Romance on a budget

One of the most common topics in arguments between couples is money. Worrying about having enough money to care for your family’s needs can put a huge burden on your shoulders, and that financial burden leads to enormous stress. Focusing on the stress of finances can oftentimes knock relationship priorities off the top of the list. We have to remember that our marriages are the cornerstone of our frugal families. If we fail to take care of our relationships, then all the frugalness in the world won’t matter anymore. It makes sense then that frugal couples need to be mindful of the state of their marriages and the quality of their time together. Always make sure that time for romance and your relationship are a top priority, no matter what is going on in your budget! You have the power to foster love and rekindle the romance in your marriage right now, and it doesn’t take a lot of money to make that happen. I believe that husband and wife date nights are a great way to stay connected. You can keep romance alive on a small budget, or even no budget, when you focus on the things that really make your spouse feel loved, valued, and appreciated. Plan fun things to do together such as an indoor picnic or an at-home romantic dinner for two. Or what about taking an evening stroll holding hands and talking about your day? If you have little ones and you can't seem to find the time to really talk but you also can't afford a babysitter, you might consider going on a romantic nighttime drive. This is a date even the kids will like (before they fall asleep, that is)! Have the kids get dressed in their jammies and bring their pillows and blankies into the car. Go for a nighttime drive (the kids will fall asleep) together to talk about non-kid topics. Load up your favorite romantic music or even “your song”, and drive to a scenic lookout point where you can see the city and stare out at the stars together. You don’t need to have a special occasion to make plans for a romantic date with your husband or wife. Keeping regular free and cheap dates on your weekly schedule serves to strengthen your relationship and keep your intimacy strong in a fun way. Spending time together doesn't have to cost a lot, just use your imagination and you can keep your romance alive on a budget!
-- Danelle Barbi Ice from Homemakerbarbi

Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship

If you've ever been in a relationship for very long, especially if you were married it is almost a guarantee that you've had a money fight. One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is differences in values and goals and habits when it comes to money, and especially communication about money issues.

Money can't buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart.

The crux of this article is to learn how to talk about money, and learn to align your financial goals. If you can do those two things, you've done more than most couples, and you've done a lot to keep your relationship on solid ground.

1. Sit down and talk about financial goals and values. Many couples often neglect this step, even if it seems obvious and commonsense. But because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, many couples leave these important things unsaid, and often don't even think about it individually.
They have goals and values when it comes to money, but they're not examined. That's a mistake, as one person might want to be frugal in order to save for future goals, while the other might like to spend and enjoy things now, while the getting is good. The differences often come from different upbringings, and they can be emotionally charged (see next step for more on this). It doesn't have to be difficult, though, and it might take a few meetings to get to actual written goals, with a time frame for each, but that's where you want to be eventually.

* Each person should have a budget (formal or crude, either one) of what their income and expenses are before going into the discussion. Spend some time going over your past 3 months of expenses and income to prepare a good overview of what and where are your expenses. Make sure to include those $5 lattes every morning, and the high-grade gasoline instead of the cheap stuff, and be prepared to calmly explain the justification for things that your partner may not readily see the value in! (And be prepared to invest in a latte machine - or whatever it takes to help make the compromises successful.)

* Tell your partner you'd like to sit down and have a talk about the future — what your goals are and how you can work together, as a team, to achieve them. Start by spitting out the things each of you want — a house, kids, college education for the kids, a healthy emergency fund, nice cars, travel each year, nice clothes, gadgets and computers, etc.

* Then prioritize, and see if you can come up with things in common. If you want different things, it is important that you talk about why, and consider the other person's desires. If that's what makes the other person happy, you should want to make them happy - that's the basis of a good relationship. But relationships aren't one-sided, either, so you should be able to be happy too. The point is that both sides should be considered, and you should look for a win-win solution or compromise so that you can both be happy.

* Discuss how you will handle assets and debts that were accumulated before the relationship began. If you are married in the U.S., your spouse's creditors can hold you legally responsible and pursue your assets if you don't keep your finances completely separated, or if you ever get divorced. Plus, your spouse's credit score will affect your ability to get joint credit, which is often necessary for large purchases (such as a home). So if you're married, the best route is to work together to pay off debt as quickly as possible, avoiding late payments. If you're planning on getting married soon, a pre-nuptial agreement can help protect one person's assets from the other person's creditors.If you're not married, you may choose to treat individual debt as a shared expense, or you may not - the choice is yours as a couple.

2. Remove emotions from financial talk. From your first meetings about financial goals to your subsequent weekly talks (addressed in a later step), it's important that the two of you stay calm, don't get hurt or angry over any of the issues, and try to look at these issues objectively. Often financial issues are tied up in all kinds of emotional issues, stemming from childhood, from issues of security to feeling like your way is better, to feeling hurt if your way of spending is criticized in any way, and much more. These emotional issues are all tangled together with financial issues, and it's important that you untangle them and just deal with financial goals and habits:

* Don't use emotional, accusatory, or inflammatory language. Use nonviolent communication.
* Don't blame the other person or even be negatively critical.
* Simply talk about your financial goals, developing a plan for getting to those goals, developing a system for dealing with finances, and so forth.
* Also, try not to feel like you're under attack if the other person talks about your goals or habits — let this be an open discussion, and if you feel under attack, stop and take a breath and remember that this isn't a discussion about you personally but about how the two of you are going to meet your goals. Again, think of this as a team effort, not as a you-vs-me effort.

3. Come up with a plan to meet your goals. Once you're able to come up with common financial goals (a huge step - celebrate! Within your budget.), you will need a plan to get you there. This will take into account your joint income, your debt, your savings, how much you can put towards debt and/or saving each month, whether you want to cut back on certain things in order to meet your savings goals, how long you want to give yourself to meet financial goals, and so forth:

* Start by having a definite time frame for each goal, and then figure out how much you need to save (or pay towards debt) each month to get to your goals. Try to get into the habit of paying yourselves first.

