Well, guess what? Men can see that, too. And that internal void scares men away like nothing else. Men pursue their dreams. Because of that, many men go through life fulfilled, not needing women, simply enjoying sex, until one day around age 25 or 30 they feel ready to settle down and find a wife.
On the other hand, very often women just pursue men instead of their dreams. That leaves a big gap. That puts all the responsibility for satisfaction in your life on a man. And that leads to the desperate, dramatic, and clingy behaviors that men run away from and that women hate when they see it in themselves. One of the biggest issues in sustaining a healthy relationship is developing a balanced use of your own time and especially your energy.
The habits necessary for a good relationship are essential to practice now, before you have a partner. You must, each week of your life, throughout your life:
a) take some time for work, whether it be furthering your career, bringing home the bacon, advancing your education;
b) have positive experiences with him, whether it be a weekly date night (without the kids) or, during exceptionally busy periods, checking in before he goes to sleep, giving him a kiss when he gets home, and asking him how his day went;
c) Time to regain your energy. Every single week. In order to truly be a good spouse and good mother, you owe it to your children to take the time to revitalize. Whether it means you need a babysitter once a week or whether your husband or friends take care of the kids, you need time, alone, each week relaxing. Cheap or expensive, whether it be by getting a massage (maybe from your sweetheart!), gardening, painting, going to Starbucks with a friend, whatever fills you with energy; Next,
d) Pursuing your passions. Whether it's garden club, hiking club, scrap booking - whatever it is, you must make an unwaivering commitment to it. Sure, a couple times a year, you'll miss a meeting; but you need to commit to it. Committing to it will, again, give you passion for your life and help the men in your life (especially your children) to respect you. There is no need to get emotional about this commitment.
Just calmly explain that you get energy from this commit to allow yourself to be a better wife and mother. Finally,
e) Time with friends. This is something both you and your love need. Some of this time can be spent as two couples together; but the most important time you can spend is with your "girlfriends," connecting as women (in the same way as he needs to connect to men). Do not expect your husband to bear the brunt of your emotions.
Emotions are something that women tend to understand best. While it is important to be able to connect emotionally with your partner, it is far more important to have a safe, open group of friends that you can connect to as well, if not every week, every other week. The excuse of time is simply not applicable here.
People who properly revitalize themselves through "alone" time, relaxation, and time with friends have enough energy to accomplish all of this, each week, while still maintaining a healthy family life and job.
For help with this, check out the book, "The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal". If you truly feel you cannot accomplish this in any given week, schedule it in so you accomplish it within every 2-week period.
There is, however, one last step. The step you perhaps avoid. The step you want to do, but somehow always find it hard to.
Exercise. Exercise, that source of agony - but also a source of energy. Something you'll find, once you commit to it for a month, will be something you start looking forward to. But don't look at exercise as a step to losing weight. Instead of a goal of, "I want to lose 5 lbs this month," set a goal of "I want to walk for 20 minutes, 2 times a week, every week this month. If I miss a day or two, that's ok, I'll just start right up again." You'll never need to do more than 20 minutes of cardio (if you want more challenge, try interval training) - and once you've been staying strong with your 20 minutes each week, perhaps get a personal trainer or very knowledgeable friend who can help you put together a 20-minute strength training routine. Add 10 minutes of stretching, and you've got all the exercise you need, 2-3 times a week. Don't allow your friend or trainer to over-burden you, however.
Don't even think about weight loss.
Focus only on building a habit and making it consistent.
Success will be looking back on your calendar and saying, "I didn't miss one of my eight workouts this month!"
Yes, exercise will make you look better. But it will also make you healthier, more energetic, more vibrant, more mentally cued in, and happier!
Plus you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you are doing a good thing for yourself. This step is extremely important for building a natural sense of self-discipline and confidence. If either of these is an issue for you, try getting involved in a challenge course.
So now you know what you need to accomplish each week. Great! It will take some time to get to the point where you fully incorporate it, however. And once you do find a man, you will have to have the strength to say, "I'm sorry; I can't do it tonight. I already scheduled something else. Perhaps next week?"
This first section will take some time to develop. Even then, it is a lifelong process. You must develop the strength to do it, getting stronger and stronger over time.
When a man comes across a woman with a fulfilled, satisfied life, who stands by what she does and shows she puts herself first so that she has enough energy to love and respect those around her, shows that she values herself and doesn't need a man to fulfill her
(only having a man in her life because she loves HIM specifically, not because she NEEDS any man),
a man will be very, very hesitant to do anything that would let her leave. So commit to pursuing your passions and dreams. You are worth it.
And if you want a truly wonderful man, you owe it to him to discover how to energize and revitalize yourself, so instead of draining him, you are a constant source of energy in the relationship. For yourself, and for your relationship, even if you are extremely poor and must find very cheap sources of passion and excitement, make a commitment today to take the next 60 days and focus, each day, on fulfilling each of the steps above, from pursuing your passions to taking time for yourself
So - it's been a month or two. You've worked each day on building a more fulfilling life. You find satisfaction in it. You realize that, the more satisfaction you're getting out of your life, the more consistently you exercise, the more energy you have to do well at work, at home, and in relationships. You're learning to take time for yourself and not feel guilty. You're beginning to see a difference in your life - you're more confident, you see people respecting you more, and perhaps you're even building a larger social network. There was some resistance from friends or family - but you recognized that they wished they were also doing what you were and kept going.
Sure, time management was hard at first - but by renewing your energy and checking out a couple books, now you feel like you have more time than ever! You're a better partner, a better worker, and feel like a new woman. Congratulations!
-continue to Get the Right Man -3
No comments:
Post a Comment