How to love

How to Love

Love is a strange thing. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world, or it can really hurt, but in the end love is something most, if not all of us, will face. While there are many different ways to define love and there are many different ways to love someone (even yourself), here is a general guide to loving.

1. Say it. When you say the words "I Love You," do they carry it with them the desire to show someone you love them or do they carry it with them is it what you want to feel? And when you say it make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.

2. Empathize. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, try to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are; and realize how they could also love you back just as well.

3. Love unconditionally.
If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.

4. Expect nothing in return.
That doesn't mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for loving's sake. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you; do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.

5. Realize it can be lost.
If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have. Think how lucky you are to have someone to love.


* It does not make you a bad person to desire someone else's love, even if they do not love you. However, to truly love someone, you must let them be free. It is selfish to blame them for your feelings.
* There are many types of love, for example: a mother-son love is different from a best friend's love, which is different from a romantic love. Don't be ashamed to tell anyone that you love your friends as much as you love anyone else in your life.
* You have to find someone that will suit you, someone you feel comfortable with - not just someone to make love to.
* As a word, love can be found worldwide and is often used to describe compassion and/or emotional attachment. Accepting those you love for who they are is part of love. You also need to learn to accept yourself before you can accept another. If you cannot love your self, how are you to love another?
* Love genuinely. Do not compare your feelings now to what your feelings were when you were with another mate. At times, we can experience rejection.
* Realize that love is a feeling and attempt to assist, but ultimately, you are the one who must take action in order to discover love.
* Do things that make the other person feel good, but do not smoother them with gifts and attention.
* Consider some tips about what people in love do.
o People in love are sensitive to each other's needs, and endeavor to meet them even when they do not feel like doing it.
o Men and women may be equal in value but different by nature.

People who truly are in love give their mates "space" to develop their potential and find their fulfillment in life.

Sometimes love is all we need
o Love does not brag. People who are truly in love refrain from rehearsing their good traits just to show off. Bragging in a relationship often is really defensiveness.
o People who are truly in love do not insist that their way is best and demand that their mates give in to them.
o People who are truly in love are considerate of each others feelings and courteous in their actions toward one another. Sadly sarcasm is a way of life for some couples. They ridicule each other, belittle each other and trade jibes with a fury. They may say it is all in fun, but it leaves wounds that will someday become festering sores.
o People who are truly in love look out for their mates' best interests as much as their own. Those in love should be concerned not only about their own individual interests, but about the interests of the other as well.
o People who truly love control their anger when the other displeases them. We are all human, and all humans feel anger periodically, but we only express our anger in destructive ways when we counting on someone else to meet our needs.
o People who truly love each other do not take pleasure in their mates' disappointments or failures.
o People who truly love each other treat their mates with absolute trust. Some husbands and wives torment themselves with groundless suspicions. If you look for trouble you will find it every time.
o People who truly love look forward to their relationship growing more meaningful and precious. They have hope. Which is an attitude that happily anticipates the good. It isn't being blind and denies there are problems, but it does look beyond the problems. People who truly love each other do not allow their problems to rob them of their happiness.
* Remember there is no failure in love, because once you tell somebody who you love, that you love him/her, then you have already succeeded in love.

* You must love yourself before you can love another.
* There is always the risk of getting hurt, but that's part of letting yourself fully love and trust some one. Being hurt could be long-lasting and could hurt more than anything in the world.
* Realize what you have while you have it, and care for the person you trust.
* If something comes to an end, try to let go rather than holding on; it's for the best.
* The idea of love is fueled by childhood fantasies. The love shown in movies, as obtainable as it may be, is rare to say the least.
* You just may find your soul-mate sooner than you want to.
* If you feel any doubt of love your partner has for you, it is probably true. when you give and receive love 100%, you will have no doubt in your heart.
* Don't ask for love - you should receive love because your partner wants to give you love - not because you want it from your partner.
* Do not force love - it will come in good time, it will come.

Believe. God will give you in best time. Learn to love your self and learn to love other in right way. Soon, you'll find your soulmate.

Love Stories

A girl and a boy were on a motorcycle, speeding through the night. They loved each other a lot.....
Girl:"slow down a little.. I'm scared.."
Boy: "No, it's so fun.."
Girl: "please..it's so scary.."
Boy: "Then say that you love me.."
Girl: "Fine..I love you..can you slow down now?"
Boy: "Give me a big hug.."

The girl gave him a big hug.

Girl: "Now can you slow down?"
Boy: "Can you take off my helmet and put it on? It's uncomfortable and it's bothering me while i ride."