* Create a spending plan (if you haven't already) for each month, and see if you can adjust it to meet that monthly goal. You might need to cut back on some things, or earn extra income, or both. Or you might discover that your goals aren't realistic and you need to cut back on them, reprioritize, or push them back a bit in order to meet them. This plan to meet your goals is how you will align your daily and monthly spending with your long-term goals. It's also a great way to resolve minor short-term disputes - for example, "you should definitely buy fewer shoes, and I should buy fewer video games, so we can buy that house in three years and travel to Europe in two years". Spending plans will evolve as time goes by -- this is inevitable; be prepared to adjust and adapt to your changing situations (promotion at work, unexpected expenses like constant car repairs indicating an upcoming major expense, etc.) as needed.

4. Develop a system for finances that works for both of you. It may take some trial, error and tweaking before you get it right. Keep in mind that no one arrangement is in any way "better" than the other. The best arrangement is the one that creates the most harmony in your relationship.

* Use the communal approach if you have very similar spending styles and saving goals. All of the income received by the couple goes into a single account, and all expenses come out of that single account. If you're not on the same page about spending, like if one person tends to make money decisions that the other person tends to disagree with, this approach can lead to frequent arguments. Communication, trust, and discipline are essential for this arrangement to work smoothly.

*Use the individual approach if you have different spending styles. Keep separate accounts to which your individual incomes are deposited. Put money into a joint account only for shared expenses. Decide what those shared expenses are going to be (usually rent or mortgage, utilities, etc.) and what proportion each partner will pay. You can each put in half of the expenses, or you may decide to contribute a percentage that's relative to your individual income (e.g. one person makes twice as much per year as the other, so one person puts twice as much towards the shared expenses as the other). The remainder of the money in each person's account is theirs to keep and spend or save however they wish.

* Use the allowance approach if it fits. This is a hybrid of the previous two arrangements. Put everything into a joint account, but then give each person an allowance to spend as they wish. The allowance can be in cash, or it can be transferred to individual accounts. Decide as a couple how much of an allowance each person should get. This works best for people who tend to spend money on different things, but who still want to pool their income.

5. Decide who will be handling the "administrative" aspects of your finances. In order to put your financial plan into action, you'll need to figure out how you're going to pay your bills, pay debt, deposit into savings, have money for various spending needs (like gas and groceries and eating out), and so forth. Someone will have to take responsibility for each part of the system (it's better if you're both involved, but you should find what works best for you as a couple). Usually there's one person who's more inclined to do the bookkeeping, and sometimes he or she doesn't mind carrying this responsibility. Otherwise, you'll need to define and assign responsibility. One person might go to the bank while the other updates your financial program (like Quicken or Money) or your checking register to make sure you're in balance, for example.

* If one person will be handling the finances more than the other, what is his or her responsibility in consulting with the other before, say, moving money into the savings account or IRA?

* If the person who normally handles these tasks can't do it (e.g. medical issue, away on a trip, etc.) does the other person know enough about the process to step in?


6. Have weekly financial meetings. This is very important, and it's a step that many couples overlook. Just because you have common financial goals and a plan and a system doesn't mean that everything is fine. If one person takes responsibility for the finances, for example, and the other is out of the loop, there will likely be problems down the road. You don't want to be in the situation where one partner took care of the finances and the other was blissfully ignorant...until it was revealed that they were way behind on payments and would soon have to file for bankruptcy. That isn't a good time in a relationship!
To prevent problems like this, have a weekly meeting where you sit down and talk about finances. You can review your accounts, your spending plan, what is coming up in the next few weeks that you'll need to budget for, any problem areas, what to do with your annual bonus, where you are with your goals, and so forth. Make sure you're both caught up on everything, and that you're working well as a team.

7. Adapt as needed. You may need to adjust the allowances or proportions if a big expense arises, like one person loses a job, or suffers from a major illness or injury, or even takes up a new (and expensive) interest or hobby. For instance, let's say a couple uses the communal approach, and then one partner decides to take up golfing again.

The couple may decide that the best way to accommodate this is to designate a "golfing allowance" so that one partner knows exactly how much the other partner is going to be spending on this hobby, and there are no surprises ("You spent how much on that golf club?!?"). (In the golfing example, additional expenses could be drawn from the person's personal allowance.) Many couples modify their arrangement significantly as their circumstances change. A couple may, for example, start off with the individual approach, then transition into the communal approach when they start a family or make a large investment together.


8. Above all, stay positive and be honest. Remember: you're a team. You have the same goals and you want each other to be happy. Team members can help each other out and encourage each other, or they can rip the team apart by being negative, by blaming, by working against common goals. If you always stay positive, you'll succeed as a team. Be encouraging, stay focused on solutions not blame, and make sure love is the foundation of everything you do.

Tips

* No matter how you choose to handle your finances as a couple, you should talk about and dedicate money to an emergency fund of three to six months' worth of living expenses.

* Just because you have individual accounts doesn't mean you don't trust one another. Sometimes it's not convenient to discuss every single purchase in real time, and this can occasionally lead to misunderstandings and even overdraft fees at the bank. It's possible to make individual accounts into joint accounts so that you can see each other's financial activities, but agree not to use money from the other person's designated account without discussing it first, or unless it's an emergency.
---www.wikihow.com with some changes in some part

