Obsessive Girlfriend

Avoid Being an Obsessive Girlfriend
One of the most amazing traits in women is our ability to submerge ourselves into the man of our desire.
Women become attached emotionally, some very quickly, and assume that the man shares these same feelings and desires. However, this can be a sure fire way to push the "man of your dreams" out of your life.

1. Accept him. Only by accepting him as he is, do you have such deep respect and gratitude for him that you would never want him to change in any way for you. He has so much to offer you if only you give him the space to be himself.

2. Give him space. If he wants to hang out with friends, encourage it. Let him know that you want him to have a good time and to spend as much time with them as he'd like.
(Then follow step 4.) If you have to, fake it. There are times when you would really rather spend that time with your man than have him out with his friends, however forcing him to spend time with you results in his pulling further away. If you're able to encourage and support his time away it will reinforce his belief that you want what is best for him, and in the long run it will strengthen your relationship. Patience is the key here. One's got to believe that in the long run he will surely appreciate it.

3. Take time for yourself. Visit friends, family, take a class, anything you find interesting or would like to learn. Do this even if you have to tear yourself away from your man. He should be supportive of you, and encourage your interests, too. Focusing only on the one you love isn't living; it's also about personal growth and experiencing new things. Taking time for yourself isn't selfish. If you aren't the best person you can be, then you can't expect to be the person you need to be for your significant other.

4. Keep your hobbies and friends. All of us tend to become obsessive at the beginning of a relationship. The key to a healthy relationship is balance. Couples need time apart to reestablish their individual identities. Remind yourself of who you are by reconnecting with friends/relatives, or picking up those old hobbies you've been setting aside. Suggest that he do the same. This is a simple way to show him that you are confident and interesting (even if you don't feel very confident or interesting). Suggest to him that he go out with his friends while you visit with yours. Or even suggest he work on his hobby or interest while you take time for yours.

5. Set up days or times to reconnect after spending time apart. This is simple and very effective. After asking for time apart, set up a time and day to reconnect. For instance, if one of you wants to hang out with friends for the day, suggest that you could meet him later for dinner. Or suggest a time the following day, and an activity, in which the both of you could get together. This gives both people in the relationship permission to enjoy their time apart, while also giving each of you a grounding point, or rather a reassurance in knowing you will see the other person and they wish to see you.

6. Reaffirm who you are and why you are special. Do those things that you do best. If you're not sure, try everything. If you're feeling less than confident, or insecure in your relationship, sometimes it helps to go back to something that created a sense of accomplishment. Don't look for confidence from your partner, find it within yourself. To do this, seek out those things at which you can succeed.

7. Suggest he take time for his hobbies and interests. The key is to allow him to choose by assuring him you want to spend time with him, but letting him know you understand the importance of his hobbies and interests, too. Let him know that you can and will find activities to occupy yourself while he enjoys his time. This frees him from feeling guilty for taking that time for himself. You create a bonding situation by suggesting that the both of you go to stores that are of interest to him. For example, if he enjoys video games, suggest a trip to the video game store. Help him look for games he wants, or maybe is interested in. Then give him space to use those games.

8. Know when to back off. Learn his body language. Ask questions. Listen to what he is saying. Men don't always come out and say how they feel, and may not tell you even if you ask. Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. If you feel he is pulling away, don't force yourself on him more. A woman's tendency is to be clingier at this point. The problem is it drives men away. A possible solution involves letting him know you are available when he wants, while finding other things to do with your time, or discuss the situation with him.

Tips

* Hang up the phone. If you're calling him 24 hours a day, stop. In worst case scenarios, turn your phone off. It's okay to call and see how his day is, but if you're calling every couple of hours, this could reinforce his belief that you have nothing else going on in your life. People are attracted to interesting people. If your only interest is him, then he's going to lose interest in you. Some ideas to refrain from grabbing the phone are: Call a friend, take a nap, go for a walk and pick flowers for him, learn something new that you can discuss with him later, learn more about his hobbies/interests through research.

* Start a journal. Write your feelings, not what you did during the day. Try to discover why you feel a certain way. Insecurity often leads people to act in ways that men would describe as crazy. If you're worried about losing him, dig deep into why you feel that way. Not how is he acting, but why YOU are concerned about losing him. Fear of being alone? Fear of rejection? A journal is a place where you can explore your thoughts and feelings without having to set them in stone. It should be an area where you can express every possible emotion without fearing recrimination. Once on paper, re-examine it, does it still sound true to you? What can you do so that you won't fear rejection or loneliness, and can become more confident in who you are? Oh, and make sure he doesn't find it. It could turn into a sticky situation.

* Stop following him when you aren't together. Don't follow him when he says he's going to a friend's house so that you can check up on him. This is an instant message to him that you don't trust him. Men aren't stupid; they see your car parked down the street.

* Create situations that have an ending point. For instance, you want to hang out with him during the afternoon, ask him if he's interested and then suggest that after the outing he can drop you off at your house. This gives him the freedom to decide if he would like to spend the rest of the evening with you, instead of feeling as if he's trapped into spending it with you.

* Communication. Ask questions and then listen. Clarify anything you may not understand by asking questions.

* Quality time, not quantity time. Use the time you do have together wisely. Ask yourself if you'd rather have 8 hours of mediocre time with him, or 2 hours of fantastic time together.

* Trust. Obsessive behavior usually stems from a feeling of mistrust. Unfortunately trust can only be built over time, but you must have a basis to build from. If you don't feel you can trust him while he is away, discuss this with him. Also, ask yourself why you feel this way. What is he doing to cause this mistrust in you? Is it his actions, or are you drawing from past experiences? What can you do to help yourself face this fear?