The next day, there was a story in the newspaper. A motorcycle had crashed into a building because its brakes were broken.
There were two people on the motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had survived...The guy knew that the brakes were broken. He didn't want to let the girl know, because he knew that the girl would have gotten scared.
Instead, he was told the last time that she loved him,got a hug from her,put his helmet on her so that she can live, and die himself...

Once in a while, Right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale...

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well"


*************************** Story 2 ***************************

Nurse: "It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, presented to have sutures (stitches) removed from his thumb.

He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I (nurse) took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour befor e someone would to able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam it was well healed,so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. Asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning somewhere else,as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease.

As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him. "And you are still going every morning,even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you always know they're there


*************************** STORY 3 ***************************

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she's settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. 'How could this have happened to me?' she would plead, her heart knotted with anger.
But no matter how much she cried or ranted or prayed, she knew the painful truth, her sight was never going to return.
A cloud of depression hung over Susan's once optimistic spirit. All she had to cling to was her husband Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength she needed to become independent again.

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. At first, this comforted Susan and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task. Soon, however Mark realized that this arrangement wasn't working - it was hectic, and costly.

Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But just the thought of mentioning it to her made him cringe.
She was still so fragile, so angry. How would she react?

Just as Mark predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again. "I'm blind!" she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I'm going? I feel like you're abandoning me."

Mark's heart broke but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each day he would ride the bus with her until she got the hang of it.

And that is exactly what happened. For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day. He taught her how to rely on her other senses to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat. Each morning they made the journey together, and Mark would take a cab back to his office.

Although this routine was even more costly and exhausting than the previous one, Mark knew it was only a matter of time before Susan would be able to ride the bus on her own. Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus riding companion, her
husband, and her best friend. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, his love.

She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways.

Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday, Thursday.... Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better.

On Friday mor ning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying for her fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure envy you."

Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? "Why do you envy me?"

The driver responded, "It must feel so good to be taken care of and protected like you are." Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, "What do you mean?" The driver said, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you when you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches you until you enter your office building. Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady."

Tears of happiness poured down Susan's cheeks. For although she couldn't see him, she had always felt Mark's presence. She was blessed, so blessed, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn't need to see to believe - the gift of love that can bring light where there had been darkness.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her..."

So if you love someone be faithful to that person.


*************************** STORY 4 ***************************

From the very beginning, girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy, saying that it has got to do with family background, & that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrelled very often. Though the girl loved the guy deeply, she always asked him: "How deep is your love for me?"

As the guy is not good with his words, this often caused the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vents her anger on him. As for him, he only endured it in silence.

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl:

"I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?" The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in &
agreed to let them get married. So before he left, they got engaged.

The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas,continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls.
Though it was hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. when she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed.. She realized that she was badly injured.

Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could
come out of her mouth was just a sigh. she had lost her voice....

The doctor says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out fromher, she broke down. During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,..it's still just silence cry that accompanied her.

Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the
phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.

With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying.... The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.

With a new environment, the girl learns sign language & started a new life. Te lling herself everyday that she must forget the guy.
One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let
him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.
A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing ainvitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead. When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her.

He used sign language to tell her "I've spent a year to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You." With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.

Treat every relationship as if it's the last one, then you'll know how to Give. Treat every moment as is it's the last day, then you'll know how to treasure.

Treasure what you have right now, or else you will regret one day...
-----from : Ontanggabe Parulian --thanks buddy

Get the Right Man - 7 (End)

Well, there you have it. The keys to success in a relationship. How to find the man of your dreams. Remember - it's about self-
respect,
self-improvement,
trusting yourself,
choosing the right partner and respecting your partner.

With these tools and a strong resolve, you'll have no trouble finding a wonderful man who will treat you well!

Tips

- Ask him what he wants out of life.
- How does he plan on accomplishing those goals?
- What is he doing to accomplish those goals?
- Do his goals fit in with your goals?
- Read the book "Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus" together.
The name sounds lame, but it is a very enlightening book.
- Use every opportunity you get to learn more about him.
- Resources: Internet authors: Christian Carter; Rori Raye; Carol Allen.
- Resources: Books: "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov.

