Get the Right Man - 5

When it comes to sexual behavior within a relationship, often women do get involved before they are truly ready. Men tend to respect women who wait until they are ready, because men tend to suspect that women who don't wait are either not respecting their own desire to wait or suspect that they are the type who might cheat on him. As it concerns serious relationships, the period before sex occurs is the courting period for men. Many men also enjoy a woman who allows them the opportunity to court her.
One thing, please do sex after marriage, its the best way for healthy relationship. You will know, wheter you love him or her with a pure heart or not.
The period of dating before sex can be a very fun time to get to know your partner. This period is pressure-free for both parties, as no commitment has been made. For that reason, it can be beneficial to allow yourself to just sit back and date, having no expectations of a relationship or sex until you feel that you really know the personality of the person you are dating. This can help you to leave a relationship you don't think will turn out well without being too emotionally involved to have a clear head about it.
Every couple is different. Some people spend a day together and feel that they have known each other for their whole lives. Some people warm to each other gradually. In general, relaxing, having fun, really getting a strong grip of the other person, and just dating before sex can help to reduce both the man's fear of committing to a relationship before he is ready, establish your own insistence on being respected, and allow either party to back out if they realize after a few weeks that the relationship will not work.

While each person will find their own time when they feel comfortable initiating sex, there are some hints which may help the decision to be made. Some of the best advice that can be given is based on experience of others who have been though the situation and either are happy with their decision or can point to reasons why they regretted it. These are, of course, simply opinions, and only you can make your final decision. One of the largest obstacles in the decision is the fact that sex can have the effect of bonding two people emotionally in a way that makes it more difficult to separate based on logic after sex has occurred.
Thats why we should do sex only after marriage.

First, the decision should be made when you feel completely comfortable in every way, trusting the man, and not having any unresolved doubts about him. It should be made before the night you anticipate initiating sex, not "on the spot". You should feel that you really know and understand him, beyond how he acts when he is on "good behavior" - in other words, that he is unreserved and you "connect" with him. Your decision should not be effected by his desires for sex. While the early months of a relationship can be extremely emotionally exciting due to a large number of hormonal factors, it is important not to ignore doubts you may have about the man and how he treats you. Are you with this person because of him, or are you thinking, "Well, it would be hard to find someone else?" If you dating this person while specifically looking for a husband, think about whether you would actually be friends with this person and respect them if you no longer had such intense emotions towards them. Make sure you are not tempted to get engaged with sex just because you are looking for affection from him.

In general, it is important to remember that chemistry and emotions can cloud judgment at times. Therefore waiting (depending on how well you get to know him and how often you see him) for a marriage will have the benefits of not only allowing you to objectively evaluate your true thoughts on the man, but also to show him that you respect yourself and do not fall for "lines" or pressure. This is an excellent precedent to establish early in a relationship. However, if you feel you need to wait longer, do wait longer, or perhaps end the relationship if you still have doubts after 6 months or so (however, the younger you are, the longer you should wait. No longer how sure both of you are about marriage and a future, it is always intelligent to wait until you are 18, as people do change quite a bit from year to year at that age). Waiting for this length of time does have the added benefit of getting rid of men who are only interested in sex.

(Side note: While this may seem conservative, the writers have learned some of the following advice the hard way.) Until you have made the decision to marriage, out of respect for him and his emotions, it is smart to politely stay out of his house and keep him out of yours, saying goodbye at the door, and not listening when he asks to "cuddle". It is important to be nice and friendly about it, but firm. If you are waiting to have sex, it is only fair to avoid teasing him by resisting the temptation to: remove clothing; invite him to stay overnight; sleep with him; touch him in a sexual way; make overt suggestions about sex; or see him in private. Once you have made the decision to have sex with him, any and all of these things are fair game and will be interpreted as a "go" sign by him.