* Approach all arguments or discussions with an open mind. Be willing to listen and understand his side.

* Remember that each relationship is different, and no two people are alike.

* In general, without realizing it, we tend to be attracted to people who show the better qualities that are within human beings. Love, beauty, courage, kindness, confidence, trust, honesty and friendliness are some of these qualities and there are many more. When we live out our best qualities, we tend to be attracted to and we attract others who do the same. We tend to want to avoid people who live out some of the worse qualities. When was the last time you were attracted to bitterness, meanness and cruelty in a person?

* Dont instantly say yes to every one of his ideas. You will seem desperate, but instead say no, and casually suggest something or wait for another one of his. Doing this will seem as if you want to spend time with him, but are still enjoying your own life as well.

* Seek help if you are in an abusive situation, or if you find that your infatuation with this person is consuming your life.

* Letting him have his space to do things like be with his friends doesn’t give him permission to pursue other women.

* Setting a "curfew" of when a man is supposed to be home or is supposed to check in is extremely controlling behavior. As you probably know, when you're out with your friends, time flies and the last thing on your mind is the time. You are not his mother, and asking him to keep checking his watch all night while he's trying to have fun just makes you something to resent. He should, instead, have his fun so that he can recharge his batteries and look forward to seeing you.

* Men don't "get a life" by dating. You shouldn't, either. Your life should be interesting and full on its own. If you're not genuinely going out and having fun with your friends without obsessing about him, your insecurities are controlling your life.

* Don't be his go-to girl, just because he cannot find anything else to do. Be smart. Be real.

* If staying out late with his friends is about more than just getting in some guy time—remember: you can’t force love. If what you have isn’t meant to be, no amount of angry outbursts over his guy-time will make your relationship work.

* All of these suggestions should not be tried from the point of view that these will fix a relationship that isn't working by "making" someone have more feelings. Relationships are built on feelings for the other person, and love comes only from loving.
If you find yourself following these suggestions in order to elicit a specific response, then it could be because you're wanting to make the other person feel and in turn, show you feelings they might not have. If you're wondering what you can do to make someone have more feelings for you, the answer is confidently being yourself without needing him. Ask yourself, 'What is it really that attracts you to this person? - the person, themselves, or one or two qualities they have.

* Never just assume that your boyfriend is cheating on you and start checking up on him. That is very annoying, and you will be very embarrassed if he isn't after all. Not only that, but if you are insistent, don't be surprised if he then begins to cheat - both because you don't trust him and because he wants to get away from you.

* Don't be clingy. Men who are starting to feel serious about a girl may start to pull away and make sure. If you're too clingy during this important time, you might chase him away just as he's about to commit.wikihow.com

Stop Thinking About Your Boyfriend's Past Relationships

How to Stop Thinking About Your Boyfriend's Past Relationships

Can't stop thinking about your Boyfriend's past relationships?
1. Ask yourself why you are thinking about your Boyfriend's exes.
Is your boyfriend constantly bringing them up in conversation and making comments that leave you feeling inadequate?
Or perhaps it's you creating this problem for yourself, by comparing yourself to the ex?
Identify whether your need to think about them is due to his behaviour or your own.
2. If your Boyfriend is bringing them up, it's time to talk. Tell him how hurtful it is when he mentions his ex and give him a chance to change. If you see no improvement, you should re-consider your relationship. He may not be over his ex.
3. If you're thinking about them yourself, look at why.
Is your self-esteem not as great as it should be? This may well cause you to be look at his past relationships and cause you further worry. Perhaps you are a jealous person? Whatever the reason, only you can work it out.
4. Live in the moment! Those past relationships didn't work for a reason.

Tips
* Be totally honest with yourself when working out why you are thinking about relationships.
* Be kind to yourself - the ex may appear to have something you don't, but your Boyfriend clearly sees you have something to offer (otherwise, he wouldn't be around).
* By thinking about your Boyfriend's ex partners, you are only causing yourself and the relationship a problem. If your boyfriend is truly over his past relationships, bringing them back up to him is likely to turn him off!
--from wikihow.com

Signs of a lying partner

How to read the signs of a lying partner

Are you being lied to?

Knowing whether you are being lied to or not, does not require mind reading or psychic power.

Understanding the difference between the truth and a lie can all be determined by a person's behavior, and if you pay attention to these behaviors, you will be able to have a better idea of whether you are being lied to or not.

The most important thing you should always remember to do however is to trust your instincts. If you feel you are not getting the entire truth from your partner for some reason, then listen to your instincts.

Most people are in good touch with their instincts, but rather not listen to that inner voice because they refuse to believe that their partner would deceive them in any way. Staying in touch with your instincts will help guide you in the right direction.

Though instincts are a great help, they can be tricky. Majority of the times, your instincts will not lie to you, but there are times when your instincts can be influenced by your fears and insecurities. For example, you may already have fears of being cheated on, therefore you may feel that your partner is lying to you and cheating on you, when in fact he or she may be telling you the truth and completely faithful to you. This is why it is essential to understand the behavior of a liar, so that you define the difference between really catching on to a liar, or just being paranoid that your partner is lying to.

signs of lying

One important thing to remember is that the body never lies. If there are changes in the way your partner moves (or not moves) his/her arms, hands, head and the way his/her eyes shift, then you are most likely being lied to. The reason the body language changes when a person is lying is because the person now has to think of a way to seem convincing that he/she is telling the truth. Since he/she knows that whatever they are telling you is a lie, the behavior automatically changes, because they are now trying to act truthful, instead of actually being truthful. One big sign to look out for is in the eyes. If your partner avoids eye contact with you, then he/she is lying to you. There is a fear that you will see through him or her if there is eye contact, so eye contact will be avoided.