Five Reasons to get married and Five Reasons not to get married

Five Reasons to get married and Five Reasons not to get married

To Marry or... Getting married is once in a lifetime decision for many people. When people wish to get married, invariably all of them expect a full life together. Very few would think of marriage as a short-term exercise. Hence, it is very much necessary that all aspects of a life together be fully analyzed before tying the knot. Usually men and women tend to have different perspectives about married life. It would be better to have open and honest discussion to sort out the possible future irritants or at least understand them so that some sort of compromise could be arrived at. The reasons that a man looks at while desiring to marry her are innumerous. However, a few of them top the list in order of priority. For most men, the need of a woman in life is necessitated by the motherly love that he had received in his early life. He needs a woman who can show him the same love and who could fulfill his physical and emotional needs. That is why many men look for the same qualities in a woman that their mothers possess. The second reason is to have a lifetime companion, who can share his desires and needs. The third reason is love. When a man feels that he loves a particular woman, he wants to own her fully. This might appear to be a wrong reason but that is the way humans are made. Everybody likes to possess what he or she desires and human relationships are no different. In some cases, the man might marry a woman because she has become pregnant and is carrying his child. Certain men wish to marry a woman who is having the same career as his, so that they would be able to adapt to each other better. It is quite usual for a doctor to marry a doctor and a lawyer to marry a lawyer. They would be able to understand the work pattern and the workload of each other. However, few others are very particular that the woman is having a different profession, so that their interests do not clash. This choice depends on the outlook of the individual. In short men marry women for the following main reasons. The wish to continue the motherly love received in childhood. Desire to have a lifetime companion. The love the man has for the woman. The woman having become pregnant by him. To have a woman who has a similar career for easier adaptability. Women also marry men for nearly the same reasons. However, one important reason that women have in marriage is to escape from parents that they do not like or from a parent who is abusive. Sometimes, men also marry for this reason but the number is much lesser than women. So the reasons for a woman marrying a man can be enumerated as follows. Wish to escape from parents. Desire to have a lifetime companion. Love for the man. Having become pregnant by the man. To have a man having a similar career for easier adaptability. The reasons for getting married are quite obvious. On the other hand, the reasons for not getting married are much more complicated. In fact, it would be difficult to mention reasons for not getting married. However, the reasons for a marriage becoming a failure could be discussed with more ease. There are several jokes about marriage but nearly all of them are at the expense of the woman. There should be some strong reasons for that. Probably, the main reasons are the innumerable needs that women have that drain the purse of a man and the continuous nagging that women indulge in after marriage. One joke says that a successful man is one who can make more money than his wife spends but a successful woman is one who finds such a man. Many women tend to nag the men too much after marriage. They try to compare their husbands with other men who are more successful in life, which is resented by the husbands. Wives also tend to give free advice to men as to what they should and should not do, which is also not liked by many men. Infidelity is one more reason that could harm the institution of marriage. Both men and women, who are quite possessive, would be repelled when they come to know about extra-marital relationships, leading to separation. Physical incompatibility is the cause for break-up in several cases. Even loss of interest in sexual relationship after some time could lead to a break-up of the marriage. Finally, the conflict in tastes and interests that appeared insignificant before the marriage starts to take a larger picture in married life. Disagreements increase, resulting in final separation. Even though it would look absurd if we list reasons for not getting married, we could list the reasons that break-up marriage. Over-spending by the wife and living beyond the man�s income Continuous nagging, comparing the man to others more successful, and giving unwarranted advice Infidelity Physical incompatibility or sharp decrease in sexual interest Conflict in tastes and interests leading to disagreements and fight

-lovesession

Get the Right Man - 6

So far, we've: created a very fulfilling life; learned to recharge our batteries and take care of ourselves so we have energy to put into our relationships; learned how men look at dating and marriage; looked at attracting men and the importance of sticking with what you're comfortable with, instead of trying to impress him; how to manage sex by respecting our intuition; and gotten a more realistic, research-centered perspective on what works and doesn't work in marriage.

Now for the final step:
techniques for keeping the man of your dreams at your side for life.

As mentioned, it is extremely important to make a point of addressing issues when they arise. However, blaming, being condescending, and other judgmental are not only useless, but highly predictive of failure.
Instead, often simply stating feelings is enough. Practice saying the works, "I feel." "I feel sad... lonely... attacked... unhappy." Men live to make their women happy. That is one of the main reasons why they don't respond well to criticism - they feel inadequate. Men want to be their wife's hero. Allowing them to respond to your feelings, find a solution themselves (instead of having one suggested), and working to make their wives happy (rewarded by her happiness and smiling face) makes him a modern-day hero.

One of the keys to pursuing your own passions and having your own friendships is that you will not be needy and dependent on him. He will know that you have a lot going on. He knows that if he doesn't schedule a date and calls you last minute, you're probably out with your friends - so he calls in advance to schedule dates (this doesn't mean disrespecting him by getting drunk and flirting with guys, but a night out with the ladies, dinner and a movie, is appropriate fun). You also don't beg him for time alone. Just as it is important for you to have time with your friends, he must have time with his. That time he has, and the freedom you give him to have it, gives him time to miss you. Since you are busy, too, and he's missing you on his boy's night, you'll certainly see enough of him other nights. While it is important for a man to contribute to the household, it is also very important for you to watch for moments when your insecurity comes out.
Instead of setting a curfew like a mother would, at those times when you feel pangs of jealousy or insecurity, ask yourself, "Have I sacrificed my dreams lately? When was the last time I pursued my hobbies or saw my friends?"
Don't make excuses for lack of time - take action.

One difference between men and women is mental processing. Women tend to need a certain about of social time, often with other women, to help them process thoughts and feelings. Men, on the other hand, tend to need time along. Depriving a man of his "alone time" takes away his ability to recharge in the way he needs to. Attempting to force a man to "open up" will only make the process take longer. When a man feels that he is being analyzed or judged, he is far less likely to open up. Men need to feel safe, and have his thoughts and feelings validated and accepted, before he feels comfortable opening up to a woman. However, he still needs time alone, and women need to learn to respect this in the same way that men must respect a woman's need to have social interaction with other women. For a marriage to last, men must feel safe being able to express thoughts and feelings, particularly sadness.