Warnings

- If he doesn't want to talk to you about his future, he probably doesn't want to spend it with you.
- If he doesn't want to spend time improving your relationship, he probably doesn't care about it.
- "Birds of a feather flock together" If his friends are the wrong kind of people, he may well be too.
- If you are after the right man, don't play too many games with him. A man who catches on that a woman is using him to satisfy her own ego will more than likely turn a potential romantic relationship into a disaster.
If you are into the man, be 100% clear about who you are and what you want, but be natural and don't push for a relationship too soon.
- Even if you follow all the steps and imbibe all the tips, you may not feel that you have got the right man! This is because, neither you nor the man are unchangeable! The life itslef changes and sometimes changes beyond imagination.
--wikihow, modified by flame in some parts

Get the Right Man - 5

When it comes to sexual behavior within a relationship, often women do get involved before they are truly ready. Men tend to respect women who wait until they are ready, because men tend to suspect that women who don't wait are either not respecting their own desire to wait or suspect that they are the type who might cheat on him. As it concerns serious relationships, the period before sex occurs is the courting period for men. Many men also enjoy a woman who allows them the opportunity to court her.
One thing, please do sex after marriage, its the best way for healthy relationship. You will know, wheter you love him or her with a pure heart or not.
The period of dating before sex can be a very fun time to get to know your partner. This period is pressure-free for both parties, as no commitment has been made. For that reason, it can be beneficial to allow yourself to just sit back and date, having no expectations of a relationship or sex until you feel that you really know the personality of the person you are dating. This can help you to leave a relationship you don't think will turn out well without being too emotionally involved to have a clear head about it.
Every couple is different. Some people spend a day together and feel that they have known each other for their whole lives. Some people warm to each other gradually. In general, relaxing, having fun, really getting a strong grip of the other person, and just dating before sex can help to reduce both the man's fear of committing to a relationship before he is ready, establish your own insistence on being respected, and allow either party to back out if they realize after a few weeks that the relationship will not work.

While each person will find their own time when they feel comfortable initiating sex, there are some hints which may help the decision to be made. Some of the best advice that can be given is based on experience of others who have been though the situation and either are happy with their decision or can point to reasons why they regretted it. These are, of course, simply opinions, and only you can make your final decision. One of the largest obstacles in the decision is the fact that sex can have the effect of bonding two people emotionally in a way that makes it more difficult to separate based on logic after sex has occurred.
Thats why we should do sex only after marriage.

First, the decision should be made when you feel completely comfortable in every way, trusting the man, and not having any unresolved doubts about him. It should be made before the night you anticipate initiating sex, not "on the spot". You should feel that you really know and understand him, beyond how he acts when he is on "good behavior" - in other words, that he is unreserved and you "connect" with him. Your decision should not be effected by his desires for sex. While the early months of a relationship can be extremely emotionally exciting due to a large number of hormonal factors, it is important not to ignore doubts you may have about the man and how he treats you. Are you with this person because of him, or are you thinking, "Well, it would be hard to find someone else?" If you dating this person while specifically looking for a husband, think about whether you would actually be friends with this person and respect them if you no longer had such intense emotions towards them. Make sure you are not tempted to get engaged with sex just because you are looking for affection from him.

In general, it is important to remember that chemistry and emotions can cloud judgment at times. Therefore waiting (depending on how well you get to know him and how often you see him) for a marriage will have the benefits of not only allowing you to objectively evaluate your true thoughts on the man, but also to show him that you respect yourself and do not fall for "lines" or pressure. This is an excellent precedent to establish early in a relationship. However, if you feel you need to wait longer, do wait longer, or perhaps end the relationship if you still have doubts after 6 months or so (however, the younger you are, the longer you should wait. No longer how sure both of you are about marriage and a future, it is always intelligent to wait until you are 18, as people do change quite a bit from year to year at that age). Waiting for this length of time does have the added benefit of getting rid of men who are only interested in sex.

(Side note: While this may seem conservative, the writers have learned some of the following advice the hard way.) Until you have made the decision to marriage, out of respect for him and his emotions, it is smart to politely stay out of his house and keep him out of yours, saying goodbye at the door, and not listening when he asks to "cuddle". It is important to be nice and friendly about it, but firm. If you are waiting to have sex, it is only fair to avoid teasing him by resisting the temptation to: remove clothing; invite him to stay overnight; sleep with him; touch him in a sexual way; make overt suggestions about sex; or see him in private. Once you have made the decision to have sex with him, any and all of these things are fair game and will be interpreted as a "go" sign by him.

Sexual activity can be fun, bonding, and fulfilling. It can also cause you to bond prematurely with someone you're not sure about, get pregnant with someone you're not ready to commit to, or contract a sexually transmitted disease. Remember to stay confident, wait until you're ready, not expose yourself to intimate situations before you've made the decision to get intimate, and use protection. Remember, even when screening, you may end up having sex with someone that later hurts you. This is an unfortunate situation, but you do have to expect respect, keep pursuing your passions, get support from your friends, and move on with your life, allowing time to heal the wounds. Do not punish future men with the mistakes of one man.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without a disagreement now and then.However, a lot of promising research that has emerged from the institutions is giving our society a better idea of what behavior leads to healthy marriages. Surprisingly, the number of arguments a couple has is not the issue at hand. In fact, it was found that all couples have some unresolved issues, but successful couples are comfortably able to live with these issues.