Whether you realize it or not, your body also communicates when you talk. When you are enthusiastic about telling your partner something and are telling the truth, you will move your hands around and will look into his/her eyes to make a connection. If your partner is lying however, he or she will tense up, will most likely tone down on the hand movement and eye connection and will seem different than other times. If your partner is the type to still move his/her hands around even when he/she is lying, then pay attention to the timing of the movements. Timing is everything and can define the difference between the truth and a lie. When a person is telling the truth for example, his/her hands (and whatever body movement he/she does) will move at the same time when telling you something. When he/she is lying however, the body language will be off and will usually come shortly after he/she has told you the lie. This is because they have to think about acting natural, and this thinking causes them to be off key, not to mention they are not really telling you the truth.

Another sign of a lying partner is if he/she touch his/her nose or face a lot while talking to you. They will feel nervous about telling you lies and will want to occupy their hands somehow as a way to cover up their lie, such as touching the nose, rubbing their eyes and so on. Your partner may even clear his or her throat more than usual than talking to you, look away a lot and/or say 'umm' when lying to you. They are using these as time killers so they can think of how to tell you the lie in the most convincing way possible. These are just some of the signs of a lying partner and are the most common signs.

Remember, it is always important to trust your instincts first. If you feel that your partner is lying to you, start paying closer attention to his/her behavior and if there are any changes, then you will be able to catch on to the lies better and can further investigate from that point.

Your Love Personality

It is an obvious fact that we can learn and know what true love is. What we are often not aware of though, is that there are different love trends. Does it even matter if we understand love trends? If we are in a happy relationship, then that means it is all fine, right? Yes and No. Although, your love with your partner might run smoothly for a while, it can take a turn we often never expect. This is why knowing about love trends is helpful.

What may have turned you or your partner on at first, might not be a turn on later. How is this possible if they seemed so crazy over certain things before? The reason is quite simple and reasonable. When we first get involved with people, the attraction and lust is so strong (not that it would not be later), that the way one seduces the other is not truly focused on, but simply instantly appreciated, since they are so drawn to one another.

As the relationship proceeds and the bond builds, you will start getting in touch with your own style of loving and expecting your partner to match up to it. At times, this will be just the case. Couples can share the same love trend, but at other times, they can differ. If your trends do differ, do not look at it as negative, but as a way to combine them and form a creative love trend together. It should not be one way or the other. There is no such thing as the wrong way to love, except for obsession, controlling and abuse, of course-which is not love anyway, although some feel it is.

How do you even come about recognizing the love personality of yours or your partners? It is not difficult, but does require quite a bit amount of observation. Start by making notes of your romantic qualities and ideas of what great romance, sex and seduction is to you. Do you like walks on the beach and dining at cozy, romantic restaurants? Or do you like setting up your sexual activities by setting up a scene and playing along with it, or just going with the flow? By knowing what trend you follow, you will then be introduced to your romantic identity and know what you need from your partner.

There are several types of love trends that you should know about. It will help you come to a deeper understanding of what type of lover you are and your partner as well. People, whose personalities follow the emotional trend, are lovers who pay attention more to the meaning behind things, instead of the thing itself. A man who does not really care for picnics on the beach may still love the event due to the intention behind it. He sees the effort his mate put into it and sees the love and caring meaning that his mate had when the idea was thought of and planned. Emotional lovers are sensitive and love sharing with their partners and are also very spiritual. They do not hold back from expressing their true feelings.

A Creative trend follower on the other hand, may have some of the same traits as an emotional lover, but focuses more on discovering new things and trying them out, taking risks for a bigger thrill. They love to plan and be a part of interesting activities with their lovers because they like going through adventures and new territories together. These types of lovers are found to be quite exciting because they seem to be more mysterious and full of surprises and imagination.

Then you have the traditional trend follower, who likes to follow the rules of what society considers the right way to handle a relationship. They believe in having one partner, following the dating and romance guides to the point (bringing a girl some flowers when picking her up at the door for a date, just to mention one). They also believe in being organized, being financially responsible and planning the events that will take place in their lives with their partners.

Those are the main trends that most people fall into following. This does not mean that a person who has a certain love trend cannot carry qualities from other trends, however. It just means they in general carry that love personality. There is no trend better than the other either. Each trend is unique and interesting in it�s own way. When two people follow the same trend, it is fabulous because they both know exactly what the other is fond of and what to expect as well. There are hardly mixed signals. Having different trends is also a wonderful thing. When a couple has their individual love personality, it opens the door for each one to learn new ways to love expressions and can create a great trend combination!

Considering and accepting our partner�s different trend of love is extremely important to do. If you do not, it will seems like you are just determined to have the romance in your relationship to go your way, by your trend. This will definitely cause unhappiness and have a very high possibility for your mate to back away from romance with you, because he or she will feel that there is lack of attention towards their needs and trends concerning romancing. So remember to be considerate and learn to adapt to their ways too.

It feels fabulous when our lover is being considerate of our trend, respecting it, following it with us often. You cannot be the one always being considered however. You will then become what is called a Constant Receiver. Constant Receivers are always on the look out for themselves. They never look beyond their trend and the needs that are involved with it. They always observe whether or not they are getting what they need and want from their lovers, and if they feel they could be getting more, they grab more. What about your partner? What are his or her needs? Have you even considered what their trend is about and how you can compromise and follow theirs sometimes? Never let these questions go unnoticed. If you find yourself being a constant receiver, it does not mean you are a bad person, but that you have been a little careless. When you realize this, stop yourself and look deep down. You will probably realize that you are aware of your over receiving, and have been so flattered by it that you got carried away. Once you have sorted this out, you can start returning the favor back to your partner.

