So far, we've: created a very fulfilling life; learned to recharge our batteries and take care of ourselves so we have energy to put into our relationships; learned how men look at dating and marriage; looked at attracting men and the importance of sticking with what you're comfortable with, instead of trying to impress him; how to manage sex by respecting our intuition; and gotten a more realistic, research-centered perspective on what works and doesn't work in marriage.
Now for the final step:
techniques for keeping the man of your dreams at your side for life.
As mentioned, it is extremely important to make a point of addressing issues when they arise. However, blaming, being condescending, and other judgmental are not only useless, but highly predictive of failure.
Instead, often simply stating feelings is enough. Practice saying the works, "I feel." "I feel sad... lonely... attacked... unhappy." Men live to make their women happy. That is one of the main reasons why they don't respond well to criticism - they feel inadequate. Men want to be their wife's hero. Allowing them to respond to your feelings, find a solution themselves (instead of having one suggested), and working to make their wives happy (rewarded by her happiness and smiling face) makes him a modern-day hero.
One of the keys to pursuing your own passions and having your own friendships is that you will not be needy and dependent on him. He will know that you have a lot going on. He knows that if he doesn't schedule a date and calls you last minute, you're probably out with your friends - so he calls in advance to schedule dates (this doesn't mean disrespecting him by getting drunk and flirting with guys, but a night out with the ladies, dinner and a movie, is appropriate fun). You also don't beg him for time alone. Just as it is important for you to have time with your friends, he must have time with his. That time he has, and the freedom you give him to have it, gives him time to miss you. Since you are busy, too, and he's missing you on his boy's night, you'll certainly see enough of him other nights. While it is important for a man to contribute to the household, it is also very important for you to watch for moments when your insecurity comes out.
Instead of setting a curfew like a mother would, at those times when you feel pangs of jealousy or insecurity, ask yourself, "Have I sacrificed my dreams lately? When was the last time I pursued my hobbies or saw my friends?"
Don't make excuses for lack of time - take action.
One difference between men and women is mental processing. Women tend to need a certain about of social time, often with other women, to help them process thoughts and feelings. Men, on the other hand, tend to need time along. Depriving a man of his "alone time" takes away his ability to recharge in the way he needs to. Attempting to force a man to "open up" will only make the process take longer. When a man feels that he is being analyzed or judged, he is far less likely to open up. Men need to feel safe, and have his thoughts and feelings validated and accepted, before he feels comfortable opening up to a woman. However, he still needs time alone, and women need to learn to respect this in the same way that men must respect a woman's need to have social interaction with other women. For a marriage to last, men must feel safe being able to express thoughts and feelings, particularly sadness.
The keys to dealing with your partner in relationship conflicts is expressing feelings and using the word "Regardless" - or withdrawing attention. "Regardless" is important, because no one can argue logic against emotion. However, while you may feel very emotional, take it out with exercise, talking to friends, or in other ways. Your conversation with your partner, even while expressing emotion, should be extremely calm and without visible emotion. Here are some examples:
A man is calls you up at the last minute, asking for a late date. It will obviously lead to a late dinner, or more likely, a booty call. For whatever reason, you happen to be free that night - but of course, you were not waiting for his call as he hadn't scheduled a date. You simply had decided to stay in that night to pamper yourself. You ask him to drive over to your house. He insists you drive to his. You feel internal doubt... trust that instinct. Inside, you can tell he's trying to weasel from you what he can get at his convenience. Response? Withdraw attention. "Will you drive over here?" "No, you come to my house," he says. "It seems like tonight just won't be convenient for me. Perhaps we can get together next week." By not allowing him to disrespect you, particularly for sex, you show him you will stand up for yourself. Seeing that you won't let him get away with a more minor jerky-thing, he's less likely to be more of a jerk to you in the future, and will certainly respect you much more. A true jerk will show his true colors here - but the average guy will say, "Sorry, let's go on a real date next week." Expect your man to treat you well and he will.
A man is not contributing around the home. Go to him and say,
"I feel sad." [this is the base emotion, which will elicit compassion.]
"Why?" he'll ask.