The keys to dealing with your partner in relationship conflicts is expressing feelings and using the word "Regardless" - or withdrawing attention. "Regardless" is important, because no one can argue logic against emotion. However, while you may feel very emotional, take it out with exercise, talking to friends, or in other ways. Your conversation with your partner, even while expressing emotion, should be extremely calm and without visible emotion. Here are some examples:

A man is calls you up at the last minute, asking for a late date. It will obviously lead to a late dinner, or more likely, a booty call. For whatever reason, you happen to be free that night - but of course, you were not waiting for his call as he hadn't scheduled a date. You simply had decided to stay in that night to pamper yourself. You ask him to drive over to your house. He insists you drive to his. You feel internal doubt... trust that instinct. Inside, you can tell he's trying to weasel from you what he can get at his convenience. Response? Withdraw attention. "Will you drive over here?" "No, you come to my house," he says. "It seems like tonight just won't be convenient for me. Perhaps we can get together next week." By not allowing him to disrespect you, particularly for sex, you show him you will stand up for yourself. Seeing that you won't let him get away with a more minor jerky-thing, he's less likely to be more of a jerk to you in the future, and will certainly respect you much more. A true jerk will show his true colors here - but the average guy will say, "Sorry, let's go on a real date next week." Expect your man to treat you well and he will.

A man is not contributing around the home. Go to him and say,
"I feel sad." [this is the base emotion, which will elicit compassion.]
"Why?" he'll ask.
"Because I feel overworked."
"But I'm working hard, too," he says.
"Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel a sense of unfairness." [Notice the focus is still on feelings, which can not be argued with.]
"But I took out the garbage last week!"
"I really appreciate that. Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel like I do more." He can no longer argue. He sighs.
"What if I started doing the dishes every other night."
"Oh! That would be great - but that feels overly complicated. Every other night. I would still feel burdened overall."
"Ok, every night."
"Oh, thank you so much! What a great idea! You're the best, sweetie!" Sparkle. Smile. Hug him. Thank him. Practice well - research has shown that if you want to be a successful parent, you'll need to reward your kid's chores (yes, the ones they're supposed to do without encouragement!) with the same enthusiasm. And you should be enthusiastic. Becoming complacent and not showing appreciation is a very negative trait.

Now - sit back, and let him do it. He may do it later than you want. He may do it differently than you want. But don't touch those dishes, and expect them to be done- they will be. Then kiss him and smile - that's all he wants, to be your hero. Notice, clearly you don't suggest the solution. He comes up with it himself. Most importantly, you have to allow him to do it his way, even if he loads the dishes in a less that optimal way, he still did it and is your hero! This is the only part that may seem artificial to some - but it shouldn't be.

First, because researchers have shown how important support is for behavior modification. But mostly because you should appreciate what your partner does for you, and that appreciation is an important part in showing the type of support and affection research has shown to be so important in a marriage.
Note: if you are changing your strategy mid-relationship to a more mature manner of interacting, do not be surprised if you find conflict increasing before it settles down. You are changing the rules, which can be uncomfortable for him.

Never treat your partner like a child - don't talk down to him, don't give him unsolicited advice, don't cast judgement on him, don't give him curfews or try to control him.

Agree, if anything, to disagree about the way he does things. But accept the man as he is, appreciate him for who he is, don't try to change him. If you can't resist the urge, let him go for another girl who will appreciate him for him, not for what you consider to be his "potential."

These important concepts are really about staying mature, respecting him, and expecting mutual respect. They have also been shown to be highly successful. By managing your own energy, time, and emotion, you will find the ability to be the stronger emotional force in the relationship leading to a lasting love and respect for the both of you. =)

Get the Right Man - 5

When it comes to sexual behavior within a relationship, often women do get involved before they are truly ready. Men tend to respect women who wait until they are ready, because men tend to suspect that women who don't wait are either not respecting their own desire to wait or suspect that they are the type who might cheat on him. As it concerns serious relationships, the period before sex occurs is the courting period for men. Many men also enjoy a woman who allows them the opportunity to court her.
One thing, please do sex after marriage, its the best way for healthy relationship. You will know, wheter you love him or her with a pure heart or not.
The period of dating before sex can be a very fun time to get to know your partner. This period is pressure-free for both parties, as no commitment has been made. For that reason, it can be beneficial to allow yourself to just sit back and date, having no expectations of a relationship or sex until you feel that you really know the personality of the person you are dating. This can help you to leave a relationship you don't think will turn out well without being too emotionally involved to have a clear head about it.
Every couple is different. Some people spend a day together and feel that they have known each other for their whole lives. Some people warm to each other gradually. In general, relaxing, having fun, really getting a strong grip of the other person, and just dating before sex can help to reduce both the man's fear of committing to a relationship before he is ready, establish your own insistence on being respected, and allow either party to back out if they realize after a few weeks that the relationship will not work.

While each person will find their own time when they feel comfortable initiating sex, there are some hints which may help the decision to be made. Some of the best advice that can be given is based on experience of others who have been though the situation and either are happy with their decision or can point to reasons why they regretted it. These are, of course, simply opinions, and only you can make your final decision. One of the largest obstacles in the decision is the fact that sex can have the effect of bonding two people emotionally in a way that makes it more difficult to separate based on logic after sex has occurred.
Thats why we should do sex only after marriage.

First, the decision should be made when you feel completely comfortable in every way, trusting the man, and not having any unresolved doubts about him. It should be made before the night you anticipate initiating sex, not "on the spot". You should feel that you really know and understand him, beyond how he acts when he is on "good behavior" - in other words, that he is unreserved and you "connect" with him. Your decision should not be effected by his desires for sex. While the early months of a relationship can be extremely emotionally exciting due to a large number of hormonal factors, it is important not to ignore doubts you may have about the man and how he treats you. Are you with this person because of him, or are you thinking, "Well, it would be hard to find someone else?" If you dating this person while specifically looking for a husband, think about whether you would actually be friends with this person and respect them if you no longer had such intense emotions towards them. Make sure you are not tempted to get engaged with sex just because you are looking for affection from him.