Being a Constant Giver also has its down side. Yes, you would be always pleasing your partner, but what about you? Is having your trend considered not important? Of course it is! Do not be too furious with your mate if this happens. Just remember what you just learned about Constant Receivers. Your mate most likely did not ignore your trend needs on purpose, but just got carried away with being pampered. After all, you did you create this situation when you were over giving! So many people fall under this category of giving too much. This is because most people believe it is more important to please their lovers than having their own needs and wants fulfilled. Caring about pleasing your partner is good, but disowning your own romantic identity and needs, is not. Get back on track by getting your guilt in order first. Know that you should not feel guilty for wanting or needing something from your partner. You are entitled to having those needs fulfilled. You also should not look at giving as the good thing, while receiving is the bad thing. They are both good when equally exchanged. Start bringing your romantic trend and needs to your mate�s attention. You can do this by bringing up a good movie that is coming out and letting them know that you really want to see it. Re-teach them that they should give too, instead of always receiving from you.

Just highlight the fact that there are different love trends and that they are all unique and deserve to be followed and participated in. As a couple, you will not only please each other, but learn more about the other as well! As long as you do not forget this and understand the importance of an equal share between giving and receiving, your combination of love personalities will live in a content environment.- Love sessions

Get the Right Man - 6

So far, we've: created a very fulfilling life; learned to recharge our batteries and take care of ourselves so we have energy to put into our relationships; learned how men look at dating and marriage; looked at attracting men and the importance of sticking with what you're comfortable with, instead of trying to impress him; how to manage sex by respecting our intuition; and gotten a more realistic, research-centered perspective on what works and doesn't work in marriage.

Now for the final step:
techniques for keeping the man of your dreams at your side for life.

As mentioned, it is extremely important to make a point of addressing issues when they arise. However, blaming, being condescending, and other judgmental are not only useless, but highly predictive of failure.
Instead, often simply stating feelings is enough. Practice saying the works, "I feel." "I feel sad... lonely... attacked... unhappy." Men live to make their women happy. That is one of the main reasons why they don't respond well to criticism - they feel inadequate. Men want to be their wife's hero. Allowing them to respond to your feelings, find a solution themselves (instead of having one suggested), and working to make their wives happy (rewarded by her happiness and smiling face) makes him a modern-day hero.

One of the keys to pursuing your own passions and having your own friendships is that you will not be needy and dependent on him. He will know that you have a lot going on. He knows that if he doesn't schedule a date and calls you last minute, you're probably out with your friends - so he calls in advance to schedule dates (this doesn't mean disrespecting him by getting drunk and flirting with guys, but a night out with the ladies, dinner and a movie, is appropriate fun). You also don't beg him for time alone. Just as it is important for you to have time with your friends, he must have time with his. That time he has, and the freedom you give him to have it, gives him time to miss you. Since you are busy, too, and he's missing you on his boy's night, you'll certainly see enough of him other nights. While it is important for a man to contribute to the household, it is also very important for you to watch for moments when your insecurity comes out.
Instead of setting a curfew like a mother would, at those times when you feel pangs of jealousy or insecurity, ask yourself, "Have I sacrificed my dreams lately? When was the last time I pursued my hobbies or saw my friends?"
Don't make excuses for lack of time - take action.

One difference between men and women is mental processing. Women tend to need a certain about of social time, often with other women, to help them process thoughts and feelings. Men, on the other hand, tend to need time along. Depriving a man of his "alone time" takes away his ability to recharge in the way he needs to. Attempting to force a man to "open up" will only make the process take longer. When a man feels that he is being analyzed or judged, he is far less likely to open up. Men need to feel safe, and have his thoughts and feelings validated and accepted, before he feels comfortable opening up to a woman. However, he still needs time alone, and women need to learn to respect this in the same way that men must respect a woman's need to have social interaction with other women. For a marriage to last, men must feel safe being able to express thoughts and feelings, particularly sadness.

The keys to dealing with your partner in relationship conflicts is expressing feelings and using the word "Regardless" - or withdrawing attention. "Regardless" is important, because no one can argue logic against emotion. However, while you may feel very emotional, take it out with exercise, talking to friends, or in other ways. Your conversation with your partner, even while expressing emotion, should be extremely calm and without visible emotion. Here are some examples:

A man is calls you up at the last minute, asking for a late date. It will obviously lead to a late dinner, or more likely, a booty call. For whatever reason, you happen to be free that night - but of course, you were not waiting for his call as he hadn't scheduled a date. You simply had decided to stay in that night to pamper yourself. You ask him to drive over to your house. He insists you drive to his. You feel internal doubt... trust that instinct. Inside, you can tell he's trying to weasel from you what he can get at his convenience. Response? Withdraw attention. "Will you drive over here?" "No, you come to my house," he says. "It seems like tonight just won't be convenient for me. Perhaps we can get together next week." By not allowing him to disrespect you, particularly for sex, you show him you will stand up for yourself. Seeing that you won't let him get away with a more minor jerky-thing, he's less likely to be more of a jerk to you in the future, and will certainly respect you much more. A true jerk will show his true colors here - but the average guy will say, "Sorry, let's go on a real date next week." Expect your man to treat you well and he will.

