Well, guess what? Men can see that, too. And that internal void scares men away like nothing else. Men pursue their dreams. Because of that, many men go through life fulfilled, not needing women, simply enjoying sex, until one day around age 25 or 30 they feel ready to settle down and find a wife.
On the other hand, very often women just pursue men instead of their dreams. That leaves a big gap. That puts all the responsibility for satisfaction in your life on a man. And that leads to the desperate, dramatic, and clingy behaviors that men run away from and that women hate when they see it in themselves. One of the biggest issues in sustaining a healthy relationship is developing a balanced use of your own time and especially your energy.
The habits necessary for a good relationship are essential to practice now, before you have a partner. You must, each week of your life, throughout your life:
a) take some time for work, whether it be furthering your career, bringing home the bacon, advancing your education;
b) have positive experiences with him, whether it be a weekly date night (without the kids) or, during exceptionally busy periods, checking in before he goes to sleep, giving him a kiss when he gets home, and asking him how his day went;
c) Time to regain your energy. Every single week. In order to truly be a good spouse and good mother, you owe it to your children to take the time to revitalize. Whether it means you need a babysitter once a week or whether your husband or friends take care of the kids, you need time, alone, each week relaxing. Cheap or expensive, whether it be by getting a massage (maybe from your sweetheart!), gardening, painting, going to Starbucks with a friend, whatever fills you with energy; Next,
d) Pursuing your passions. Whether it's garden club, hiking club, scrap booking - whatever it is, you must make an unwaivering commitment to it. Sure, a couple times a year, you'll miss a meeting; but you need to commit to it. Committing to it will, again, give you passion for your life and help the men in your life (especially your children) to respect you. There is no need to get emotional about this commitment.
Just calmly explain that you get energy from this commit to allow yourself to be a better wife and mother. Finally,
e) Time with friends. This is something both you and your love need. Some of this time can be spent as two couples together; but the most important time you can spend is with your "girlfriends," connecting as women (in the same way as he needs to connect to men). Do not expect your husband to bear the brunt of your emotions.
Emotions are something that women tend to understand best. While it is important to be able to connect emotionally with your partner, it is far more important to have a safe, open group of friends that you can connect to as well, if not every week, every other week. The excuse of time is simply not applicable here.
People who properly revitalize themselves through "alone" time, relaxation, and time with friends have enough energy to accomplish all of this, each week, while still maintaining a healthy family life and job.
For help with this, check out the book, "The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal". If you truly feel you cannot accomplish this in any given week, schedule it in so you accomplish it within every 2-week period.There is, however, one last step. The step you perhaps avoid. The step you want to do, but somehow always find it hard to.
Exercise. Exercise, that source of agony - but also a source of energy. Something you'll find, once you commit to it for a month, will be something you start looking forward to. But don't look at exercise as a step to losing weight. Instead of a goal of, "I want to lose 5 lbs this month," set a goal of "I want to walk for 20 minutes, 2 times a week, every week this month. If I miss a day or two, that's ok, I'll just start right up again." You'll never need to do more than 20 minutes of cardio (if you want more challenge, try interval training) - and once you've been staying strong with your 20 minutes each week, perhaps get a personal trainer or very knowledgeable friend who can help you put together a 20-minute strength training routine. Add 10 minutes of stretching, and you've got all the exercise you need, 2-3 times a week. Don't allow your friend or trainer to over-burden you, however.
Don't even think about weight loss.
Focus only on building a habit and making it consistent.
Success will be looking back on your calendar and saying, "I didn't miss one of my eight workouts this month!"
Yes, exercise will make you look better. But it will also make you healthier, more energetic, more vibrant, more mentally cued in, and happier!
Plus you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you are doing a good thing for yourself. This step is extremely important for building a natural sense of self-discipline and confidence. If either of these is an issue for you, try getting involved in a challenge course.So now you know what you need to accomplish each week. Great! It will take some time to get to the point where you fully incorporate it, however. And once you do find a man, you will have to have the strength to say, "I'm sorry; I can't do it tonight. I already scheduled something else. Perhaps next week?"
This first section will take some time to develop. Even then, it is a lifelong process. You must develop the strength to do it, getting stronger and stronger over time.