In general, it is important to remember that chemistry and emotions can cloud judgment at times. Therefore waiting (depending on how well you get to know him and how often you see him) for a marriage will have the benefits of not only allowing you to objectively evaluate your true thoughts on the man, but also to show him that you respect yourself and do not fall for "lines" or pressure. This is an excellent precedent to establish early in a relationship. However, if you feel you need to wait longer, do wait longer, or perhaps end the relationship if you still have doubts after 6 months or so (however, the younger you are, the longer you should wait. No longer how sure both of you are about marriage and a future, it is always intelligent to wait until you are 18, as people do change quite a bit from year to year at that age). Waiting for this length of time does have the added benefit of getting rid of men who are only interested in sex.

(Side note: While this may seem conservative, the writers have learned some of the following advice the hard way.) Until you have made the decision to marriage, out of respect for him and his emotions, it is smart to politely stay out of his house and keep him out of yours, saying goodbye at the door, and not listening when he asks to "cuddle". It is important to be nice and friendly about it, but firm. If you are waiting to have sex, it is only fair to avoid teasing him by resisting the temptation to: remove clothing; invite him to stay overnight; sleep with him; touch him in a sexual way; make overt suggestions about sex; or see him in private. Once you have made the decision to have sex with him, any and all of these things are fair game and will be interpreted as a "go" sign by him.

Sexual activity can be fun, bonding, and fulfilling. It can also cause you to bond prematurely with someone you're not sure about, get pregnant with someone you're not ready to commit to, or contract a sexually transmitted disease. Remember to stay confident, wait until you're ready, not expose yourself to intimate situations before you've made the decision to get intimate, and use protection. Remember, even when screening, you may end up having sex with someone that later hurts you. This is an unfortunate situation, but you do have to expect respect, keep pursuing your passions, get support from your friends, and move on with your life, allowing time to heal the wounds. Do not punish future men with the mistakes of one man.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without a disagreement now and then.However, a lot of promising research that has emerged from the institutions is giving our society a better idea of what behavior leads to healthy marriages. Surprisingly, the number of arguments a couple has is not the issue at hand. In fact, it was found that all couples have some unresolved issues, but successful couples are comfortably able to live with these issues.

Suppressing emotions and pretending there is no problem causes some of the highest rates of divorce. Contempt, eye rolling, discounting the other person's opinion, and showing disrespect are also extremely predictive of marriage failure. Men are especially sensitive to criticism, and criticism and harshness towards men is a high predictor of divorce. Living together has been show to have no relationship to eventual marital success (and may even have a negative effect).

"Flooding" a man with emotions is a high predictor of divorce. Talk to friends first, organize your thoughts, and focus on simply expressing your feelings instead of judgments. Instead of "You always..." say, "I felt sad or hurt or angry..."

Couples who end up being successful, while in love, are not the couples who get married while still "starry-eyed". In fact, those couple are more likely to divorce. The strongest couples have settled down from the initial hormone rush to a more stable love before marriage. However, loss of love and affection is a more important determinant of divorce than conflict. According to one article covering Gottman's work, "Those who remained happily married were very "in love" and affectionate as newlyweds. They showed less ambivalence, expressed negative feelings less often and viewed their mate more positively than other couples. Most important, these feelings remained stable over time." From "WILL YOUR MARRIAGE LAST? A NEW QUIZ REVEALS THAT THE NEWLYWED YEARS CAN PREDICT THE LONG-TERM OUTCOME OF ALMOST EVERY MARRIAGE" By Aviva Patz, Psychology Today. April 23, 2000.

Honesty, intimacy, and realism are important, and "whirlwind romances" rarely make it. Teenage marriages have 2-3 times the likelihood of divorce and waiting until age 22 to marry significantly decreases chance of divorce (however, waiting too long also has a negative influence on divorce rates and may signal overly picky behavior). The highest success is found between the ages of 23 to 27 (University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn. National Fatherhood Initiative).

Premarital classes cut divorce rates by about a third. Similarity in values, backgrounds, and goals are a good predictor of success. College education is also a very strong predictor. Among educated people who wait until after college to marry, divorce rates are well below the national average of about 50%.One important aspect that has emerged from the Gottman Institute is the importance of refusing to engage in overly emotional disagreements. When involved in arguments with a man, it is essential for you to maintain personal dignity. You should be more calm when arguing that you even are normally. While this is not quite fair, someone must be proactive and mature. Reasoning with a partner will only cause emotional withdrawal, which is, again, a high predictor for divorce. Over time, rising above and refusing to engage in volatile arguments will teach your partner to hold himself to a higher standard. At the very least, he will certainly respect you for not allowing him to disrespect you. If a fight begins to emerge, simply state, "I care about you and your opinion, but I will not have an emotionally charged argument with you. I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and come back (tonight, tomorrow, etc) to discuss this." This allows you to reassure him but still not allow yourself to be subjected to disrespect.

Another important factor, in research from Shelly Gable, shows that reactions to events in the partners life are highly predictive of success as well. In fact, Gable went as far as to say that the only "correct" reaction was an enthusiastic one praising the partner for positive developments, but added that an occasional passive reaction would not cause divorce.

With the benefit of research, we now have a more realistic view of how marriage works. Emotional maturity, including resisting the urge to attack a man or flood him with emotion, are high predictors of success. Working constructively to address and resolve conflict instead of avoiding it, valuing your partner's opinions and emotions, and accepting irreconcilable differences are also strong indicators for success. Waiting until after college and a realistic image of your partner are also very important. With this realistic, research-based view of marriage, you have stronger tools to build a trusting base for your relationship.

How to Be a Great Husband

How to Be a Great Husband

This is the most challenging and rewarding things you'll ever do.

A woman needs to feel as though she is the love of your life.

Steps

1. Enjoy pleasing her.
Women need to feel appreciated. Verbal appreciation goes a long way in making a woman feel valued.
A wife likes to know that you feel lucky to be married to her.

2. Have as your goal for each small interaction of your day, to leave her with a good feeling.
Be supportive. Be considerate. Be kind. Be respectful at all times.

3. Try to understand her needs.
Ask her what they are and show her that you fully understand what makes her happy. A woman likes nothing more than an understanding and an equally compromising husband.