Suppressing emotions and pretending there is no problem causes some of the highest rates of divorce. Contempt, eye rolling, discounting the other person's opinion, and showing disrespect are also extremely predictive of marriage failure. Men are especially sensitive to criticism, and criticism and harshness towards men is a high predictor of divorce. Living together has been show to have no relationship to eventual marital success (and may even have a negative effect).

"Flooding" a man with emotions is a high predictor of divorce. Talk to friends first, organize your thoughts, and focus on simply expressing your feelings instead of judgments. Instead of "You always..." say, "I felt sad or hurt or angry..."

Couples who end up being successful, while in love, are not the couples who get married while still "starry-eyed". In fact, those couple are more likely to divorce. The strongest couples have settled down from the initial hormone rush to a more stable love before marriage. However, loss of love and affection is a more important determinant of divorce than conflict. According to one article covering Gottman's work, "Those who remained happily married were very "in love" and affectionate as newlyweds. They showed less ambivalence, expressed negative feelings less often and viewed their mate more positively than other couples. Most important, these feelings remained stable over time." From "WILL YOUR MARRIAGE LAST? A NEW QUIZ REVEALS THAT THE NEWLYWED YEARS CAN PREDICT THE LONG-TERM OUTCOME OF ALMOST EVERY MARRIAGE" By Aviva Patz, Psychology Today. April 23, 2000.

Honesty, intimacy, and realism are important, and "whirlwind romances" rarely make it. Teenage marriages have 2-3 times the likelihood of divorce and waiting until age 22 to marry significantly decreases chance of divorce (however, waiting too long also has a negative influence on divorce rates and may signal overly picky behavior). The highest success is found between the ages of 23 to 27 (University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn. National Fatherhood Initiative).

Premarital classes cut divorce rates by about a third. Similarity in values, backgrounds, and goals are a good predictor of success. College education is also a very strong predictor. Among educated people who wait until after college to marry, divorce rates are well below the national average of about 50%.One important aspect that has emerged from the Gottman Institute is the importance of refusing to engage in overly emotional disagreements. When involved in arguments with a man, it is essential for you to maintain personal dignity. You should be more calm when arguing that you even are normally. While this is not quite fair, someone must be proactive and mature. Reasoning with a partner will only cause emotional withdrawal, which is, again, a high predictor for divorce. Over time, rising above and refusing to engage in volatile arguments will teach your partner to hold himself to a higher standard. At the very least, he will certainly respect you for not allowing him to disrespect you. If a fight begins to emerge, simply state, "I care about you and your opinion, but I will not have an emotionally charged argument with you. I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and come back (tonight, tomorrow, etc) to discuss this." This allows you to reassure him but still not allow yourself to be subjected to disrespect.

Another important factor, in research from Shelly Gable, shows that reactions to events in the partners life are highly predictive of success as well. In fact, Gable went as far as to say that the only "correct" reaction was an enthusiastic one praising the partner for positive developments, but added that an occasional passive reaction would not cause divorce.

With the benefit of research, we now have a more realistic view of how marriage works. Emotional maturity, including resisting the urge to attack a man or flood him with emotion, are high predictors of success. Working constructively to address and resolve conflict instead of avoiding it, valuing your partner's opinions and emotions, and accepting irreconcilable differences are also strong indicators for success. Waiting until after college and a realistic image of your partner are also very important. With this realistic, research-based view of marriage, you have stronger tools to build a trusting base for your relationship.

Is it Love, Infatuation, or Lust ??

While there's no clear, fool-proof way to decipher your feelings for someone, there are certain ways to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation clearer for yourself.

Steps

1. 