A man is not contributing around the home. Go to him and say,
"I feel sad." [this is the base emotion, which will elicit compassion.]
"Why?" he'll ask.
"Because I feel overworked."
"But I'm working hard, too," he says.
"Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel a sense of unfairness." [Notice the focus is still on feelings, which can not be argued with.]
"But I took out the garbage last week!"
"I really appreciate that. Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel like I do more." He can no longer argue. He sighs.
"What if I started doing the dishes every other night."
"Oh! That would be great - but that feels overly complicated. Every other night. I would still feel burdened overall."
"Ok, every night."
"Oh, thank you so much! What a great idea! You're the best, sweetie!" Sparkle. Smile. Hug him. Thank him. Practice well - research has shown that if you want to be a successful parent, you'll need to reward your kid's chores (yes, the ones they're supposed to do without encouragement!) with the same enthusiasm. And you should be enthusiastic. Becoming complacent and not showing appreciation is a very negative trait.

Now - sit back, and let him do it. He may do it later than you want. He may do it differently than you want. But don't touch those dishes, and expect them to be done- they will be. Then kiss him and smile - that's all he wants, to be your hero. Notice, clearly you don't suggest the solution. He comes up with it himself. Most importantly, you have to allow him to do it his way, even if he loads the dishes in a less that optimal way, he still did it and is your hero! This is the only part that may seem artificial to some - but it shouldn't be.

First, because researchers have shown how important support is for behavior modification. But mostly because you should appreciate what your partner does for you, and that appreciation is an important part in showing the type of support and affection research has shown to be so important in a marriage.
Note: if you are changing your strategy mid-relationship to a more mature manner of interacting, do not be surprised if you find conflict increasing before it settles down. You are changing the rules, which can be uncomfortable for him.

Never treat your partner like a child - don't talk down to him, don't give him unsolicited advice, don't cast judgement on him, don't give him curfews or try to control him.

Agree, if anything, to disagree about the way he does things. But accept the man as he is, appreciate him for who he is, don't try to change him. If you can't resist the urge, let him go for another girl who will appreciate him for him, not for what you consider to be his "potential."

These important concepts are really about staying mature, respecting him, and expecting mutual respect. They have also been shown to be highly successful. By managing your own energy, time, and emotion, you will find the ability to be the stronger emotional force in the relationship leading to a lasting love and respect for the both of you. =)

Get a Man to Marry You

Finding a guy is one thing, but keeping him around is another. Both are important steps. But what are some of the secrets of women who find men willing to commit?
This is not an all-encompassing guide, but it may be a start in helping you develop deeper relationships.

Steps

1. Love yourself.
If you're not happy with who you are then don't expect others will be. Analyze yourself and change what you don't like. Positive self-esteem is key.

2. Know your role.
An important part of any relationship is making both partners aware that they have a crucial and indispensable role to play.

3. Be emotionally grounded.
Life with you should not be a roller coaster ride. Men generally like women who are stable, and vice versa.
Sometimes this is a difficult task in our hectic lives, but it is not impossible. If you find yourself referred to as a "drama queen" in more than one instance, seek help and guidance in relaxing your nerves and calming your emotions.

4. Men are often slower to commit because they are very careful about getting to know a woman before they commit to her.
They date first before becoming a boyfriend, they stay a boyfriend first before getting engaged. This is often hard for women, but there is a lesson to be learned from it. They make sure (as women should) that they feel compatible on all levels. This process must happen at its own pace. Pressuring a man to make a decision before he feels he knows you will inevitably lead him to doubt. Don't talk about marriage until either he brings it up or it's been about a year.

5. Keep dating fun, as it should be.
If dating goes well, and your interactions are positive, he'll want you to be his girlfriend. If he builds experience with you and sees you as a person he wants to be with forever, he will get more serious about his future and work, start considering longer-term goals such as buying a home, and begin to discuss the future more and more. Only once he has made a decision about you and feels prepared and mature enough to propose will he do so.

6. Show confidence.
Be sure of yourself, and ready to tackle whatever is before you. Many men love confident women. How can a man not feel privileged when he earns the esteem of a woman who values herself so highly?

7. Show endearment with class.
A certain look. A scratch on the back. A soft kiss. Nothing "clingy" or inappropriate.

8. Appreciate a man's strengths.
And tell him so, even if he's already prideful. Then support him when he is at his best, and avoid nagging or berating him when he is at his worst.

9. Be fun.
This sounds basic, but it's a critical factor in any relationship. Have a sense of humor. Don't be uptight or negative.

10. Overflow with joy.
Women who are glad to be alive and are enjoying every minute of it may be irrepressibly attractive to men.

11. Glow.
If the warmth of your heart is written all over your face, and your feelings for your guy show in the sparkle in your eyes, you will melt him. This is what removes all doubt - it's the important "silver bullet".

12. Practice humility.
A humble person is not someone who downplays herself; it is a person who controls her ego and shows a genuine interest in others.

13. Date.
It may not be obvious, but you actually have to go out on dates with a man and commit to a relationship before he will propose. The term "date" in modern culture is vague and sometimes redefined as something more than it is. Simply converse with a man and get to know more about each others' lives.

14. Don't assume.
Some men wait slightly longer than you might want before they ask. If he is really worth marrying, you should be willing to wait (within reason). But if he is uninterested (or worse, making excuses) even after a long period of time, you need to reevaluate the direction of your relationship. Remember, great romances are not built on bargaining and ultimatums - in the best marriages the man is the one initiating conversations about marriage. Sometimes allowing a man to lead the direction of a relationship is in-line with your desires. Try it, you'll like it.

15. Remember that romance runs both ways.
If you want to be respected and treated as an equal, do the same for him. Be romantic. Make him want to be in this relationship. Don't be a cheapskate. Men often enjoy romance too; pretending otherwise will only drive him away.

16. Remember that some men are perfectly willing to date women they really like but don't see as "marriage material."
If, after six months to a year, you still haven't heard him refer to his future plans for marriage or family (with or without you) you may need to ask, "What qualities do you look for in someone you see yourself committing to?" If he mentions qualities he's complimented you on, take it as a good sign. If his compliments are largely related to sex, it probably is not.