When a man comes across a woman with a fulfilled, satisfied life, who stands by what she does and shows she puts herself first so that she has enough energy to love and respect those around her, shows that she values herself and doesn't need a man to fulfill her
(only having a man in her life because she loves HIM specifically, not because she NEEDS any man),
a man will be very, very hesitant to do anything that would let her leave. So commit to pursuing your passions and dreams. You are worth it.
And if you want a truly wonderful man, you owe it to him to discover how to energize and revitalize yourself, so instead of draining him, you are a constant source of energy in the relationship. For yourself, and for your relationship, even if you are extremely poor and must find very cheap sources of passion and excitement, make a commitment today to take the next 60 days and focus, each day, on fulfilling each of the steps above, from pursuing your passions to taking time for yourself
So - it's been a month or two. You've worked each day on building a more fulfilling life. You find satisfaction in it. You realize that, the more satisfaction you're getting out of your life, the more consistently you exercise, the more energy you have to do well at work, at home, and in relationships. You're learning to take time for yourself and not feel guilty. You're beginning to see a difference in your life - you're more confident, you see people respecting you more, and perhaps you're even building a larger social network. There was some resistance from friends or family - but you recognized that they wished they were also doing what you were and kept going.
Sure, time management was hard at first - but by renewing your energy and checking out a couple books, now you feel like you have more time than ever! You're a better partner, a better worker, and feel like a new woman. Congratulations!
-continue to Get the Right Man -3
What do you want out of your personal life? Do you just want one short-term relationship after another? Are you waiting for the right guy to come along?
Well even if he does you probably won't even know it. Outlined below are the exact steps you need to make yourself into a vibrant, interesting, fun person; attract the man of your dreams; and help him commit to you. Please be patient and receptive.
Even if some ideas are "old news" to you, you will certainly learn a thing or two by the time you finish reading! The first few steps for finding a man are the most difficult ones. These are the steps that, when not attended to, will appear over and over again throughout the marriage, leading to arguments, suffering, or perhaps divorce. It's the one many women feel the most resistance to.
The reason for this? It requires not only time and energy, but a little bit of risk - by pursuing your desires or even just allowing yourself to dream, you expose yourself to the possibility of not getting them. Of trying and failing. And often, it's easier to say you don't want something because if you don't try, you never run the risk of being a failure.
The true failures in life, however, are people who end up resenting their lives or those around them because they never got the guts to go for their dreams. People don't regret failure. At the end of life, people regret the things they always wanted but never tried to do. Part of the resistance you feel will simply be because many women feel selfish pursuing their own passions.
However this self-sacrificing practice has been shown in research to be a high predictor for divorce. Sure, you will want to resist - but perhaps you should admit that you truly deserve to allow yourself to give this a shot, because in truth, you want a man who has done the same thing.
And, to tell you the truth, most men you would be attracted to do all of this without being asked, without feeling guilty for it - because it is not something to feel guilty about. The first thing to keep in mind as we begin to go over the concepts below is how men operate. (There are, of course, both feminine and masculine people of both genders.
For ease of use, we say "men and women" hereafter, but this can easily be applied to a "male or female" version of either sex, as typically, regardless of the sex, masculine energy is typically attracted to feminine. Here, we're referring to the masculine energy when we say "men".) On the average, men love action. They love doing. When something interests them, they'll do it. That makes them interesting and revitalizes them when they're drained - so they don't feel guilty about it. They have full lives, fun friends, great gadgets - all these things make men interesting to women. (Even when women hate their man's friends, these friends are typically a source of carefree fun for men.)
The second thing to keep in mind is the purpose of a relationship. Relationships - whether friendship or romantic - are first and foremost about someone who you enjoy being around. It's really that simple. When relationships deteriorate, it's because the people no longer enjoy each other. It is not enjoyable to be around anyone who is not respectful or who you can't trust. Even people who you may feel chemistry with are not always people who can make you happy. So to start the process -
Begin by just clearing the room of distractions and sitting down to imagine this scenario. Really sit back. Take a deep breath. Relax. Allow yourself to stop the resistance within you and just breathe. After taking just enough time to do this step, you can go back to your life and doubts. Now - imagine the following without fear or doubt.