   Could it be love?
   Write down everything that you associate with the person you're feeling strongly about. Example words on your brainstorm list could include love, butterflies, sex, holding hands, annoying snoring, gorgeous, etc.
2. Circle each attribute with a different color such as red for lust, yellow for infatuation, and green for love.
3. See which of the three feelings dominates the page. If one doesn't stand out (like if the distribution seems pretty equal), move on to the following steps for more insight.
4. Or is it lust?
   Read literature on the topic. Questions aboutare timeless questions that have consumed mankind throughout the ages and are a major theme in many scriptures, tales from mythology, and literature. Read the story of David and Bathsheba from the Old Testament, 1st Corinthians from the New Testament, the story of Ali and Fatima, Echo and Narcissus, or Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
5. Ask your friends or, if you find it easier, ask a complete and utter stranger, so that you get an honest opinion and an outsider's point of view. Tell that person how you feel, and ask them if it sounds primarily like love, infatuation, or lust.
6. Watch a movie that relates to your situation like "Cruel Intentions" (which is about lust, and wanting what you can't have), "Down to You" (which is about love and leaving it all down to the other person), "How to lose guys in 10 days" (which is about none of them really but it's about making a mistake and putting it right), "The Notebook," which tells a tale of life-long love and commitment, "The Phantom of the Opera" (which is about both lust and infatuation) and definitely, "Titanic" (which is about holding on to someone forever until you die - that is love - bittersweet love), also, perhaps, "The Fly" (which is about a woman who falls in love with a man who turns into a fly and then goes insane, and yet remains deeply emotionally attached through this agonizing life change - which is love) or High Fidelity (which is about learning what love really is). Yet understand, that movies are fiction that depict idealized rather than realistic love.

Tips

• Keep in mind that in most relationships, you're feeling all three (love, infatuation, and lust) all at once, to some degree.
• To help you make tough decisions about your relationship, ask someone you trust who has lots of experience with the kind of relationship you want for yourself. For example: Say you want to be happily married to one person for life. If your parents have both been bitterly divorced three times, then they are probably not the ones to talk to. On the other hand, if they are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary of bliss together, then they may be ideal to learn from.

• Lasting relationships are those that are built on love

  - not infatuation or lust. Imagine the person you love in 50 years when they are old and fat. Would that change how you feel about them? If yes, then what you feel now is most likely lust/infatuation - not love.
• Friendship should also weigh into your decision to commit. In 50 years, if you don't genuinely LIKE your mate, you're going to be miserable.
• Remember that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity or fear of being alone. Are you in love with being in relationships?
• A major life-changing decision like moving in together, getting engaged or getting married should be a natural step if you love someone. It should not inspire fear.
• Take advantage of the post coital "moment of clarity" to examine your feelings. This is not usually the moment directly after orgasm (where most people are happy with the universe), but 5 or 10 minutes later, when your breathing and heart rate are normal. At this point, does the sex still make you feel closer to that person? Or are you beginning to feel regret and anxiety about what happened? If the latter, then it's most definitely not love but lust.
• Give it some time. Love takes root slowly and grows with time. Infatuation grows into full bloom almost immediately.
• Keep in mind that "True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be."
  
• What comes to mind when you think about this person. If you are not dating the person, think if you are eager to spend time with them or you just want to watch them from a distance. If you are in a relationship with the person, What do you want most out of the relationship. If you just want to consummate love to the person it is usually lust. True love is when you could love a person without ever "dropping your drawers" so to speak.

Warnings

• If you're not sure about your feelings or your relationship, take things slowly. Spend time apart and see how you are feeling while you are away. Do you miss the person? Or are you more attracted to others when you are apart?
• You may also want to consider the fact that it's not always as easy as being one of these three things; often there are a lot of grey areas, the distinctions are blurred, and it is very possible to feel two or even all of these feelings for a person.

So guys, in all things, keep praying. Because He knows the best for us.

How to Be a Great Wife

How to Be a Great Wife

You want to be a wonderful wife, but what does that mean? Ultimately, it's up to your and your husband to determine the needs of your relationship and how each partner can do their part to fulfill them, but here are some guidelines to start off with.

Steps

1. Be secure in yourself.
Putting yourself down in front of him is another way of insulting his taste in women. If he is with you, it's because he wants to be.
He will find you sexy even if you don't feel like it, if you act the part. Remember that attitude and willingness are large parts of being sexy.
Poor self-esteem and a "void" in your life is terrible for marriage. Make sure you still have a fun and interesting life. If your husband left tomorrow, would you still have girlfriends you see at least once a month, hobby clubs you go to, sports you play? If not, your husband will always be working to fill a void he can't, and will feel inadequate and unhappy.

2. Express, don't accuse.
Except in the rare event that your husband happens to be psychic, don't expect mind-reading powers. If you want something, ask. If something is wrong, say so. Don't drop hints or figure he'll "come around". Communicate calmly, clearly and directly. Relationships work best when women calmly express their current emotion without harping on what he has done. Frequently, a "I feel attacked" or "I feel sad" is all it takes for him to step back and ask, "Why?" Then simply say, "When you slammed the door, I felt ignored." Let "I feel" be your guide.

3. Don't expect the moon.
He needs to keep trying, you need to keep trying, but neither of you is perfect. Unmet expectations tend to frustrate everyone.
However, if you both keep working on your marriage, you will always be covered, even when one of you comes up a little short. If your expectations are truly too high or unrealistic, then set standards that are obtainable. For example, it is unfair to expect to be lavished with possessions and have the love of your life home for every meal. Should you want more together time, be prepared to have that desire fulfilled at some expense.