4. Tell her you love her when you hang up the phone with her, leave her, and generally as much as possible without being annoying or cheapening the phrase.
You never know when your time is up so always remember to make sure she knows how much you love her!

5. Always greet your wife with a hug and kiss that says that you're happy to see her and do the same when you leave her to say you will miss her.

6. Find new ways to express your love other than with kisses and the words "I love you."
Tell her what you love about her, what makes her special, what you appreciate. This will help your love to grow as well as hers.

7. Be her greatest supporter.
Be someone she knows that she can always count on. Be there for her when she has had a long day. Listen to her with attentive eyes and ears. Back her up "100" percent! Be prepared to talk with her about how she feels, and yes, how you feel too. And always protect her, both physically and emotionally. If you have done something to hurt her, even if you didn't mean to, tell her you are sorry and show her affection. This must be sincere! There's nothing worse than an "I'm sorry that is put on or phoney.

8. Talk to her about things that interest you, too -- don't worry too much that she'll be bored -- she'll be thrilled that you want to share your hobbies with her.
If possible, try to find an aspect of your interest that she can join in with (if she doesn't already). The efforts you make to help her enjoy what you enjoy will pay off enormously!

9. Nurture your wife.
Little things go a long way! For example, making breakfast, making her coffee/cocoa, giving her back rubs; anything to make her feel comfy and loved. Remind her that you find her attractive in different ways.
#Understand that your personal relationship should be more important to you than your other family members, work etc. This is especially true in blended families where there is a tendency for parents to defend their kids against their new spouse. If you put your kids ahead of your wife, she will never engage with them and they won't respect either of you. She is your partner in all things.
Treat her as such. If you're worried about looking independent in front of them, then talk with your wife and set clear expectations about what decisions you can make without each other, and what decisions must absolutely be discussed.
But also, ask yourself why you feel you should look independent instead of married. It may not be hard to say "Let me talk this over with my other half".

10. Wash the dishes!
Don't make her nag you into doing your share of the housework. Identify what your share is and then stick to it regularly. Don't wait for her to remind you.
This makes her feel like a nag, and it creates an adult/child relationship. Show her she can count on you to get things handled, especially the more labor intensive things like mowing the lawn. Keep up the house in good repair. Generally, women like their homes to look nice, particularly from the outside.

11. Don't show her even the mildest forms of contempt.
Contempt is poison in a relationship. You don't have to act like you like what she said or did, but do not take on an attitude of superiority, even subtly in passing, such as momentary smirking, sighs of disgust or eye-rolling.
Such gestures, though seemingly insignificant, deeply show a lack of support, respect and trust, especially over a period of time. The way you naturally act towards her should subtly validate her as a person, even when you do not understand or agree with her. Giving eye contact when she has something important to tell you shows respect; not giving eye contact shows disrespect and that you don't care about her or what she has to say. This will destroy any attempt to communicate well.

12. Be honest! Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than dishonesty.
Even if its a little lie, an attempt to conceal pieces of information, avoiding telling her everything or not telling her where you're going or where you've been, it causes a disconnection. There can be no intimacy without complete honesty. You both feel it. It can utterly destroy the validity of anything else you say or do for her because if you lie about other things, she will surely not believe you when you say "I love you." So, don't lie.

Always tell her the whole truth.

Tips
* When she's upset, listen, listen, listen. Resist the urge to offer advice unless she asks for it, and don't get defensive. Just listen, and show her that you are trying to understand.

* Husbands and Wives live together but make sure you spend enough time on her turf as you do your own. Make her see that wherever you are you feel like home when you are with her.

* Women love a home-cooked meal. Find your inner Jacques Pépin.

* Offer your wife a massage, foot rub, or back scratch when she's had a bad day.

* Praise your wife in public, but if you notice something you'd like to criticize, please find a private moment. In public make sure everyone around you knows she is your girl! Hold hands whenever possible, kiss, hug, a tap on the butt. To her you are letting everyone know you're off the market.

* A nice romantic gesture goes a long way! Even if it's a little love note to start the day. Light some candles, run a hot bath, wash her hair. These are just a few ideas.

* Be aware that she may not perceive love the same way you do. Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, Verbal Affirmation, and Acts of Service are the different "Love Languages" you and your wife might have -- make sure you find out what hers is, and speak her "love language"!

* Show up at her work or home with just a flower or two; this will brighten her day and you will make her feel like she is the most important woman in the world.

* Discuss your values together and make sure that they are compatible before doing something permanent.

* Discuss your financial dreams together and research and plan to achieve them together.

* Continue spending time with her alone and cherishing her.

* Tell her you find her attractive and why.

* Never compare her to other women and never ogle them in front of her. In fact if you're tempted, switch your thoughts to her immediately and remind yourself that she is the one you desire.

* Always validate her feelings. Women often need to run through the gamut of feelings they have about things out loud in order to understand what it is they really feel about something. Let her do this without judging her and be empathetic instead of defensive or critical even if you don't agree or can't understand things the same way.

* Discuss her strengths.

* Make sure you continue to grow and change; you may drift apart, but you may also become a better and more exciting person with each growth spurt you undergo.

Warnings
Do not go overboard. She may start to get suspicious.

From WikiHow

How to Be a Great Wife

How to Be a Great Wife

You want to be a wonderful wife, but what does that mean? Ultimately, it's up to your and your husband to determine the needs of your relationship and how each partner can do their part to fulfill them, but here are some guidelines to start off with.

Steps

1. Be secure in yourself.
Putting yourself down in front of him is another way of insulting his taste in women. If he is with you, it's because he wants to be.
He will find you sexy even if you don't feel like it, if you act the part. Remember that attitude and willingness are large parts of being sexy.
Poor self-esteem and a "void" in your life is terrible for marriage. Make sure you still have a fun and interesting life. If your husband left tomorrow, would you still have girlfriends you see at least once a month, hobby clubs you go to, sports you play? If not, your husband will always be working to fill a void he can't, and will feel inadequate and unhappy.