Sexual activity can be fun, bonding, and fulfilling. It can also cause you to bond prematurely with someone you're not sure about, get pregnant with someone you're not ready to commit to, or contract a sexually transmitted disease. Remember to stay confident, wait until you're ready, not expose yourself to intimate situations before you've made the decision to get intimate, and use protection. Remember, even when screening, you may end up having sex with someone that later hurts you. This is an unfortunate situation, but you do have to expect respect, keep pursuing your passions, get support from your friends, and move on with your life, allowing time to heal the wounds. Do not punish future men with the mistakes of one man.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without a disagreement now and then.However, a lot of promising research that has emerged from the institutions is giving our society a better idea of what behavior leads to healthy marriages. Surprisingly, the number of arguments a couple has is not the issue at hand. In fact, it was found that all couples have some unresolved issues, but successful couples are comfortably able to live with these issues.

Suppressing emotions and pretending there is no problem causes some of the highest rates of divorce. Contempt, eye rolling, discounting the other person's opinion, and showing disrespect are also extremely predictive of marriage failure. Men are especially sensitive to criticism, and criticism and harshness towards men is a high predictor of divorce. Living together has been show to have no relationship to eventual marital success (and may even have a negative effect).

"Flooding" a man with emotions is a high predictor of divorce. Talk to friends first, organize your thoughts, and focus on simply expressing your feelings instead of judgments. Instead of "You always..." say, "I felt sad or hurt or angry..."

Couples who end up being successful, while in love, are not the couples who get married while still "starry-eyed". In fact, those couple are more likely to divorce. The strongest couples have settled down from the initial hormone rush to a more stable love before marriage. However, loss of love and affection is a more important determinant of divorce than conflict. According to one article covering Gottman's work, "Those who remained happily married were very "in love" and affectionate as newlyweds. They showed less ambivalence, expressed negative feelings less often and viewed their mate more positively than other couples. Most important, these feelings remained stable over time." From "WILL YOUR MARRIAGE LAST? A NEW QUIZ REVEALS THAT THE NEWLYWED YEARS CAN PREDICT THE LONG-TERM OUTCOME OF ALMOST EVERY MARRIAGE" By Aviva Patz, Psychology Today. April 23, 2000.

Honesty, intimacy, and realism are important, and "whirlwind romances" rarely make it. Teenage marriages have 2-3 times the likelihood of divorce and waiting until age 22 to marry significantly decreases chance of divorce (however, waiting too long also has a negative influence on divorce rates and may signal overly picky behavior). The highest success is found between the ages of 23 to 27 (University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn. National Fatherhood Initiative).

Premarital classes cut divorce rates by about a third. Similarity in values, backgrounds, and goals are a good predictor of success. College education is also a very strong predictor. Among educated people who wait until after college to marry, divorce rates are well below the national average of about 50%.One important aspect that has emerged from the Gottman Institute is the importance of refusing to engage in overly emotional disagreements. When involved in arguments with a man, it is essential for you to maintain personal dignity. You should be more calm when arguing that you even are normally. While this is not quite fair, someone must be proactive and mature. Reasoning with a partner will only cause emotional withdrawal, which is, again, a high predictor for divorce. Over time, rising above and refusing to engage in volatile arguments will teach your partner to hold himself to a higher standard. At the very least, he will certainly respect you for not allowing him to disrespect you. If a fight begins to emerge, simply state, "I care about you and your opinion, but I will not have an emotionally charged argument with you. I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and come back (tonight, tomorrow, etc) to discuss this." This allows you to reassure him but still not allow yourself to be subjected to disrespect.

Another important factor, in research from Shelly Gable, shows that reactions to events in the partners life are highly predictive of success as well. In fact, Gable went as far as to say that the only "correct" reaction was an enthusiastic one praising the partner for positive developments, but added that an occasional passive reaction would not cause divorce.

With the benefit of research, we now have a more realistic view of how marriage works. Emotional maturity, including resisting the urge to attack a man or flood him with emotion, are high predictors of success. Working constructively to address and resolve conflict instead of avoiding it, valuing your partner's opinions and emotions, and accepting irreconcilable differences are also strong indicators for success. Waiting until after college and a realistic image of your partner are also very important. With this realistic, research-based view of marriage, you have stronger tools to build a trusting base for your relationship.