"Because I feel overworked."
"But I'm working hard, too," he says.
"Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel a sense of unfairness." [Notice the focus is still on feelings, which can not be argued with.]
"But I took out the garbage last week!"
"I really appreciate that. Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel like I do more." He can no longer argue. He sighs.
"What if I started doing the dishes every other night."
"Oh! That would be great - but that feels overly complicated. Every other night. I would still feel burdened overall."
"Ok, every night."
"Oh, thank you so much! What a great idea! You're the best, sweetie!" Sparkle. Smile. Hug him. Thank him. Practice well - research has shown that if you want to be a successful parent, you'll need to reward your kid's chores (yes, the ones they're supposed to do without encouragement!) with the same enthusiasm. And you should be enthusiastic. Becoming complacent and not showing appreciation is a very negative trait.
Now - sit back, and let him do it. He may do it later than you want. He may do it differently than you want. But don't touch those dishes, and expect them to be done- they will be. Then kiss him and smile - that's all he wants, to be your hero. Notice, clearly you don't suggest the solution. He comes up with it himself. Most importantly, you have to allow him to do it his way, even if he loads the dishes in a less that optimal way, he still did it and is your hero! This is the only part that may seem artificial to some - but it shouldn't be.
First, because researchers have shown how important support is for behavior modification. But mostly because you should appreciate what your partner does for you, and that appreciation is an important part in showing the type of support and affection research has shown to be so important in a marriage.
Note: if you are changing your strategy mid-relationship to a more mature manner of interacting, do not be surprised if you find conflict increasing before it settles down. You are changing the rules, which can be uncomfortable for him.
Never treat your partner like a child - don't talk down to him, don't give him unsolicited advice, don't cast judgement on him, don't give him curfews or try to control him.
Agree, if anything, to disagree about the way he does things. But accept the man as he is, appreciate him for who he is, don't try to change him. If you can't resist the urge, let him go for another girl who will appreciate him for him, not for what you consider to be his "potential."
These important concepts are really about staying mature, respecting him, and expecting mutual respect. They have also been shown to be highly successful. By managing your own energy, time, and emotion, you will find the ability to be the stronger emotional force in the relationship leading to a lasting love and respect for the both of you. =)
Now for the final step:
techniques for keeping the man of your dreams at your side for life.
As mentioned, it is extremely important to make a point of addressing issues when they arise. However, blaming, being condescending, and other judgmental are not only useless, but highly predictive of failure.
Instead, often simply stating feelings is enough. Practice saying the works, "I feel." "I feel sad... lonely... attacked... unhappy." Men live to make their women happy. That is one of the main reasons why they don't respond well to criticism - they feel inadequate. Men want to be their wife's hero. Allowing them to respond to your feelings, find a solution themselves (instead of having one suggested), and working to make their wives happy (rewarded by her happiness and smiling face) makes him a modern-day hero.
One of the keys to pursuing your own passions and having your own friendships is that you will not be needy and dependent on him. He will know that you have a lot going on. He knows that if he doesn't schedule a date and calls you last minute, you're probably out with your friends - so he calls in advance to schedule dates (this doesn't mean disrespecting him by getting drunk and flirting with guys, but a night out with the ladies, dinner and a movie, is appropriate fun). You also don't beg him for time alone. Just as it is important for you to have time with your friends, he must have time with his. That time he has, and the freedom you give him to have it, gives him time to miss you. Since you are busy, too, and he's missing you on his boy's night, you'll certainly see enough of him other nights. While it is important for a man to contribute to the household, it is also very important for you to watch for moments when your insecurity comes out.
Instead of setting a curfew like a mother would, at those times when you feel pangs of jealousy or insecurity, ask yourself, "Have I sacrificed my dreams lately? When was the last time I pursued my hobbies or saw my friends?"
Don't make excuses for lack of time - take action.