2. Express, don't accuse.
Except in the rare event that your husband happens to be psychic, don't expect mind-reading powers. If you want something, ask. If something is wrong, say so. Don't drop hints or figure he'll "come around". Communicate calmly, clearly and directly. Relationships work best when women calmly express their current emotion without harping on what he has done. Frequently, a "I feel attacked" or "I feel sad" is all it takes for him to step back and ask, "Why?" Then simply say, "When you slammed the door, I felt ignored." Let "I feel" be your guide.

3. Don't expect the moon.
He needs to keep trying, you need to keep trying, but neither of you is perfect. Unmet expectations tend to frustrate everyone.
However, if you both keep working on your marriage, you will always be covered, even when one of you comes up a little short. If your expectations are truly too high or unrealistic, then set standards that are obtainable. For example, it is unfair to expect to be lavished with possessions and have the love of your life home for every meal. Should you want more together time, be prepared to have that desire fulfilled at some expense.

4. Pick your battles.
Nagging and nitpicking can damage a relationship. As long as the dishes are clean and unbroken, for instance, don't nag about how to load the dishwasher "the right way". Let him do things his own way. Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on what is important.

5. Keep your sex life interesting.
Be willing to try new things and discuss them--don't just turn them down immediately if he suggests something you don't find appealing. This may make him feel rejected. At least be willing to discuss it, and perhaps try it, but never do anything you are uncomfortable with after discussing it with him. Also, don't be afraid to discuss anything you might be interested in. Physical intimacy is as important to a marriage as emotional intimacy. Nurture them both.

6. Accept him.
Only by accepting him as he is, do you have such deep respect and gratitude for him that you would never want him to change in any way for you. He has so much to offer you if only you give him the space to be himself. He is a growing individual, just like you are. Help him grow in the direction that he chooses, and give him the chance to help you.

Tips
* Don't criticize your husband, not in his presence, not in his absence, not when you're in front of people, and not when you're alone together. Be supportive, encouraging, and compliment him as much as you can. This doesn't mean you shouldn't voice your concerns, but there's a difference between expressing your needs and criticizing his ability to meet them.


Warnings

* If you're forced to do things, if he hits you at all, if he tries to control who you see or demeans you, it's definitely not a good relationship. A real man gets what he wants without forcing. Talk things out or see a counsellor. If he turns violent, even once, make sure you're safe. Depending on the situation that might mean moving out, or calling the police, or telling someone what's happening - whatever you do, don't continue to suffer in silence, and don't accept abuse (physical or otherwise) in your relationship. Remember - he will come back, as loving as ever, and apologize again and again and again - and the violence escalates each time. Read How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship.

from WikiHow

Forgiveness in your marriage or relationship

Forgiveness and Letting Go in Your Marriage or Relationship

Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for a marriage relationship.

Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep yourself healthy both emotionally and physically.


Health Aspects of Forgiving
If you hold on to old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing a perceived hurt can eventually make it in to something more - hate and extreme bitterness.
Lack of forgiveness can wear you down.
Additionally, being unforgiving is not good for either our physical and mental well being.

How to Forgive
* Be open.

* Make a decision to forgive your spouse.

* When images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind, think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts.

* Don't throw an error or mistake back in your spouse's face at a later date. Don't use it as ammunition in an argument.

* Don't seek revenge or retribution. It will only extend the pain.

* Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression.

* Remember that forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the hurtful behavior.

* Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your spouse takes time. Don't try to hurry the process.

* If you continue to be unable to forgive, or you find yourself dwelling on the betrayal or hurt, please seek professional counseling to help you let go and forgive. Don't forget to praying for your marriage from your first time.

How to Ask for Forgiveness
* Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you've caused.
* Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your spouse again by repeating the hurtful behavior.
* Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt.
* Be open to making amends.
* Be patient with your spouse. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don't dismiss your spouse's feelings of betrayal by telling your spouse to "get over it."

Marriage Relationships Need Forgiveness

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has grumpy days. Many people say things they do not mean now and then.
Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven.

No relationship, especially a marriage relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness.

Even though you may find it find it difficult to forgive, being able to forgive is crucial in marriage.

Knowing When Enough is Enough (in relationship) If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to say enough is enough and to end your relationship. In these situations, forgiveness for the past hurts may take longer and that is okay.

Knowing When Enough is Enough (in marriage) If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to ask help from consultant or your spiritual leader.Don't forget to pray. By His grace, you will have more understanding about your self and your spouse, and how to make solution next time.

From Sheri & Bob Stritof, with additions in some parts.

True Love, is it hard to find it ?

By Whitneay T. Vanwells In our counseling work with our clients here at FusionMasters TM Ltd., we have run into one main issue that keeps repeating itself. That issue is 'how to find true love'. Below are some of the reasons that we have received from our clients that they have found to block them on their journey to find true love.

1. Mother and Father programs. We all had someone, or a group of someone's that raised us. They had problems that someone gave to them in their early childhood. These subconscious blocks and programs, are handed down, through day today contact with the same people. Depending on who raised you, and what they carried, you also have the identical blocks and programs in your subconscious mind. Regardless of the fact that you might have said: "No matter what, I will not be like THEM! You inwardly, copied their deep subconscious beliefs, and recorded it in your own mind. When 2 people get married, they are generally O.K. for about a year. It is after this time, that the subconscious blocks and programs start to surface. Even if you have a true love relationship, or that possibility, this will happen. Soon, you are wondering who the heck you married. "I didn't notice THAT when we were dating!" Is a common statement, that we hear. But, what you really don't like about your partner, is their Mother and Father blocks and programs, their subconscious childhood programming. This programming is part of the karmic burden, that they are working on in this life time. And, the problems begin in a relationship, when these programs start to surface so that the person can work through them. And, who do we play these old programs on, but the very person, we love and trust the most, our mate.