4. Pick your battles.
Nagging and nitpicking can damage a relationship. As long as the dishes are clean and unbroken, for instance, don't nag about how to load the dishwasher "the right way". Let him do things his own way. Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on what is important.

5. Keep your sex life interesting.
Be willing to try new things and discuss them--don't just turn them down immediately if he suggests something you don't find appealing. This may make him feel rejected. At least be willing to discuss it, and perhaps try it, but never do anything you are uncomfortable with after discussing it with him. Also, don't be afraid to discuss anything you might be interested in. Physical intimacy is as important to a marriage as emotional intimacy. Nurture them both.

6. Accept him.
Only by accepting him as he is, do you have such deep respect and gratitude for him that you would never want him to change in any way for you. He has so much to offer you if only you give him the space to be himself. He is a growing individual, just like you are. Help him grow in the direction that he chooses, and give him the chance to help you.

Tips
* Don't criticize your husband, not in his presence, not in his absence, not when you're in front of people, and not when you're alone together. Be supportive, encouraging, and compliment him as much as you can. This doesn't mean you shouldn't voice your concerns, but there's a difference between expressing your needs and criticizing his ability to meet them.


Warnings

* If you're forced to do things, if he hits you at all, if he tries to control who you see or demeans you, it's definitely not a good relationship. A real man gets what he wants without forcing. Talk things out or see a counsellor. If he turns violent, even once, make sure you're safe. Depending on the situation that might mean moving out, or calling the police, or telling someone what's happening - whatever you do, don't continue to suffer in silence, and don't accept abuse (physical or otherwise) in your relationship. Remember - he will come back, as loving as ever, and apologize again and again and again - and the violence escalates each time. Read How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship.

from WikiHow

Forgiveness in your marriage or relationship

Forgiveness and Letting Go in Your Marriage or Relationship

Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for a marriage relationship.

Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep yourself healthy both emotionally and physically.


Health Aspects of Forgiving
If you hold on to old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing a perceived hurt can eventually make it in to something more - hate and extreme bitterness.
Lack of forgiveness can wear you down.
Additionally, being unforgiving is not good for either our physical and mental well being.

How to Forgive
* Be open.

* Make a decision to forgive your spouse.

* When images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind, think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts.

* Don't throw an error or mistake back in your spouse's face at a later date. Don't use it as ammunition in an argument.

* Don't seek revenge or retribution. It will only extend the pain.

* Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression.

* Remember that forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the hurtful behavior.

* Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your spouse takes time. Don't try to hurry the process.

* If you continue to be unable to forgive, or you find yourself dwelling on the betrayal or hurt, please seek professional counseling to help you let go and forgive. Don't forget to praying for your marriage from your first time.

How to Ask for Forgiveness
* Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you've caused.
* Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your spouse again by repeating the hurtful behavior.
* Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt.
* Be open to making amends.
* Be patient with your spouse. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don't dismiss your spouse's feelings of betrayal by telling your spouse to "get over it."

Marriage Relationships Need Forgiveness

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has grumpy days. Many people say things they do not mean now and then.
Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven.

No relationship, especially a marriage relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness.

Even though you may find it find it difficult to forgive, being able to forgive is crucial in marriage.

Knowing When Enough is Enough (in relationship) If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to say enough is enough and to end your relationship. In these situations, forgiveness for the past hurts may take longer and that is okay.

Knowing When Enough is Enough (in marriage) If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to ask help from consultant or your spiritual leader.Don't forget to pray. By His grace, you will have more understanding about your self and your spouse, and how to make solution next time.

From Sheri & Bob Stritof, with additions in some parts.

How to say "i love you"

Just want to help you How to Say I Love You

Although many people use this powerful phrase loosely, there are times when you want to say "I love you" in a meaningful way. Whether you're professing your love to a romantic partner or expressing it to a relative or friend, it can be difficult to convey how much they really mean to you. Love reflects the intensity of how you feel. But by keeping the following suggestions in mind, hopefully your love will not only be understood, but it will also be welcomed and returned.

STOP BEING A WIMP

1. Define love
The sincerity of the phrase is strengthened by knowing what love is, and what loving someone means to you.

Determine the difference between love, infatuation and lust, and make sure it's genuine love that you feel for this person.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. For every christian, those words may seem so familiar. But, what are we're talking is, do you act like that?