Imagine - just for a moment - you had all the money in the world, no responsibilities at all, and anything you could want. The only work you have to do in this dream is work you choose to do because you enjoy it. Now - imagine what you would do each day, every day. You can have any position you want (from secretary to construction to lawyer to charity work), any hobbies you want (from woodcutter to runner). You can travel (France, Italy, China, Japan).
You can play any music instrument you like (guitar, piano, mandolin, drums), participate in any sport (soccer, kayaking, running, strength training), read anything (from science to literature), write anything (novels, poetry, music), do anything you want out in nature (hiking, studying herbs, birdwatching), have any type of spiritual experiences or just meditation, even just something as simple as gardening if you want. Make a list of all of the things you would do with your free time if you had the chance.
Next, make a list of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences you want. Traveling somewhere, skydiving, white water rafting, anything at all. The things you want to do before you die. Write down anything else you have passion for, you find fascinating, you really wish you were involved in.
Look at the lists in front of you. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Yeah, but I could never do that, because... (time, money, I'm scared, my mother, etc)." And that's the exact thought process that people have who never really find themselves satisfied. Instead, look at those things, go back over them, and circle 10 that bring an emotional response within you, that really strongly appeal to you regardless of how unattainable they are. Now, instead of saying, "I can't because..." say, "I will, and here's the plan!"
That exact attitude - known as the "winner's attitude" has been shown, again and again, to produce results. Now perhaps select one or two that are really impossible - becoming President (change it to getting involved in politics or studying politics, whatever fulfills your desire), for example, or stopping time.
Accept the possibility that you might not get them. But for all the others, NEVER accept the possibility that you will not try - because that is simply you giving up on yourself. 8. Those ten items you have written down - those are the keys. Those speak to you. Those things - as you begin to learn to do them, save money for them, study for them, work for them, whatever your plan may be, no matter how long you have to wait for them - those 10 things (AND the pursuit of them!) are what your passions are, what will make you interesting, vibrant, and full of youth - the very qualities you need to find a man.
The uncompromising pursuit of the things that inspire you will show a man that you have interests beyond just him - that, in itself, will make you interesting. Pursuing those passions is what we call "having a life" - an essential when you want a man to respect you. Now, yes, you may not get all 10. And you certainly should not take financial risks you cannot afford to lose for them (although making some sacrifices in daily expenditure can help).
But you will certainly find it very possible to commit to doing one or two as hobbies each week, even if the process of trying to learn them is embarrassing, even if your family won't support you, even if a guy asks you to schedule a date during that time. And especially, you will have one or two which you will work during your life to achieve, making a commitment to go skydiving or visit Italy no matter how many years it will take. You can do what you are "supposed to do" at work, if you want. But those 10 things - of those, hold on strongly to pursuing 5 of them for your whole life, or until you find you are no longer passionate about them. Because by making your dreams and passions a priority, you show a man that you believe your dreams matter. And because of that, he will respect you and believe your dreams matter, perhaps trying to help you achieve them.
If you're still wrestling with the feeling that you cannot do these things, there are experts in every possible field out there that have found a way to combat that excuse. Just go out and find a book to get you started. Here are some resources to help you. If you think you don't have enough time (everyone's favorite excuse!) check out flylady.net. If you think you do not have enough money, check out the books, "The Automatic Millionaire," "Miserly Moms," or "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". If you feel you are two shy, realize that it is not something you have to live with forever - that many people have overcome - and make a pledge to get rid of it. Start by just getting into the habit breathing, of being relaxed, then waiting no longer than 3 seconds to just say "hello" to people.
Next, make a point of going to public places each week and saying "hello" to 10 strangers a week. Gradually increase that to 20. Move on, when you're comfortable, to having simple conversations about things that do not involve either of you personally - usually a comment on the environment you're in. You'll learn overtime to deal with just about any personality type and learn not to care too much about what people think of you. Whatever else you find holding you back, face your fears, again and again, until you no longer fear them.
At this point, you might be saying - "Hey, I'm here to find a man!" Yup, you're right. But all of these steps are essential for combating one of the largest issues on the female side of relationships - the feeling of a void in your life that we incorrectly think is because of the lack of a man.