17. If you feel the need to have a serious talk, reconsider the approach.
Instead of coming at him with a serious tone (which will bring up his innate fear of pressure for commitment), be upbeat and positive. "I really love spending time with you. I really feel happy around you. But I just want to double check and see if we're on the same page. While I know it is too soon for us to worry about it, I do want to get married in the future and want to make sure I'm dating someone who has the same values as me. As we get to know each other better and better, are you beginning to see me as someone you could possibly see that happening with?"

18. Convey unconditional love.
A strong relationship should be based upon more than convenience. Pushing past difficult times while remaining together requires a deep commitment and appreciation for one another. Unconditional love is developed over time. It is a choice we make, not necessarily a feeling we experience.

19. Set goals.
Marriage itself only works when you're moving forward, so it's good practice to start now. Generally speaking, men like women who know who they are and where they're going, even if some of the goals need to be changed a bit down the road.

Tips
* A comfort with, and affinity towards men is non-negotiable. No man will commit to spending the rest of his life with a "man hater"... nor should he.
* If you disrespect a man by openly flirting with other men his presence, don't expect a ring.
* If he is not showing a desire to marry after several months or longer, he may never want to marry you. You don't want a man to "settle" for you; your partner should see you as his first choice or something is wrong.
* Know what you are looking for in a man. Learn what personally attracts you to others to help find a better match. Be honest about communicating these preferences, but do so in subtle, caring manner.
* Most men want a feminine woman. Interestingly, women who fit this description are more likely to attract masculine men.
* Ironically, women who give men an incentive to marry them may end up moving him in the opposite direction.
* It's certainly important to maintain who you are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Whatever attracted him to you, be sure to maintain it. It is well-documented that men appreciate women who are beautiful, cute, and/or sexy in their eyes. If you disregard this fact, don't expect your man to view you as the "most beautiful woman in the world".
* Visualize being the woman who a man remembers fondly. Capitalize on your positive unique qualities, talents, or interests.
* As author Sarah Ban Breathnach said, "If you wait for the best, you will very often get it." Expect good things to happen. Create a mission statement - and be specific - defining precisely what it is you want in a man. Revisit and revise this statement from time to time. Prepare yourself mentally to meet and marry the man of your dreams.
* Show some confidence-women who have high self-esteem, are comfortable and happy with themselves, are irresistible to men. Smile, show off your love for him and yourself by showing how happy your relationship makes you!
* Always, always, always keep trying new things on multiple fronts. Whether it's new food, a new sport, or a new travel destination, this will keep life exciting, and you interested in your own life. Both men and women become depressed when they feel they know exactly what to expect out of the rest of their lives.
* Be positive, fearless, and enjoy your life! If you think you need him to make life more fulfilling, then you need to focus on you for a while and learn how to be whole without him. A man won't fill any void.

Warnings
* Women whom men eventually leave might exhibit the following traits: o Complaining. It's not good to be negative. After a while this is like listening to a bad disco record over and over. Believe it. o Thinking men are all about sex. Giving it out early and often will not necessarily keep a man. Hint: How soon first sex happens, in and of itself, has little to do with how long a relationship lasts. o Focused on physical appearance. Being cute is not enough to land a well-rounded guy forever. If you get a guy to commit to you based on looks alone, stay tuned for a miserable life together. o Taking no risks. They worry about everything and don't have the guts to go for what they want. o Having general problems. OK, someone else in your past has nothing to do with your new guy. You must enjoy being a woman and be attracted to what makes men male.
* Jealousy. Unfortunately, jealous people may also cheat on their partners. Studies say that when people criticize others, listeners tend to consign the traits criticized to the speaker him/herself. Are you a walking, self-fulfilling prophecy?
* Vanity: No guy likes a wife who goes around thinking she's better than everyone around her. Positive Self-esteem-Good. Vanity-Bad.
* Don't be controlling. If you are a controlling woman, you are not showing him the respect he may need to feel good about himself.

Is it Love, Infatuation, or Lust ??

While there's no clear, fool-proof way to decipher your feelings for someone, there are certain ways to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation clearer for yourself.

Steps

1. 

   Could it be love?
   Write down everything that you associate with the person you're feeling strongly about. Example words on your brainstorm list could include love, butterflies, sex, holding hands, annoying snoring, gorgeous, etc.
2. Circle each attribute with a different color such as red for lust, yellow for infatuation, and green for love.
3. See which of the three feelings dominates the page. If one doesn't stand out (like if the distribution seems pretty equal), move on to the following steps for more insight.
4. Or is it lust?
   Read literature on the topic. Questions aboutare timeless questions that have consumed mankind throughout the ages and are a major theme in many scriptures, tales from mythology, and literature. Read the story of David and Bathsheba from the Old Testament, 1st Corinthians from the New Testament, the story of Ali and Fatima, Echo and Narcissus, or Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
5. Ask your friends or, if you find it easier, ask a complete and utter stranger, so that you get an honest opinion and an outsider's point of view. Tell that person how you feel, and ask them if it sounds primarily like love, infatuation, or lust.
6. Watch a movie that relates to your situation like "Cruel Intentions" (which is about lust, and wanting what you can't have), "Down to You" (which is about love and leaving it all down to the other person), "How to lose guys in 10 days" (which is about none of them really but it's about making a mistake and putting it right), "The Notebook," which tells a tale of life-long love and commitment, "The Phantom of the Opera" (which is about both lust and infatuation) and definitely, "Titanic" (which is about holding on to someone forever until you die - that is love - bittersweet love), also, perhaps, "The Fly" (which is about a woman who falls in love with a man who turns into a fly and then goes insane, and yet remains deeply emotionally attached through this agonizing life change - which is love) or High Fidelity (which is about learning what love really is). Yet understand, that movies are fiction that depict idealized rather than realistic love.