One difference between men and women is mental processing. Women tend to need a certain about of social time, often with other women, to help them process thoughts and feelings. Men, on the other hand, tend to need time along. Depriving a man of his "alone time" takes away his ability to recharge in the way he needs to. Attempting to force a man to "open up" will only make the process take longer. When a man feels that he is being analyzed or judged, he is far less likely to open up. Men need to feel safe, and have his thoughts and feelings validated and accepted, before he feels comfortable opening up to a woman. However, he still needs time alone, and women need to learn to respect this in the same way that men must respect a woman's need to have social interaction with other women. For a marriage to last, men must feel safe being able to express thoughts and feelings, particularly sadness.
The keys to dealing with your partner in relationship conflicts is expressing feelings and using the word "Regardless" - or withdrawing attention. "Regardless" is important, because no one can argue logic against emotion. However, while you may feel very emotional, take it out with exercise, talking to friends, or in other ways. Your conversation with your partner, even while expressing emotion, should be extremely calm and without visible emotion. Here are some examples:
A man is calls you up at the last minute, asking for a late date. It will obviously lead to a late dinner, or more likely, a booty call. For whatever reason, you happen to be free that night - but of course, you were not waiting for his call as he hadn't scheduled a date. You simply had decided to stay in that night to pamper yourself. You ask him to drive over to your house. He insists you drive to his. You feel internal doubt... trust that instinct. Inside, you can tell he's trying to weasel from you what he can get at his convenience. Response? Withdraw attention. "Will you drive over here?" "No, you come to my house," he says. "It seems like tonight just won't be convenient for me. Perhaps we can get together next week." By not allowing him to disrespect you, particularly for sex, you show him you will stand up for yourself. Seeing that you won't let him get away with a more minor jerky-thing, he's less likely to be more of a jerk to you in the future, and will certainly respect you much more. A true jerk will show his true colors here - but the average guy will say, "Sorry, let's go on a real date next week." Expect your man to treat you well and he will.
A man is not contributing around the home. Go to him and say,
"I feel sad." [this is the base emotion, which will elicit compassion.]
"Why?" he'll ask.
"Because I feel overworked."
"But I'm working hard, too," he says.
"Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel a sense of unfairness." [Notice the focus is still on feelings, which can not be argued with.]
"But I took out the garbage last week!"
"I really appreciate that. Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel like I do more." He can no longer argue. He sighs.
"What if I started doing the dishes every other night."
"Oh! That would be great - but that feels overly complicated. Every other night. I would still feel burdened overall."
"Ok, every night."
"Oh, thank you so much! What a great idea! You're the best, sweetie!" Sparkle. Smile. Hug him. Thank him. Practice well - research has shown that if you want to be a successful parent, you'll need to reward your kid's chores (yes, the ones they're supposed to do without encouragement!) with the same enthusiasm. And you should be enthusiastic. Becoming complacent and not showing appreciation is a very negative trait.
Now - sit back, and let him do it. He may do it later than you want. He may do it differently than you want. But don't touch those dishes, and expect them to be done- they will be. Then kiss him and smile - that's all he wants, to be your hero. Notice, clearly you don't suggest the solution. He comes up with it himself. Most importantly, you have to allow him to do it his way, even if he loads the dishes in a less that optimal way, he still did it and is your hero! This is the only part that may seem artificial to some - but it shouldn't be.
First, because researchers have shown how important support is for behavior modification. But mostly because you should appreciate what your partner does for you, and that appreciation is an important part in showing the type of support and affection research has shown to be so important in a marriage.
Note: if you are changing your strategy mid-relationship to a more mature manner of interacting, do not be surprised if you find conflict increasing before it settles down. You are changing the rules, which can be uncomfortable for him.
Never treat your partner like a child - don't talk down to him, don't give him unsolicited advice, don't cast judgement on him, don't give him curfews or try to control him.
Agree, if anything, to disagree about the way he does things. But accept the man as he is, appreciate him for who he is, don't try to change him. If you can't resist the urge, let him go for another girl who will appreciate him for him, not for what you consider to be his "potential."
These important concepts are really about staying mature, respecting him, and expecting mutual respect. They have also been shown to be highly successful. By managing your own energy, time, and emotion, you will find the ability to be the stronger emotional force in the relationship leading to a lasting love and respect for the both of you. =)
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