2. The Munchkins. Next, a little passenger shows up. The parent programs that you transferred to your partner, you are now also saying and doing to your child. Sad. This is what you swore that you would never, ever, do! You might stuff some these programs, but when they come out you don't like what you are saying and doing and worse yet, you can't seem to stop! Tears come, or a new drinking habit materializes, because you just can't take it. You are now beginning to realize that you have a big problem, and the problem is inside. You try to stop. But, you soon find, yourself repeating the same copied rage over, and over again. You might mistreat your mate, you might mistreat your children, and you hate yourself for what you are doing, and saying. Most of the population never do any work on themselves, and a few start, and soon give up on therapy. Only to become a hardening copy, of their own parents over time. Most stay within this loss of identity for life, believing that there is no way out. This is the mind's way of keeping control.

3. Self Hatred. When you are not able to be yourself, and to communicate as yourself, you soon start a struggle with your mind, and ego. My husband also had a struggle with his mind, and his parents inside of him. We were a dysfunctional couple, and our little family was also dysfunctional. Neither of us realized that the whole world was based on dysfunctional programs, that were handed down from parents to children. We didn't know that the difficulties that we were experiencing, the neighbors next door were dealing with as well. In our childhood homes we had learned about rage, self hatred, and self anger. When rage, and self hatred live inside of us it takes up the space where self love could exist.

4. Divorce.At some point you reach the conclusion that your marriage sucks, and that you want out of it. You might have slept with someone else, or you new, favorite past time, might be bitching about what a loser your partner is. All women have universal man hating programs, and they are notorious for complaining to other women about their spouse. New fantasies about having sex or a relationship with someone new might become common place. Soon, one of you, either yourself or your spouse, is more fed up than the other, and goes to see a lawyer and files for divorce. Let the games begin. During the divorce process, and after the divorce, you might fluctuate between sadness, and lashing out at your ex-spouse....the person that you once believed walked on water. Some how, in your confusion and pain, you forgot who your partner was, who you are, and who your children are. The problem is still inside.

5. The Warehouse. There is a second, Big 'D'. That would be known as depression. Depression, is really just another name for anger, and for feeling used, let down or betrayed. The trust was broken in the relationship but, most likely by both parties. A deep hurt prevails. At the center of this vast hurt, is what We call the "Warehouse". The warehouse is the store room of all your past life hurts and this life hurts. When we go through a big trauma, like a divorce, this warehouse opens up. That is why the pain can be excruciating. You are not only feeling the loss of love from the adult relationship dying, you are also feeling ALL of your childhood hurts, and even past life pain. The pain is excruciating, and over overwhelming. If you have abandonment issues, you might also feel, the severe loss of love, from your early childhood.

6. The Cross Roads. Now you come to a new place in your life. You can continue to create more of the same, and end up going through a second divorce with someone that will most likely be very much like your first partner........Or. You might turn to a new religion. This may not be a religious path like becoming a member of the Catholic Church. This is a new, inner, religion is to find out: "Who The Heck Am I?" This is not an ordinary religion. This religion has to do with finding the true altar within, your true Self. You looked for you, in money, and for some reason, you weren't there. You looked for you, in your work, and again, you were not there. You looked for you in a life partner, and the above story blew that away. But, some place, inside of you, on one of those very dark nights, when you thought you might be better off to just "check out", something very good happened. Maybe in the dark of the night, came one of those Great Souls from the other side, who whispered gentle divine messages to you. Messages, that you thought were your own thoughts. Whatever method Spirit chose to talk to you, you were given the gift of 'the cross roads'. The cross roads, is the realization that you have the choice to either create more chaos in your life or that you can turn your attention towards discovering your own identity.

7. The Seeker. Perhaps you have come to this web site, because you are looking. You are looking for love, or your are looking for self love. You might have been on the path for a long time, or maybe a year or two. You might just be starting to look for you, now. You have many battle scars on your heart, but you forge ahead. You are now, 10 times the person that you were when you were a small child, though you may not be at all aware of the changes in yourself. To become the receiver of love, you know that you will have to work on learning to give real love. You might be a meditator, a member of a new age religion, or you have attended a ton of personal growth seminars. You might be at a point where you could give a seminar. And, it would most likely be a good one. You have been through many battles of the ego, and you have won battles, and others, you are still fighting. You finally realized that to have, and keep true love, that you had to develop a love relationship with YOU, first. You are now the Knight, no matter if you are male or female, and you are ready to receive true love.

8. Is Some Body Out There! You are now a prime candidate for a true love relationship. But, there is one last hurdle, to jump over. Because of all of the work that you have done on your SELF, you are now too far above the majority of the population. You are not willing to accept a partner that has not done the same work, that you have done. That would be going down hill. And, people like you, are very hard to find. Celibacy, is not your cup of tea. You miss touch terribly. But, you would rather be celibate, and have a great time in the shower, than hook up with a partner, that doesn't know who the heck THEY ARE. But, you realize that you are on the last part of your Journey and you also know that you only need 1 person, and only 1, and that they are out THERE. And, they are looking for YOU.

9. True Love. By now, you might have learned to love, and care for yourself. You get bummed out sometimes but you know that everyone does. You take responsibility for your emotions, and your life. You care about you. You might even know something about unconditional love. You are now ready, so in walks your life partner ... Like attracts like, and like you, they are thrilled. They knew that they had to do their homework. They knew about the cross roads, and the effort that it takes to become a magnet for love. Like you, they found the religion of the Self, and worked hard to unravel the ego. Like you, they would not settle for less, they waited, and searched. Like you, they are in ecstasy, knowing that they really have found "The One" - YOU! You are realizing a dream, your wish made manifest after so many painful years of searching. Now, the 2 of you can share the real Journey, the Journey Home to God.


Your Life Journey, might have other twists than the above story. You might have loved yourself enough to NOT have to go through some of these stages. Maybe you went through them in another life. You might be experiencing one of these stages right now. You might have already found true love. For those of those of you that have found true love, you already have your Blessings. For those of you, who are on the Journey to find your True Love....... you have ours.