Tips

• Keep in mind that in most relationships, you're feeling all three (love, infatuation, and lust) all at once, to some degree.
• To help you make tough decisions about your relationship, ask someone you trust who has lots of experience with the kind of relationship you want for yourself. For example: Say you want to be happily married to one person for life. If your parents have both been bitterly divorced three times, then they are probably not the ones to talk to. On the other hand, if they are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary of bliss together, then they may be ideal to learn from.

• Lasting relationships are those that are built on love

  - not infatuation or lust. Imagine the person you love in 50 years when they are old and fat. Would that change how you feel about them? If yes, then what you feel now is most likely lust/infatuation - not love.
• Friendship should also weigh into your decision to commit. In 50 years, if you don't genuinely LIKE your mate, you're going to be miserable.
• Remember that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity or fear of being alone. Are you in love with being in relationships?
• A major life-changing decision like moving in together, getting engaged or getting married should be a natural step if you love someone. It should not inspire fear.
• Take advantage of the post coital "moment of clarity" to examine your feelings. This is not usually the moment directly after orgasm (where most people are happy with the universe), but 5 or 10 minutes later, when your breathing and heart rate are normal. At this point, does the sex still make you feel closer to that person? Or are you beginning to feel regret and anxiety about what happened? If the latter, then it's most definitely not love but lust.
• Give it some time. Love takes root slowly and grows with time. Infatuation grows into full bloom almost immediately.
• Keep in mind that "True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be."
  
• What comes to mind when you think about this person. If you are not dating the person, think if you are eager to spend time with them or you just want to watch them from a distance. If you are in a relationship with the person, What do you want most out of the relationship. If you just want to consummate love to the person it is usually lust. True love is when you could love a person without ever "dropping your drawers" so to speak.

Warnings

• If you're not sure about your feelings or your relationship, take things slowly. Spend time apart and see how you are feeling while you are away. Do you miss the person? Or are you more attracted to others when you are apart?
• You may also want to consider the fact that it's not always as easy as being one of these three things; often there are a lot of grey areas, the distinctions are blurred, and it is very possible to feel two or even all of these feelings for a person.

So guys, in all things, keep praying. Because He knows the best for us.

Forgiveness in your marriage or relationship

Forgiveness and Letting Go in Your Marriage or Relationship

Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for a marriage relationship.

Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep yourself healthy both emotionally and physically.


Health Aspects of Forgiving
If you hold on to old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing a perceived hurt can eventually make it in to something more - hate and extreme bitterness.
Lack of forgiveness can wear you down.
Additionally, being unforgiving is not good for either our physical and mental well being.

How to Forgive
* Be open.

* Make a decision to forgive your spouse.

* When images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind, think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts.

* Don't throw an error or mistake back in your spouse's face at a later date. Don't use it as ammunition in an argument.

* Don't seek revenge or retribution. It will only extend the pain.

* Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression.

* Remember that forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the hurtful behavior.

* Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your spouse takes time. Don't try to hurry the process.

* If you continue to be unable to forgive, or you find yourself dwelling on the betrayal or hurt, please seek professional counseling to help you let go and forgive. Don't forget to praying for your marriage from your first time.

How to Ask for Forgiveness
* Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you've caused.
* Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your spouse again by repeating the hurtful behavior.
* Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt.
* Be open to making amends.
* Be patient with your spouse. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don't dismiss your spouse's feelings of betrayal by telling your spouse to "get over it."

Marriage Relationships Need Forgiveness

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has grumpy days. Many people say things they do not mean now and then.
Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven.

No relationship, especially a marriage relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness.

Even though you may find it find it difficult to forgive, being able to forgive is crucial in marriage.

Knowing When Enough is Enough (in relationship) If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to say enough is enough and to end your relationship. In these situations, forgiveness for the past hurts may take longer and that is okay.

Knowing When Enough is Enough (in marriage) If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to ask help from consultant or your spiritual leader.Don't forget to pray. By His grace, you will have more understanding about your self and your spouse, and how to make solution next time.

From Sheri & Bob Stritof, with additions in some parts.

When it comes to jealousy..

When it comes to jealousy, the problem and the cure can be simpler than the green-eyed monster would have you believe!

The problem:

There is a popular idea that when a person is jealous of attention his or her partner is receiving from or giving to others, he or she really wants to get rid of the partner. It is as if when you are jealous, you have a subconscious desire to break up with your partner; therefore, your jealousy will chase him or her out of your life.

We disagree. Just think about the last time you felt jealous of attention your partner was receiving from others, especially if your partner is still in your life. Did you want to get rid of him or her? Or did you, rather, feel threatened that the other person(s) would steal him or her away.


Now, there are people who are chronically jealous and use their jealousy to abuse those they claim to love. However, we are not talking about that kind of jealousy.

We are talking about the kind where he has a friend with whom he has enough camaraderie that it gets your attention and gets on your nerves. Or she has someone at work who regards her highly and she appreciates that regard just enough to make you feel uncertain, like you had better pay attention to this friendship.

This kind of jealousy, when confronted, results in conversations that break down because your partner doesn’t get what’s wrong! He or she is so convinced of the legitimacy and integrity of these friendships that your jealousy is perceived as something that just should not exist at best, annoying or insulting at worst. His or her lack of understanding, perhaps lack of compassion, makes your feelings worse instead of better.