Well, guess what? Men can see that, too. And that internal void scares men away like nothing else. Men pursue their dreams. Because of that, many men go through life fulfilled, not needing women, simply enjoying sex, until one day around age 25 or 30 they feel ready to settle down and find a wife. On the other hand, very often women just pursue men instead of their dreams. That leaves a big gap. That puts all the responsibility for satisfaction in your life on a man. And that leads to the desperate, dramatic, and clingy behaviors that men run away from and that women hate when they see it in themselves.
continue to Get the Right Man-2
Finding a guy is one thing, but keeping him around is another. Both are important steps. But what are some of the secrets of women who find men willing to commit?
This is not an all-encompassing guide, but it may be a start in helping you develop deeper relationships.
Steps
1. Love yourself.
If you're not happy with who you are then don't expect others will be. Analyze yourself and change what you don't like. Positive self-esteem is key.
2. Know your role.
An important part of any relationship is making both partners aware that they have a crucial and indispensable role to play.
3. Be emotionally grounded.
Life with you should not be a roller coaster ride. Men generally like women who are stable, and vice versa.
Sometimes this is a difficult task in our hectic lives, but it is not impossible. If you find yourself referred to as a "drama queen" in more than one instance, seek help and guidance in relaxing your nerves and calming your emotions.
4. Men are often slower to commit because they are very careful about getting to know a woman before they commit to her.
They date first before becoming a boyfriend, they stay a boyfriend first before getting engaged. This is often hard for women, but there is a lesson to be learned from it. They make sure (as women should) that they feel compatible on all levels. This process must happen at its own pace. Pressuring a man to make a decision before he feels he knows you will inevitably lead him to doubt. Don't talk about marriage until either he brings it up or it's been about a year.
5. Keep dating fun, as it should be.
If dating goes well, and your interactions are positive, he'll want you to be his girlfriend. If he builds experience with you and sees you as a person he wants to be with forever, he will get more serious about his future and work, start considering longer-term goals such as buying a home, and begin to discuss the future more and more. Only once he has made a decision about you and feels prepared and mature enough to propose will he do so.
6. Show confidence.
Be sure of yourself, and ready to tackle whatever is before you. Many men love confident women. How can a man not feel privileged when he earns the esteem of a woman who values herself so highly?
7. Show endearment with class.
A certain look. A scratch on the back. A soft kiss. Nothing "clingy" or inappropriate.
8. Appreciate a man's strengths.
And tell him so, even if he's already prideful. Then support him when he is at his best, and avoid nagging or berating him when he is at his worst.
9. Be fun.
This sounds basic, but it's a critical factor in any relationship. Have a sense of humor. Don't be uptight or negative.
10. Overflow with joy.
Women who are glad to be alive and are enjoying every minute of it may be irrepressibly attractive to men.
11. Glow.
If the warmth of your heart is written all over your face, and your feelings for your guy show in the sparkle in your eyes, you will melt him. This is what removes all doubt - it's the important "silver bullet".
12. Practice humility.
A humble person is not someone who downplays herself; it is a person who controls her ego and shows a genuine interest in others.
13. Date.
It may not be obvious, but you actually have to go out on dates with a man and commit to a relationship before he will propose. The term "date" in modern culture is vague and sometimes redefined as something more than it is. Simply converse with a man and get to know more about each others' lives.
14. Don't assume.
Some men wait slightly longer than you might want before they ask. If he is really worth marrying, you should be willing to wait (within reason). But if he is uninterested (or worse, making excuses) even after a long period of time, you need to reevaluate the direction of your relationship. Remember, great romances are not built on bargaining and ultimatums - in the best marriages the man is the one initiating conversations about marriage. Sometimes allowing a man to lead the direction of a relationship is in-line with your desires. Try it, you'll like it.
15. Remember that romance runs both ways.
If you want to be respected and treated as an equal, do the same for him. Be romantic. Make him want to be in this relationship. Don't be a cheapskate. Men often enjoy romance too; pretending otherwise will only drive him away.