2. Make it special.
For many people, dropping the "I" allows the sentiment to be expressed casually, such as before separating (e.g. "Time to go. Bye! Love you!"). Using the full phrase, however, can be reserved for more intimate moments, especially during a special event, such as when a child is just born, or even to reassure someone when bad news has been received or during moments of cherished silence, like after a kiss.

3. Make eye contact.
If you love this person, hopefully you feel comfortable enough to gaze into their eyes when you express your feelings. Making eye contact shows sincerity and communicates trust.

4. Say it at an appropriate tone.
If you're at home and there's not much background noise, keep your volume low; don't whisper unless you bring your lips to their ear, which can also be a very intimate way to express your love. If you want to tell them how you feel in public, it's up to you whether you want to pull the person aside, or say it in front of friends or even strangers. It depends on your loved one's personality, and your own personality. Some will find it terribly romantic to be told they're loved across a room full of people; others may find it mortifying.

5. Smile.
It can be nerve-wracking to tell someone that you love him or her, only to wait anxiously for their response--especially if it's the first time either of you have verbally expressed love. The best way to overcome this fear is to not expect the phrase in return. Your intention can be to tell the person how you feel, with the hope of making them happy and showing them that they are valued. Remember that unconditional love means not demanding anything in return. So smile, and perhaps give your loved one a hug. If they love you, too, they'll say it in their own way and in their own time.

6.Be creative.
Say it in different languages. Write it into a poem or even a haiku. If you want to be romantic, spell it out with rose petals on his or her bedroom floor. Write it in code, like 1337 or using a Vigènere cipher. Say it in little ways, like post-it notes in unexpected places, and express it in every way you can.

7. Love.
Don't just say it, do it. Love is not just a feeling; it's an action.

Saying it without showing it is, in a way, a lie. Express your love in action as well as in words.

Children can show love for their parents by cleaning up their room without being asked. A person can send flowers to their partner in the middle of the week for no particular reason other than to show love. Acts of kindness for the one you love, without being asked, speak louder than words. Do things for your loved ones that they are not willing, likely or able to do for themselves.


Tips
* Holding someone's hand as you tell them you love them can also communicate sincerity and trust, but it can also convey a sense of subterfuge, which at a glance may suffice but will quickly be sniffed out by someone with a careful eye for lies; ergo, do not hold hands if you don't mean it.
* Love does not keep score. When you love someone, do not expect anything in return. There's a difference between love and bartering... "I will do this for you if you will do that for me." But always remember if you are asking something of your partner be willing to do it yourself. Don't always expect that he/she understands what you need, be open and willing to express yourself.
* Love is expressed differently by everyone. Be understanding and look for your partner's ways of expressing it to you; they may not be the same as you do or what you want them to do, but in turn you may not be doing the things the want and they should look for your way.


Warnings
* If love is unrequited, you need to be understanding and be caring towards the feelings of the object of your desire. At least they now know how you feel. It is not good to bottle up your feelings.
* Saying "I love you" in the heat of passion for the first time might not be a good idea, as the person may question the sincerity of your pledge. Follow them up with actions of kindness.
* The words "I love you" can lose their meaning in a relationship if used excessively and loosely, and if not paired with action.
* If you truly love that person then don't hurt her/him in any way whatsoever as it gives a negative impression that you are forcing them to love you.
* It is important to pay attention to the things on this list that enhance the phrase. Our language today is peppered with "love," "hate," etc. when describing things that aren't really deserving. This leads to the word "love" itself meaning less than it should. Remember, you are using simple, over-used words to communicate a very powerful emotion. It is important that other techniques are used to enhance this phrase, or else it merely comes across as trite.

-from wiki, with addition in some parts.

Falling in love and ego

Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that 'falling in love' is love or at least one of the manifestations of love.
It is a potent misconception because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love. When a person falls in love what he or she certainly feels is "I love him" or "I love her."
But two problems are immediately apparent.

The first is that the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-lined erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children though we may love them very deeply. We do not fall in love with our friends of the same sex - unless we are homosexual oriented - even though we may care for them greatly. We fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.Do you agree or not?

The second problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes.

"To understand the nature of the phenomenon of falling in love and the inevitability of its ending, it is nescessary to examine the nature of what psychiatrists call ego boundaries." At infantry, we can't seem to separate the universe from ourselves, there was no identity as to what we are and what we are not, what are mine and what is not. We came to accept our size, physical limits, and power. The knowledge to this limit is call "ego boundary". As we grow up to young adult, we find that we are separate individuals, isolated from others, confined by physical limits and power, relatively small and weak function of the society. Our ego boundaries are harden, our world became colder, more confusing and hostile. It is very lonely and sometime painful to be confine within one's boundary. We seek to escape the wall of individual identities so that we feel more unified with the world out side of ourselves.

