don't yet have one, they just might introduce you to one!
11. Don't Be Clingy.
This means don't show that you love this person by being near them all the time they need space and they need to know that you don't want to follow them everywhere you go and they need to know that you have your own life.
Tips
* A good way to meet someone is through other people, or activities you enjoy. Some advice about being genuine: Don't take up hobbies or habits just to meet someone. If you meet him in a bar, he's liable to be a drinker. If you meet him in a house of worship, he's likely to be religious. First impressions are important, so if his first impression of you is "party girl", it will be difficult to change. The same thing goes for if his first impression of you is "uptight girl" or "mind-game girl".
* Practice the Golden Rule. If you want him to do something, you should be equally willing to do it yourself. You want him to ask you out or take you out or do whatever else for you? You should be equally willing, and don't wait for or expect him to do it first. Good men respect a woman who applies the same rules to herself that she would apply to a man.
Warnings
* Always give a man his space when he needs it - never come between a man and his friends, asking him to choose - he will ultimately resent you for it, even if he initially chooses you.
* Remember - interesting men look for interesting women. Make sure your life is about more than just him.
How to Write a Love Poem
For the cash-strapped, or romantically inclined, writing a sincere, well thought out love poem may be just the ticket to your loved one's heart.
It is easy to express your true feelings and thoughts in free-verse or rhyme.
You don't need to be a Shelley or Browning to write a great poem.
All it takes is sincerity, effort, a loving feeling and something to write with.
1. Write a page of standard prose, as fast as you can, about how you felt the first time you saw your loved one,
how you felt the first time you knew you were in love,
and how you feel right now about being together.
These three moments in time will create the structure of your poem.
2. Replace any weak verbs with stronger verbs and any pronouns with proper nouns.
Words depicting the 5 senses work well for love poems.
3. Reread your passage and pick a metaphor to tie the three moments together.
Choosing a metaphor is the most fun part so be wild with it.
An opening flower is a tried and true metaphor for love, but a cloud that looks like a heart might work even better.
4. Rewrite your passage using the metaphor to describe the three moments.
5. Read your page aloud, change things that sounds "off" to you. Make notes where you feel there's a pause in the flow.
6. Write the poem, putting a line breaks where you made the notes.
7. Whether you type or write the poem consider framing your poem. Your loved one may want to keep the poem as a memento!
8. Read the poem aloud to the person you love, or present it as a gift to them. Tips * Who knows—you may just write the "Greatest Poem Ever".
Just remember your poem is for the one you love. So make it personal and sensual.
* Think about your 'love',
how you feel when you are together or apart,
what you miss most when you're apart, how you feel when you reunite.
Write your thoughts and feelings.
Poetry comes from your heart—your thoughts will create a love poem based on your feelings.
* There's no need to be intimidated by rhyme schemes.
Remember, poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
Former Poets Laureate Robert Pinsky and Louise Gluck and current Poet Laureate Ted Kooser all write poetry that does not rhyme.
* The best writing advice is simple: omit needless words. One strong verb steamrolls any three weak ones.
* Poetry and almost all artful prose is about how the words reveal your feelings. Read your writings aloud to yourself to feel what your words are saying. If they stir emotion in you, they will for the person you love.
* Make it personal. If your love is named Kim or Vern try to use it. Don't use cliches', find something unique or special in your relationship and write about that. Your poem should be a reflection of the love you both share.
* One useful tip for any kind of poem is to "write it twice: first with the heart, then with your brain". Express your feelings without sounding corny.
* Read poems for ideas but "Do not copy them" it will get you nothing, and your loved one may find out.
* It's FINE to quote an existing poem. Just include the original author's name and say something like, "I thought of you when I read this."
* Some people are more poetic than others when it comes to expressing emotions, don't give yourself a report card, your poem doesn't need to be perfect just yours. A short, simple, romantic phrase or rhyme from your heart can be put in with a small gift to give your loved one. E.G. "I hope this gift will let you see ...how much, my love, you mean to me...
* A poem that can be written in prose isn't a poem, so don't follow the method of writing a huge block of prose, cleaning it up, and then cutting it arbitrarily into lines. Learn to write real poetry in meter--that will show your lover real dedication and effort.
* Recognize that this is only ONE way of writing a poem. Google "love poem" for a million others. The issue here is not how good a poem it is, it's how much emotion it evokes in your partner. You don't have to stick to the night you met. Try other powerful moments, for example the evening you two walked together just before the birth of your first child, the time you two got caught in the rain, clutching his/her hand on the roller coaster, etc. etc.
* If you want to rhyme, there are great rhyming dictionaries on the internet. Try to stay away from one syllable words and try making every other line rhyme.
* Golden Rule: If you are sincere, your partner will LOVE it. Guaranteed. * Do not talk about raw sex in your poem.
* You don't have to ignore sex either. Look at the work of e e cummings for example. Sex is a part of many romantic relationships and is as raw or refined as the partners themselves, e.g. Jose Nunez "Bilingual"
-from WikiHow
ok, good luck then