16. Remember that some men are perfectly willing to date women they really like but don't see as "marriage material."
If, after six months to a year, you still haven't heard him refer to his future plans for marriage or family (with or without you) you may need to ask, "What qualities do you look for in someone you see yourself committing to?" If he mentions qualities he's complimented you on, take it as a good sign. If his compliments are largely related to sex, it probably is not.
17. If you feel the need to have a serious talk, reconsider the approach.
Instead of coming at him with a serious tone (which will bring up his innate fear of pressure for commitment), be upbeat and positive. "I really love spending time with you. I really feel happy around you. But I just want to double check and see if we're on the same page. While I know it is too soon for us to worry about it, I do want to get married in the future and want to make sure I'm dating someone who has the same values as me. As we get to know each other better and better, are you beginning to see me as someone you could possibly see that happening with?"
18. Convey unconditional love.
A strong relationship should be based upon more than convenience. Pushing past difficult times while remaining together requires a deep commitment and appreciation for one another. Unconditional love is developed over time. It is a choice we make, not necessarily a feeling we experience.
19. Set goals.
Marriage itself only works when you're moving forward, so it's good practice to start now. Generally speaking, men like women who know who they are and where they're going, even if some of the goals need to be changed a bit down the road.
Tips
* A comfort with, and affinity towards men is non-negotiable. No man will commit to spending the rest of his life with a "man hater"... nor should he.
* If you disrespect a man by openly flirting with other men his presence, don't expect a ring.
* If he is not showing a desire to marry after several months or longer, he may never want to marry you. You don't want a man to "settle" for you; your partner should see you as his first choice or something is wrong.
* Know what you are looking for in a man. Learn what personally attracts you to others to help find a better match. Be honest about communicating these preferences, but do so in subtle, caring manner.
* Most men want a feminine woman. Interestingly, women who fit this description are more likely to attract masculine men.
* Ironically, women who give men an incentive to marry them may end up moving him in the opposite direction.
* It's certainly important to maintain who you are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Whatever attracted him to you, be sure to maintain it. It is well-documented that men appreciate women who are beautiful, cute, and/or sexy in their eyes. If you disregard this fact, don't expect your man to view you as the "most beautiful woman in the world".
* Visualize being the woman who a man remembers fondly. Capitalize on your positive unique qualities, talents, or interests.
* As author Sarah Ban Breathnach said, "If you wait for the best, you will very often get it." Expect good things to happen. Create a mission statement - and be specific - defining precisely what it is you want in a man. Revisit and revise this statement from time to time. Prepare yourself mentally to meet and marry the man of your dreams.
* Show some confidence-women who have high self-esteem, are comfortable and happy with themselves, are irresistible to men. Smile, show off your love for him and yourself by showing how happy your relationship makes you!
* Always, always, always keep trying new things on multiple fronts. Whether it's new food, a new sport, or a new travel destination, this will keep life exciting, and you interested in your own life. Both men and women become depressed when they feel they know exactly what to expect out of the rest of their lives.
* Be positive, fearless, and enjoy your life! If you think you need him to make life more fulfilling, then you need to focus on you for a while and learn how to be whole without him. A man won't fill any void.
Warnings
* Women whom men eventually leave might exhibit the following traits: o Complaining. It's not good to be negative. After a while this is like listening to a bad disco record over and over. Believe it. o Thinking men are all about sex. Giving it out early and often will not necessarily keep a man. Hint: How soon first sex happens, in and of itself, has little to do with how long a relationship lasts. o Focused on physical appearance. Being cute is not enough to land a well-rounded guy forever. If you get a guy to commit to you based on looks alone, stay tuned for a miserable life together. o Taking no risks. They worry about everything and don't have the guts to go for what they want. o Having general problems. OK, someone else in your past has nothing to do with your new guy. You must enjoy being a woman and be attracted to what makes men male.
* Jealousy. Unfortunately, jealous people may also cheat on their partners. Studies say that when people criticize others, listeners tend to consign the traits criticized to the speaker him/herself. Are you a walking, self-fulfilling prophecy?
* Vanity: No guy likes a wife who goes around thinking she's better than everyone around her. Positive Self-esteem-Good. Vanity-Bad.
* Don't be controlling. If you are a controlling woman, you are not showing him the respect he may need to feel good about himself.