" The experience of falling in love allows us this escape- temporarily. The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individual's ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with that of another person. The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved, and the dramatic surcease of loneliness accompanying this collapse of ego boundary is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! Loneliness no more!"
This experience of merging with someone reflects the feeling we had when we were with our mom at infantry. Being united with the 'loved' one made us feel like the world once again revolves around us.
The power that we had to give up when we were kids is back to us again, we are now powerful, the future is bright, and nothing is impossible anymore. Superhero days are back to us once again.

"The unreality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same as the unreality of the 2 year old who feels itself to be the king of the family and the world with power unlimited."

Reality bites. Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. He wants to have sex; she doesn't. She wants to go to the movies; he doesn't.. etc. Each person realized that they are no longer "one" with the partner and that the other has their own wishes and desires. Eventually the ego boundary get set back in their own place, gradually or suddenly, we fall out of love. We are back to separate individual. From here, they either break up the relationship or begin the "real" work of "loving".

"Falling in love is not an extension of one's limits or boundaries; it is a partial and temporary collapse of them. The extension of one's limit requires effort; falling in love is effortless. Lazy and undisciplined individuals are as likely to fall in love as energetic and dedicated ones. Once the precious moment of falling in love has passed and the boundaries have snapped back into place, the individual may be disillusioned, but is usually none the larger for the experience. When limits are extended or stretched, however, they tend to stay stretched. Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not."

Falling in love has little to do with purposively nurturing one's spiritual development. If we have any purpose in mind when we fall in love it is to terminate our own loneliness and perhaps insure this result through marriage. Certainly we are not thinking of spiritual development. Indeed, after we have fallen in love and before we have fallen out of love again we feel that we have arrived, that the heights have been attained, that there is both no need and no possibility of going higher. We do not feel ourselves to be in any need of development; we are totally content to be where we are. Our spirit is at peace. Nor do we perceive our beloved as being in need of spiritual development. To the contrary, we perceive him or her as perfect, as having been perfected. If we see any faults in our beloved, we perceive them as insignificant -little quirks or darling eccentricities that only add color and charm.

So what is real love if falling in love is merely a temporary and partial collapse of ego boundaries?

" The experience of real love also has to do with ego boundaries, since it involves an extension of one's limit. One's limits are one's ego boundaries. When we extend our limits through love, we do so by reaching out, so to speak, toward the beloved, whose growth we wish to nurture."

"The act of many years of loving, of extending our limits is a progressive act of enlargement of self, incorporating the world around us, a stretching and a thinning of our ego boundaries. In this way the more and longer we extend ourselves, the more we love, the more blurred becomes the distinction between the self and the world. We become identified with the world. And as our ego boundaries thinned, we begin more and more toe the same sort of feeling of ecstasy that we have when our ego boundaries partially collapse and we 'fall in love.' Only, instead of having merged temporarily and unrealistically with a single beloved object we have merged realistically and more permanently with much of the world. This mystical union with the world, although is more gentle and less dramatic than falling in love, it is much more stable and lasting."

So what is love?

Love is perhaps too large/deep to be understand/describe by words, but in this context love is: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spritual growth."
The process of extending one self is an evolution process, where you grow as a human being. When a person is willing and sucessfully extending one's limit, even for other people's spritual growth, they themselves have grown to be a larger state of being. The process is never ending and very satisfying.

As we've heard, one can't love others unless one learns to love oneself first. We can't be a source of strength unless we established our own strength. So self-love and love for other has to exist together, not as a separate function.

This act of extending, which means going beyond one's limit, suggest that it requires effort.

"When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion - through the fact that som for that someone ( or for ourself) we take an extra step of walk an extramile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful."

Above quotes and extraction are from M. Scott Peck, M.D. from his book, "The road less travelled, A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spritual Growth". There's much more to this topic than I can put in this article, but I do realized how short the netter's attentionspan is, so.. go grab the book, it's a valuable mind asset to aquire.

I hope you find "real love", an eventual total collapse of one's ego boundaries. It isn't easy, to break down our ego boundaries. We must find ourselves and our identity before we can transcend it. You might find temporial escape from ego boundaries when you "fall in love", sexual intercourse, or use a cirtain psychoactive drugs, but that's just a small glimse of nirvana, not nirvana itself.

It takes commitment and effort in exercising real love to reach a lasting enlightenment. Only then, you'll not only find that you are no longer a separation of any other entity and that you are oneness with the universe, but the perception of discrete object, separated from one another is an illusion. Its like being back to infantry again. The world would be as much more peaceful and 'loving'.

written by M. Scott Peck, extracted and recomposed by Yunike Andreas.