The unwise will put his or her partner in the position of making a choice between the friend and the partner. The wise will resist putting his or her partner in that position and will continue to struggle with the issue. If told that your jealousy is a signal you desire to be free of your partner, you will likely give back an angry response! You do not want to get rid of your partner. What you desire, more than anything, is to feel secure inside your romantic relationship.

Jealousy comes down to a lack of self-worth. The resulting behavior may indeed get rid of the partner, but that is a symptom and not the problem. The problem is a lack of foundational value within the jealous person. You simply do not feel valuable enough to be secure in the knowledge of your partner’s love.

This could extend to friends, parents, and children. Persons who are jealous are rarely only jealous of a single person in their lives. Jealousy is an issue that rears its monster green head over and over again. The problem isn’t with the other people, it’s with you not loving yourself enough.

If you are trying to get rid of your partner, you are likely trying to control when and how he leaves in an effort to both prove your sense of worthlessness as well as pretend to hold on to the dignity of at least being the one in control of the leaving. That isn’t the same as wishing to be rid of your partner and choosing a neurotic way to get rid of him or her.

The cure:

In the jealous person’s worldview, an ideal reality may be that all you have to say to her is, “Please stop seeing him,” and she does; or all you have to say to him is, “Please reassure me every time I need to be reassured,” and he does. In life, though, we need our friends and extended family as much as we need our intimate partners and immediate family. In addition, we need those people to be from a variety of age groups with both sexes represented. Life is simply fuller and healthier when we have large support systems with lots of perspectives available. Life is also fuller and healthier when our intimate partners are not only confident of our love but also experience that confidence from within.

When you are suffering from jealousy, you need to know that you belong to your partner and your partner belongs to you. How do you fill yourself with confidence that your intimate partner is still crazy in love with you and desires only you? There are a number of ways to accomplish this.

If your partner can tolerate hearing you process about the relationship that makes you jealous, do your best to keep it at a minimum. Use I-statements when you talk about it. Make the conversation be about your feelings, your experience. Refrain from making him or her wrong, but ask for support. For example, if she is willing to interrupt meals by accepting phone calls from her friend, ask her to stop. Request that she let her friend know she won’t be taking phone calls during meals but will call him back when she gets the chance. Expect her friend to respect your relationship.

You are working to heal your jealousy, let your partner know you expect your process to be respected and your feelings to be cherished. You are not asking her to let go of the friendship. She needs to respect the ways the friendship impinges on your life by setting good boundaries with her friends and family.

When making love, be present. Pay attention. Be real with the fact that he only shares this with you! There may be a world of people out there who admire him and want him to be their friend, but this he does only with you. Whenever there are moments that declare you are his alone and he is yours alone, really be present with those moments!

Never process your jealousy when the two of you are being intimate. That can come across as punitive and can ruin the moment for days to come.

Let him know you desire reassurance. If he thinks that lovemaking alone should reassure you and it doesn’t, be honest. Friendships are luxuries that carry a lot of responsibility. One bit of responsibility is that we not use a friendship to hurt another, whether purposefully or by accident. This is especially true when the one being hurt is our intimate partner.

Speaking of the responsibility of friendship, if you need the freedom to process your jealousy outside of the relationship, choose wisely. Choose a friend who loves your mate, someone who will refrain from judging him or her and truly assist you in processing your experience and your feelings. If such a person doesn’t exist in your life, a trained professional will do. However, if that professional chooses sides, even your side, that person is no longer a wise choice.

You are not asking someone to help you drive a wedge between you and your partner. You are asking for assistance to heal the jealousy that resides in you, acknowledging that it is your responsibility. Such assistance will not come from someone who needs to choose sides.

Spend as much time as you can loving yourself! We create that which we put our attention on.

The more you love yourself the more the people in your life show up to love you. More importantly, the more you love yourself, the greater your confidence grows.

If you are struggling with jealousy, you need to know beyond any doubt that you are worthy of your partner’s unconditional love and positive regard. Your partner cannot give that to you. Life may not have given it to you yet. Your parents may not have had it to give. Nevertheless, you can give that worth to yourself! Love you! Love yourself as though you are crazy in love with you until it is true and then love yourself some more.

More than physical attractiveness, more than an attractive personality, confidence is sexy!

Confidence will turn his head again. Confidence will make her sit up and take notice. Confidence will make you more attractive to yourself as well as to your partner. It will fan the flames of healing self-love and it will fan the flames of your romantic love.

Friendships outside of primary relationship come and go. A time will come when your partner’s friend is less present in both your lives. When that starts to happen, go ahead and celebrate that fact between you and you! Let it remind you that yours is the primary relationship. Let it remind you that you belong to your partner and your partner belongs to you.

As your jealousy heals and the anger fades, celebrate the love between you and your partner. One of the problems jealousy brings with it is an ever-present sense of anger that can require so much time and attention that you may wonder how you will get along without it! You will get along without it.

As opportunities for laughter and affection increase, as processing gives way to conversations about hopes and dreams for the future, as you continue to share experiences that bond you, your confidence in your own worth will continue to grow within yourself and within the relationship. You will find there is room for both of you to have as many friends and family members in your life as you desire. Moreover, life can be full, rich, and rewarding, as you indeed grow old together.


About The Author
Copyright, all rights reserved, 2008; Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth Malinak are the authors of "Getting Back to Love," the definitive book on the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl relationship that is so prevalent today. It is available at amazon and at http://www.GettingBacktoLove.com. Find the Malinaks at http://www.IdealRelationships.com where you can sign up for their FREE newsletter, The Art of Creating an Ideal Relationship! Joseph can also be found at http://www.josephmalinak.com.